i hate my dad. he's such a fucking jackass. he pisses the hell out of me. i dont know what his problem is, but he needs to fix it. i feel like punching him.

game today against ihs at whs. our school lost, and i lost too. i lost 2-6, 1-6. my score is so pathetic. i dont really care though. i didnt' even want to win, and after i lost i didnt' wish i won. im still upset i lost cuz it would've been nice to win. i couldn't have won her 6-2, 6-1 but at least i could've lost with some dignity at 4-6 or tiebreaker. i just flat out lost pathetically.

so after my game i was sitting there watching games, and kind of dazing out. but i wasn't really sulking cuz of my game. i just got to thinking about other things. i miss so many people (bf included). i haven't see so many of my friends for such a long time. i haven't talked to some of my closest friends for a long time either. i was sitting there staring out into space, and i felt so alone. it's like i have a lot of friends, but i don't have any really close friends...it's like i don't have friends i can go to whenever wherever for anything and everything. everyone kept on coming up to me and telling me "it's okay you lost, don't worry." i felt like screaming at everyone and telling them i wasn't mad that i lost.

the pretty good friends i have also have their own little groupie that they belong to and that they're close with. i feel so lonely and without friends. i've been pretty happy this year, but that doesn't seem real. it seems like i'm always trying to look happy for everyone. everyone's been stressed and breaking down this year, and i guess i've been trying to be brave and happy for everyone.

i've got a game on wednesday against kennedy. don't really care if i win or lose. there are more important things than tennis and there are more important things than school....like God, which i've been ignoring for a long time. my priorities are all out of whack. everyone thinks that i've got such a firm handle on life, school, and extra activities....and i do have control over all that, but that's not what matters. i've been drifiting away from Jesus and Christianity alltogether, and now i feel so lost and alone.

my family didn't do halloween decorations this year. it's not the fact that i miss the deocrations, but what the decorations meant. the mood in this house has totally changed from last year. it's not like i want my house to be bedecked with orange and black and spooky things...i just want the mood that went into putting up the decorations back. so much has changed......

field trip to sfmoma today.....museum of modern art. hung out with reed, jean, yang, and nimi. it was pretty fun. we had a good time. the marc chegal exhibit was pretty cool. i don't look at art much so this was interesting. i really loved The Apparition, The Green Eye, Acrobats in the Night, and Around Her. after that, we checked out this photography exhibit by Diane Arbus. whole exhibit was black and white photographs. the photos were depresssing, but they were really good. i found out from wallach later on that the photographer comitted suicide.....it was totally shown in her work. i felt like i could look at those paintings and photographs forever.

we went to the SF shopping center after the art museum. we walked into abercrombie and fitch. the models in there are modeling nakedness for a clothing store. it's so retarded. they're supposed to advertise clothes when they're not wearing any. the models may be hot, but they need to put their talents to non-clothign stores.

oh yeah, there was a really good quote on the wall of the diane arbus exhibit. it said: Nothing is ever the same as they said it was. It's what I've never seen before that I recognize.