my day was okay today. it could've been better. something was bothering me and i dont even know what it was. it wasn't any specific thing that my day kind of crappy. i just didn't feel all in a good mood and stuff.

i could've done better on my chem test today. i know i made a whole bunch of mistakes already. that heck of upset me, but that didn't put me in a bad mood. and we're having some interact "government" problem stuff, and some stuff to do with the club. that heck of frusturated me, but still not why im feeling kind of low. and then my english essay is being rewritten for the seventh time on the third topic. but that's not what's getting to me either. i can't figure it out.....

oo, i have to mention this....we had a guest speaker came to whs. he talked about how his wife and daughter died from AIDS...it was pretty sad. he was a really good speaker though. i planned on gonig in there and studying for chem, but i couldn't stop listening. the ENTIRE school was in the gym, it was freaking quiet when he was talking about how he had to watch his daughter hooked up to breathign devices and stuff. it was deadly quiet. sad story.....

anyways. iono why im feeling so low today. and i dont even feel stressed. i've adjusted to work and being busy so well that i haven't felt stressed all year. i've just felt busy. the stress is something i've learend to handle so well already it's not something i really notice.

i guess it's like im so SICK of studying and working like a freaking machine. studying can be so monotonous and frusturating and yet i still study. cuz i know if i don't then there goes my grade. and no matter how much i say grades are not the most important thing they still matter to me, and i can't make myself stop caring or stop studying. so even though im tired of studying it's like i won't let myself stop. im not paranoid that my life will be over if i dont get straight A's, it's just something i do for myself. something to work for and be proud of i guess.

but recently it seems so useless. to get good grades and stuff. and when i stop studying a bit and see how my grade drops that makes me feel crappy cuz i didn't try. curse of being an honors student i guess =P. and im so confused right now. i dont' even know what im doing. im just going through daily routines....im reminded of the play "our town" right now. how they all went through their life not really realizing they were living.

oh and speaking of how im an honors student, i freakign HATE it when teachers says "you should know this, ur an honors class." blah blah blah. we're not freaking geniuses....damn.

english was very interesting today. we were talking about how being happy isn't the point of life and mr. wallach told us "anyone who has told me that being happy is the point of life, i tell them to go do drugs. because if all life is about is beign happy just stay high 24/7 and you'll be happy." the entire class was heck of laughing. and afterwards i thought that it's so true. life isn't about being happy.

well aaanyways. tomorrow is FINALLY friday. this has been the SLOWEST week ever. my goodness. our new tennis schedule screwed me over. i got all my days mixed up. this was a long entry. i feel so tired today. not like a "im so exhausted from school and sports" kind of tired. but just a sort of tired of everything. tired of going through motions each day when i dont even know what im doing. this entry is turning into an essay. haha, later.