Dear Northwestern:

Why is it that whenever I call your admissions office, I am listening to some sort of Northwestern "fight song" for a pronlonged period of time? I am working very hard to complete the two essays you require for undergraduate admissions. And that's not to mention the four short answer questions to which I must find clear and intelligent, yet witty and creative respones to. It's all very difficult. I'm hoping that an interview will help me in my admissions process. I want to ask you this: How can I possibly schedule an alumni interview for undergraduate admissions if you put me on hold and never take me off hold. It's not possible. I cannot go about my day with a phone glued to my ear, waiting for a representative to come to his/her senses, take me off hold, and kindly schedule an interview. The application deadline is in a month. I also have three other private schools that i must schedule interviews for. Your lack of consideration, information, and helpfulness is very disconcerting. [insert string of curse words]. [continue to insert string of even more hateful curse words]. [insert two words: the first word beginning with the letter f and the second word beginning with the letter y].

Thank you for your time,
Stephanie Wu