It's 12am, I have to wake up by 9am tomorrow, and I decide to be reflective now. Oh well. I'm taking the plunge...

Undoubtedly, I've grown a lot since my freshman year (and I'm not talking vertically in terms of my height. haha). But there's also a lot of ways that I haven't grown....ways that have become apparent to me in the last few days. For the past three or four days I've been feeling kind of stressed. Yeah, stressed. Wtheck it's summer right? Well let me elaborate...

I don't get mad easily and I don't like being mad either. (Yes, I'm getting somewhere with this point). The few times that I do get upset, angry, or annoyed I never tell the person. I rarely even admit to myself when I'm mad. It's funny because the only way I know I'm mad is when I don't fall asleep easily at night. I stay awake thinking about the person/thing that I'm supposedly not mad or annoyed at. Yes, I'm a strange child; I realized that a few years back. Back to my point....Not getting mad easily is usually a good thing. I don't let things get to me and henceforth avoid the reputation for being a drama queen. I brush things off and move on with my life. I hate doting on useless matters. Well the reason I say that it is "usually a good thing" is because sometimes it's a hindrance. I keep things bottled up inside. Rarely....VERY rarely will a person seriously piss me off. But anytime I feel a little annoyed or a little upset I just keep it to myself. And everything just builds and builds. I haven't cracked yet....as in completely explode and take out my anger on one person. I've always just forgotten it, brushed it off, and moved on with my life. But then I find myself in this position.....feeling angsty and stressed. Not seriously stressed to the point where I want to jump out the window in front of a passing truck. But just....unsettled. Yes, unsettled; that's a good way to describe my feelings right now.

I am currently annoyed/upset with someone (hence the reason for the stress), and they probably have no clue at all. I know I'm more annoyed/upset with them than I ought to be, but that's what happens when you bottle up anger. You end up making a big deal out of things that actually hold no weight at all. I'm blaming this person for causing me pain/hurt even though what I'm blaming them for isn't their fault. Little things that person does upsets me more than it should. They are small annoyances, and I'm making it out to be more than it is. Why? Because I need an outlet for my anger, and I've found it in this person.

I seriously feel like yelling at this person....screaming at them.....demanding why they must do what they do and make me upset. But will I ever confront this person? Nah. I don't like creating drama. I don't like being mad. I don't like other people being mad at me. I don't like worrying whether or not I should've kept my mouth shut.

I don't like myself when I'm mad, and I suppose that's the main reason why no one ever knows when I'm seriously upset with someone. I'm never angry....anger is if someone took all my Harry Potter books and ripped them to shreds. Then I'd be raving; I'd be on a warpath. Being upset with someone is more like disappointment, annoyance, and a hint of confusion because I don't know what I did wrong. I also don't like myself when I don't express my feelings either. So you see, I can't exactly find that balance yet. Sometimes I wish the world would know what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. It's really not fun having so much anger inside you.

And now I'm about to get into stuff I don't want everyone to read, so I shall switch over to a protected post on my xanga. I knew that xanga had to come in handy sometime or another.

So to close off this entry....

I was feeling quite upset today. I literally felt like I had hot water bubbling inside my chest. Crazy huh? So to take my mind off of matters I entered an online forum/debate about salvation and read the Bible for about an hour and a half....then I watched the trailer for the fourth Harry Potter movie about twenty times. I am now informed on the general viewpoints of whether or not salvation can be lost (and am in the process of forming my own opinion), and I have also completely memorized the trailer for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

The fourth movie comes out November 18th, the day before my birthday. I plan on watching the midnight showing. I'm a diehard fan. My cousins and I talked about Harry Potter the entire time at dinner last night. We've all memorized bits and parts of the books. And we all have theories as to what will happen in the seventh book. And we discussed the titles of all the books. And we all memorized spells and said them while using our chopsticks as wands. And we're not proud that we're Muggles. Yes, we are Harry Potter freaks =D.

I have coordination problems. I keep on dropping my cell phone. My poor phone. It's so beat up. Even the Rotary symbol got scratched up =(

I still have a lot of anger I need to work out. When I started this entry I had a point about my growth or lack thereof and I don't think I rounded that point off very nicely. Well to cut to the point because Patrick will be here any second to drop off Jean's Nintendo 64, expressing my feelings is one area in which I have failed to grow during high school. I should work on it, blah blah blah. I've exhaused this subject.

I need to blog some stuff in my Xanga now.