A year in review...
Find the first entry for each month of 2005, and post the first sentence of it in your journal.

January: winter break has been extremely fun.

February: RANT....grawrg. what's wrong with my dad.

March: my day sucked. i haven't cried in a long time. put me in cement.

April: DC meeting yesterday......we were missing a LARGE amount of people. humph.

May: I went to my FIRST cotillion last night.

June: I have too much fun with JP…

July: I guess I should blog briefly about graduation and Grad Nite.

August: I'm learning to crochet.

September: This song is freaking awesome (the song was Photograph by Nickelback)

October: My two apartment-mates turn 18 today.

November: I wasn't able to go trick-or-treating on Halloween because I had to study like mad for my Chinese test that night, and I had to catch up for work I didn't do on Sunday when I went to the Switchfoot concert.

December: (picture update of my apartment)

New Year’s Eve was fun. It was a sober night for me, but it was better that way. Dinner in Union City (Korean soft tofu is so freaking good. I died and went to heaven)…BART to SF Union Square…saw pretty lights…BART to Embarcadero…watched fireworks from the Ferry Building…a lot of banging (sexy, I know) going on while taking BART back to Union City…went to Denny’s…came home and went to bed around 5am. And there was my New Year’s Eve in a nutshell. I’m glad I rung in the new year with someone special <3.

The night before (Dec.30^th) was a party at Nick’s house. I think I have to sort of admire boys for playing games for hours on end. I guess it’s sort of impressive. So Nick’s parties could potentially be really boring for me since I don’t play games, but I always have fun because I think I find ways of entertaining myself. And Mario Kart is there to save me if I fail.

I suppose I could do a reflection on 2005….

The first thing that comes to mind when looking back on 2005 and how I’ve changed is my faith. I definitely think I’ve grown a lot. Make no mistake, I still have a lot of growing to do (A LOT) but I’ve gained more insight and perspective. Before Christianity was just a bunch of rules and regulations, and it was something I believed in just because. Now I’m starting to search for the reasons why and the reasons for certain things. The more I look the more I find I don’t know, and even more questions pop up. But it’s something that I still plan on actively pursuing in 2006 and hopefully I’ll become stronger and more grounded. Oddly enough, this growth I’m talking about happened in the last three and a half months I was at college because I never went to church in high school and didn’t really belong to a Christian community. I still followed my faith, but I didn’t actively pursue it. Here I really have to be thankful for my wonderful friend JoeChai who has truly been there for me as a spiritual friend. Much love.

When 2005 rang in I was a high school senior, and now that it’s 2006 I’m a college freshman. Going to the East Coast for college was definitely one of the biggest decisions I’ve ever made. And I don’t regret it at all. I’ve always been a really independent person, and I had always dreamed about going to school on the East Coast but when it came down to really making the decision I found myself running away from that independence and running closer to home. I’m still surprised I actually dug up the guts to go cross-country for college. When I made that decision I only half-knew what I was getting into. I was just praying for the best. Oddly enough, I was never homesick which is a good thing because I hate wallowing in my own misery. Now that I look back on this semester I’m thinking, “Holy shiz. Did I really just get through my first semester of college thousands of miles away from home?”

I also started 2005 without a boyfriend, and now I’m happily starting 2006 with Patrick. With him (like with college) I only half-knew what I was getting into. My last long distance relationship didn’t work out, and I was wary of starting anything my senior year. I was also warned against starting anything, but obviously that didn’t do anything (guess the bubble didn’t work out, huh?). Most people don’t know this, but I’m extremely scared of commitment and being tied down and having my independence restricted. And certain people think I’m extremely fickle, which could be debatable but I admit it has some truth to it. So holding this relationship for this period of time (I don’t know how long so don’t ask) is an achievement for me.

Maybe only one person will fully appreciate that paragraph up there (it’s not Patrick; it’s a certain half-relative of mine), but that was a big deal for me because I never talk about my relationships to friends, online journals, stuffed animals, creepy insects, or anything else, and now I just wrote a reflective paragraph about it in my blog. WTF is wrong with me. But I wrote it and now I don’t want to erase it, although I am tempted to do so.

I’ve definitely become more open with my feelings throughout this year. That’s not to say I wear my heart on my sleeve now because I still guard my feelings and don’t share a lot of things, but it’s becoming easier for me. Ok now I feel like I’m sharing too much on this blog. I’m going to stop. It’s scaring me, so I’m going to make a crazy tangent to divert everyone’s attention from the top secret information I just disclosed.

TODAY I WENT TO BERKELEY WITH SLAVA AND OMED. WE WALKED AROUND TELEGRAPH AND GOT GELATO. OMGOODNESS I LOVE GELATO SO MUCH. I HAVE A CERTIFICATE FOR A FREE BANANA SPLIT AT BASKIN ROBBINS. I HAVE TO USE IT BEFORE I GO. DAVIS PEOPLE LEAVE TODAY, AND THAT MEANS MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE GOING TO BE GONE. THIS SADDENS ME. I DON’T WANT TO START SCHOOL. I CAN’T IMAGINE BUCKLING DOWN AND GOING TO CLASS AND STUDYING AFTER ALL THE FUN I’VE BEEN HAVING THIS BREAK. AND PLUS MY SLEEP SCHEDULE IS SO FUCKED UP. THESE PAST TWO DAYS I’VE SLEPT AT 5AM. IT’S RIDICULOUS I KNOW. AND TONIGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO SLEEP AT 11PM, BUT I GOT CAUGHT UP IN REFLECTING ON 2005.

Ok, I think that was a sufficient enough diversion.

There's a lot of people I haven't kept in touch with, but I could’ve predicted that before. It hasn't come as some great surprise to me. I know who my close friends are. I know what friends I can talk to and trust the most. That’s not to say the only friends I have are those I would trust my life with. No ‘course not. Life wouldn’t be fun that way. But I’ve definitely grown closer to a lot of people and fallen out of a lot of friendship. And I’m happy to say that DC+2 is still here and going strong. I <3 you guys.I’ve also found that I don’t keep as many superficial friendships anymore. I used to be extremely social, always making new friends. I still love meeting new people, but I’m not as enthusiastic now as I was before. I prefer to work on my close friendships and improve those relationships than start new ones. Acquaintances aren’t as important to me anymore. And this may sound mean, but if I meet someone and don’t feel as if there’s potential for a closer friendship I don’t put as much effort into the relationship. I’m still friendly and all, but I don’t commit a lot of energy or effort. Hm, I guess you could say I became more realistic and cynical in 2005. In a way it’s good because I don’t like believing in superficial things and then being let down later on, but at the same time I want to be able to meet people and just have fun with them and not expect anything more. Because honestly, friendships are hard work, and sometimes I just want friends with no real attachments to hang out with. (That sentence was a fragment I know. It’s 2am and I’ve been typing for a long time and I’m tired and I don’t care).

So after I typed that fat paragraph what conclusion have I come to? I would like to say I’m satisfied with my friendships, but I’m really not. I do have a couple really close friends, but I also need to put more effort into my existing friendships. I really do. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve been a very good friend to a lot of people this year. I could apologize but that doesn’t do anything, so I’m not going to do it. I don’t want to waste my breath, my words, or my emotion. It’s unnecessary. I know what I have to do, and I should just do it.

There is more reflection to be done, but I’m getting a little bit tired so I’ll do the rest of it in my head.

I don’t make new years’ resolutions because I always forget about them. But I do have a goal for this year. Well more like this semester: STUDY HARDER. I gotta get more motivation. Honestly, this past year I didn’t do a hell of a lot of studying. I mean, it was second semester senior year and first semester of freshman year. I had too much playtime this past year. I gotta buckle down now.

Oh I have one more goal: eat better and exercise more. College is bad for my health and I have to get back into shape.

Oh I just thought of another goal. I need something to drive me. I need purpose. I need something that motivates me. In high school Interact did all of that. Especially senior year, being Lt.Governor made senior year worth it. But now in college I feel like all I have is school and that’s not enough. Academics aren’t enough to hold my attention and keep me interested. I need something bigger, something more to gee through it all. God, I miss Interact so much. I miss Rotary. I feel so disconnected. At the risk of sounding melodramatic I feel like a part of me is missing. INTERACT I LOVE YOU. HA, I know I’m a freak and I don’t care. YOU CAN KISS MY INTERACT-LOVING ASS. Now I really don’t know what I’m saying because I’m seriously getting tired. But speaking seriously now (and I definitely know what I’m saying here) I think I need to move on from my Interact glory days. I feel like I’m looking for something in college that matches up to Interact but nothing can really do that. I’m on a whole different playing field now. I’m not an Interactor anymore. I’m not on DC, and I’m not Lt.Governor. I gotta start from the bottom now. Gotta find something and work my way up. I do miss that passion…that fire I had for Interact. It was so great. HAHA Interact is like my lover. No, it’s not LIKE my lover. It IS my lover. I HAD A FOUR YEAR LONG LOVE AFFAIR WITH INTERACT, AND I’M NOT ASHAMED. Ok, I’m moving on. Starting now. Now.

Cheers to 2005. (Omgoodness, this entry was long. I have never reflected so much on a year before. Shit, I was supposed to sleep three hours ago. I’m not doing this again. Next year, I’ll just do a survey).