Surprisingly school has been fairly easy so far. Tests and essays haven't kicked in yet, so that's probably a big reason why; I've just been doing readings so far. Plus, I'm actually only attending three classes a week since one of my classes is an independent study class, so that frees up three hours a week. And for that class I haven't started research yet; I'm still compiling a bibliography of sources I'm going to use. In addition to classes I'm working my three jobs for a total of 15 hours a week, I'm still doing small group and large group for church, and I have my duties as HCO (Honor Code Orienteer) for my freshmen. So it's not like I find myself staring blankly at a wall with all this free time on my hands. But I do have a lot more time than I thought I would...I have time to go to the gym every day, and I've been able to finish all my work even with some distractions like AIM.

I guess I should be happy that I'm not stressed and frazzled, but I feel like something is wrong if I'm not running a fast-paced life. So I've been loading up on other activities...I've joined the Bi-Co Newspaper, Housing Committee, and hopefully I'll be Asssistant Director of the musical production, "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change." I say hopefully because I applied for it but don't know if I got it yet. My Chinese teacher from last year also contacted me and asked if I could help her tutor the first year students and listen to their audiotapes. So I put name down for that. And I'm also signing up for this tutoring job in West Philly once a week. So with all that, I guess I should be hella busy right? But I haven't been assigned anything by my editor for the Bi-Co yet, Housing Committee hasn't really taken off yet, I haven't heard back from the musical people yet, my Chinese tutoring job doesn't start until Monday, and the West Philly tutoring job (it's not paid) hasn't started yet either. So I still find myself feeling rather relaxed. I don't know why I'm complaining. Second semester last year I was a very tightly wound little stress ball, and now I actually have time to enjoy school, see my freshmen, go into Philly, etc.

I guess this is just how I am, but I feel like I need to be overloaded with things to do in order to be productive. I guess I still have a bit of an overachiever left in me. If I'm not staying up to the early hours of the morning and functioning on 5 hours or less of sleep, then I'm not maximizing my time and I'm wasting my life at college. I think that's exactly what I DON'T want to happen...to graduate college and find that I could've and should've done a lot more with my time here. After all, I am paying $40,000+ a year to this school, and plunging myself deeper and deeper into debt every semester. Earlier this semester when I was picking my classes, I was struggling with whether or not I should take five classes, the fifth one being a Theater class at Swat. I eventually decided that I didn't want such a brutal semester and since commuting to Swat was so much trouble I dropped the class. But now I'm wondering if I should've signed up for the class.

I did so much volunteer work in high school, and when I got to college I just stopped. I guess without an organization like Interact on campus I didn't find anything else to consume my time and my life. But I miss it. I think I'll look for volunteer organizations in Philly and sign up to volunteer at one. OR maybe since I have extra time, I should start up a Rotaract...? Oh man, that'd be SO much work though. And I'd be doing it alone, so I'd have no idea wtheck I'd be doing. It would be really great to have Rotaract here. For some odd reason though, I cant' see Rotaract working at Haverford.

Since being here a year, I've gotten the feeling that a lot of people are apathetic about a lof of things. As much as my school is social justice oriented...we have a social justice graduation requirement, we have the Center for Peace and Global Citizenship, people are really PC about certain topics, our endowment sucks because everyone graduates and finds jobs that help the community but don't make big money....I think people have grown apathetic because we're constantly surrounded by this do-gooder, social justice atmosphere. And I guess because of that, we take it for granted. Like we already have these clubs on campus that promote social justice, tolerance, and understanding, like SAGA (Sexuality and Gender Awareness), Under One Sky (another gender and sexuality club), Darfur Awareness Organization, Aids Service Network, etc. So Rotaract would just be another one of those clubs. It wouldn't be a big deal. It'd just be something people roll their eyes at and say "OH. another one?" And yeah, big UC schools have about 21321 more clubs and organizations that fall under similar categories, but big UC schools also have like 30 times more students than we do. But then again, maybe Rotaract wouldn't be a disaster. I mean, I've also realized that I'm one of the few people that thinks rather cynically about this perfect little living environment (which we fondly call the Haverbubble) that my school has created for its students. And I personally roll my eyes at how PC we are sometimes, but most people don't do that. So maybe Rotaract would be successful.

Wow, I hella deviated from my original topic at some point. Anyways, it'd be really funny if all these activities I signed up for all of a sudden kick in at once and I'm hella overwhelmed, stressed out, frazzled, and frustrated. I guess I'd be getting what I asked for then.

At the same time, I think that maybe this more relaxed semester is the answer to what I've been praying about. Since I'm not as busy I find myself looking forward to doing QTs every day and going to small group at night. I remember second semester last year I kinda dragged my feet to small group because I was so swamped with work, essays, and rehearsals, that small group was just another burden. And this year I seriously love my QTs, which I only started doing like a month ago. I feel so calm about everything. You have to know that feeling calm is a very foreign concept for me. I'm a pretty spazztic person...as my apartment mates from last year soon figured out. Everyone was always telling me to calm down. So is this newfound quiet and calm exactly what I've been asking for? And am I just trying to once again take control and do things my way? Am I really asking to be swamped with work? I know that if I am, some things will undoubtedly get neglected, like QTs. And if I've been asking for the passion to pursue Him and the Word, then is how things are now exactly how they should be?

I remember over the summer someone (I forget who) on Friday night was talking to our college group about how a lot of Asians have this need to treat our servanthood to God similar to how we treat our studies and our life in college. That we feel like if we're not stressed out and doing a million activities then we're not accomplishing anything. Similarly we feel that if we're not sacrificing something then we're not really being faithful Christians. And at the time I kinda scoffed at the idea because I don't always agree with culture/race specific sermon type things. But reflecting now, I realize, that's totally me.

(hahahaha I just scrolled up and this entry is soooooooooo long. I started writing it this morning when I woke up before class, and I'm continuing at work right now. I only intended it to be a brief two paragraph entry. hahahahaha. This amuses me).

Ok after that brief tangent, I lost my train of thought. Oh right, so I've been praying a lot more than I did last year. I guess before I never knew how to pray, what to pray for, when to do it, what was the point, what was I saying, etc. And I still don't completely know what I'm doing, but I believe in it a lot more now....if that makes sense...? I'm becoming more attuned to God in my life, and seeing everything as more divinely connected. You know this makes perfect sense in my head even if I'm not articulating it correctly in writing. And actually this entry is more for my benefit than anyone elses. And plus I think anyone who started reading this has stopped by now. So I'll plough on as if no one's reading this. Right. So where was I? Prayer. I'm slowly starting to learn how to let my decisions be God's and not my own and to relinquish my control of my life and let Him guide it according to His will and His plan. So this all brings me back to my schedule and the lack of stress and frustration in my life. Maybe it's all God's doing, and I should be thankful that I'm not at the same point where I was last year. I've grown a lot since last year and where I am now is probably exactly where God wants me to be. So why do I want to change it? Or maybe it's not where I'm supposed to be, and I'm just trying to rationalize everything in some spiritual manner. This last thought invades a lot of my convictions about my faith and what not. But I'm starting to wean myself away from the whole "it's just coincidence idea." And I have many more thoughts brewing in my head, but I don't feel completely comfortable sharing them right now so I'll end this entry here.

Damn, this was long.