Something interesting happened on Sunday after church. After service everyone was gathered in the backroom eating and talking. As people started to leave, I noticed a woman come in (probably in her 40s), take two hot dogs and a plate full of chips and just sit down and start eating ravenously. Now she stood out for a number of reasons. One, she was white, and my church is Korean. Two, she was dressed rather slovenly. She wore baggy sweats and a sweatshirt and her hair was dirty and unkempt. Three, she wasn't interacting with anyone. She just kept eating her food, and everyone else in the room carried on with their conversations, seemingly unaware of her presence.

When I was about to leave, I went back into the sanctuary to get my stuff, and I saw her wandering around among the pews. My immediate reaction was, "How sketchy. I hope she's not stealing people's stuff." Call me mean, call me cynical, call me whatever. But there's a reason why we lock the front doors of the church after service, so that while we fellowship in the backroom, no one from outside can just walk in and steal the worship equipment or people's personal belongings. So I'm there collecting my belongings, and the one thing I really don't want to happen, happens. She approaches me and asks for money saying that she and her kids haven't had a meal since Tuesday, there's no food in her house, she has no money, etc. I have no idea what to say. I feel bad because she looks like she does need help, but I don't agree with giving out cash to the needy. In my confusion, I turn around and trip over a pew (I know I'm graceful), which draws Joe's attention, and causes the woman to shift her attention to Joe and ask him for money. Huge sigh of relief from me. Joe handles the situation much better than I did (aka he doesn't trip over a pew) and sends her to the backroom to ask for Pastor Martin or Pastor Steve.

As Joe and I are loading his car with the worship stuff, the woman comes out from the church and asks Joe for a ride to the Commerce Bank, about five minutes from the church. Joe says no problem, and she gets in the car. On the ride over, Joe asks her a couple questions and she basically tells us her situation. She and her kids have no food, her kids are with her mom now who has no food either, her brother used to live with her but he now lives with his gf and they are barely getting by also. The one thing that stood out in my mind was when Joe asked her how she's getting by, and she said, "We're barely making it." Now to me, that doesn't answer the question. Is she on welfare? Has she had a job? Did she lose her job? How's she paying rent? How does she buy food at all? Are her kids in school? Now maybe I'm being insensitive again, but I interpreted her answer as a direct avoidance of the question because her story probably wasn't true. I beleived she really did need charity, but I was doubtful about her having kids, not eating since Tuesday...that stuff.

So Joe drops her off at the bank so that she can "withdraw [her] last five dollars," and we're on our way. Right after we drop her off, people from church call Joe and ask if we're ok. Then they explain that this woman has been to Jubilee many times before. In fact, every Sunday, she hits all the churches in the area for food and money. And this has been going on for a long time...months. What Pastor Steve told her was that she's welcome to attend service and have food afterwards, but we (being Jubilee or any individuals) won't give her money because she does this every week.

Now the whole time in the car with her I was feeling extremely awkward. I didn't know what to say to her. I wanted to beleive her and help her, but at the same time realistically I know that people lie and cheat for charity. I'm not denying that she needed it. I'm sure she did. But in these situations I never know what to say to the person. "No sorry I'm not going go give you money because who knows what you're going to do with it." Can't say that. But I don't want to give them money either. It's a conundrum. I know I'm very fortunate and am blessed with much more than a lot of people in this world. Whenever I pass a homeless person on the street I don't know what to do. I feel like I should give them a dollar because everything I have God gave me, and I'm called upon to help others. Then there's the argument that if you just give someone money you're not helping them get out of their situation. They're going to be complacent where they are because people like you are keeping them there by just handing them charity and not expecting them to lift themselves up. But when I see a homeless person often (maybe I'm being a pessimist) I don't see them getting out of their situation. That being the case, I might as well help them in the situation that they're in with a dollar or two.

When I was in China this summer my companions and I always attracted a lot of beggars on the street asking for money. And very often the older beggars would use young kids (2, 3 years old) to get money. They would stand from a distance and watch as their granddaughters/grandsons followed us, grabbed at our shirts, and whimpered for money. I never gave money to the kids because would the money really be going to feed them? They were just being used as bait. And if you gave money to one beggar about 50 others would gather around you in a matter of seconds. So the times I did give money I always did when there was only one or two who asked me. Yes, I did give money because seriously what the heck am I going to do with 10, 50 cents (Chinese money)? That's like 1/80 of an American dollar. But that's China, and China's different. There aren't beggars swarming the streets of Philadelphia.

Charity is a very tricky thing. Maybe I'm complicating it more than it has to be. Maybe it's just help who you can whenever you can. But I'm of the mindset that you should do just more than help them in the here and now. You want to help them now so that they won't need it in the future. Kind of like the quote, "Give a man a fish you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."

On a completely unrelated note, last night as I was doing my homework in the living room I heard a mouse/mice scurrying around in the kitchen. And it wasn't just like scratch scratch scratch. It sounded like it was romping around in plastic bags or something. So I go into the kitchen, and bang around some cabinets and the noise stops. I was scared to go looking for it any further. I'm such a wuss. It's not that I'm terrified of mice. I just don't want them in my kitchen.

Since this entry is really long already, I might as well make it longer. I'm starting to feel the extreme consequences of procrastinating on my 20pg. paper. I'm banning myself from aim untili I finish the paper. This morning I started to feel really stressed. Not such big news since I'm a college student and it's expected that we're stressed right? Well, actually for me it is. Because this year I haven't been stressed at all. It's been pretty great. I've been plenty busy but not worried or stressed about anything in particular. This year is so different than last year. If I had this amount of work last year, you would find me in my room every night having spastic fits...which my apartment mates often did find. But this year my focus is entirely different. My ability to focus on schoolwork has decreased (heh), but I've refocused my life to bigger, better, more worthwhile things. Anyways, this is a tangent I can go into in another entry.

So this morning I was feeling really frazzled. I wasn't doing my job as a Chinese T.A. for first year students because it's really not that appealing. Listening to the audio tapes of first year students basically sucks, and having been a first year students I know that they dont care about the corrections. They dont read them. It's a waste of my time. But I told the teacher I would do it because when she asked me to be her TA I felt really flattered. I didn't have to seek her because she came to me first. And my immediate thought was, "What a good opportunity. I can put this on applications to internships, my resume, and she could write reccomendations for me too." So I signed up for the job. But this is also my fourth job. Yeah, don't ask; I don't know how I ended up with four jobs. It was going ok for awhile, but now that it's two weeks before thanksgiving break, it's seriously crunch time. I have my 20 pg paper due, a five page paper, and a second psych midterm among all my other homework.

And now I'm two weeks behind in listening to their audio tapes. I decided to catch up this morning, but I got really frustrated and mad all of a sudden. It was annoying. I didn't want to do it. I could be spending that time doing my homework. After all, I am a student. I was seriously just like, "fuck this shit" because I was sick of it. And then I took a step back and I was like, "whoa, what the hell am I doing?" Why am I trying to do so much? When did I become one of those people who did things just so that they looked impressive. One of the things I prided myself on in high school was doing extracurriculurs because I liked them. I did tennis because it was fun. I participated in Interact because I was freaking in love with it. I did theater because I had enjoyed it since elementary school. It was fun. End of story. Everything I did I did because I enjoyed it. It made high school worth it. But now here I am doing all this stuff, for what? Grad school? My resume? But am I really enjoying it? Not really. Then what the hell is the point?

And I realized this morning that I am trying so hard to control my life. I had a really good conversation with JP over the phone about this two nights ago. I know, the phone. It's crazy. It was the first time we talked since I left in August. Anyways, I try so hard to make sure everything turns out the way I want. But God already has a plan for my life. (shit, I don't know why I'm still blogging. I have a Rotaract meeting tonight in Philly. But I'm on a roll and I can't stop. I need to get this out). My life isn't just existing here w/o meaning. My life is connected to a higher purpose because I am in Christ. God has a more amazing plan for me than I could ever think, and yet here I am, little old me, trying to make sure everything turns out perfectly. Why worry? Learning to put my trust in God has been one of the reasons why I've been so stress free this year. It seems that recently though I started to get a little prideful, boasting in my own accomplishments as if I'm the architect of my life. And now the stress is settling in. I got to this point where I thought, "man I've come quite a ways from last year. I'm good. I got this." But even if I have come a long ways, that's still not my doing. I prayed to God, asked God, leaned on God for help. Asked Him to change me, to grow me in my relationship with Christ. But recently I got all prideful and thought dang, I got this college thing. I'm busy, but I'm not stressed. I got a handle on my schoolwork, my jobs, my friends. I am soooooooo good. How ridiculously naive of me. This morning it all kinda hit me at once. What a fool I've been.

If you knew you didn't have to worry about anything in your life because someone promised you a wonderful and meaningful life, greater than you yourself could ever concieve. If someone promised you MORE than life here on earth. If someone promised you eternal life and happiness. Wouldn't you welcome that gladly? Wouldn't you say, "oh freaking A sweet deal! Yeah, here's my life. Do with it what you want. I don't need to worry? Sounds good. Mold me how you like so that I can have that eternal happiness. Man you rock."
So why don't we do that? Why would I want to try and control my life knowing that what I do can never match up to what He does? It doesn't make sense. If you knew that just by consulting someone, would help you make the right decision then wouldn't you? If you knew that your life was being made exactly how it should be by someone and if all the dice were in their hand, wouldn't you go to them to make sure what you were doing was in accordance with their plan?
I haven't been doing that nearly enough. I've been jumping into things using my own judgement thinking I know what's best for me.

I prayed for a long time this morning. Emailed my Chinese prof from last year and told her dubuqi (sorry) but I can't be her TA anymore. I think God really spoke to me this morning. He always has a way of bringing us back to Him. I really thought I was getting good at this Christian thing. I go to God on Sundays, during QT, Bible study, and Friday fellowship. I pray to God in the morning, at night. But I don't integrate my QTs into every part of my day, every aspect of my life. I devote that time to God and then go along my merry way after that. Not saying that I don't learning anything. I do. QTs really do help me. They help me keep my life focused on what's right. I learn. I grow. It's great. I enjoy those times. I don't go to Him grudgingly. But I don't let God into all aspects of my life. I do it more than last year...and this is the idea I keep tripping up on. I think how much I've grown and though I'm not satisfied I think I'm at a good place. I'm not complacent because I still want to grow more and I'm asking questions, seeking out answers, but I think I'm better than I really am. I'm not doing a good job of conveying this idea but I'm very confident everyone who started reading this entry has stopped long before this point so now I'm just writing for myself. I don't know how else to clarify that because I'm not complacent with where I am. But at the same time I keep comparing myself to last year.

Going back to what I said earlier about trying to do too much...I remembered this morning that everything here is so fleeting. I have more than my accomplishments here. I'm promised so much more than this. Who am I trying to impress? Why am I trying to fill my resume with all these cool activities when none of it matters? Shit I feel another tangent. Uhm I definitely still want to go into this but I seriously have hella work. In short, prayer was powerful this morning. I should think about going to morning group prayer with IV. IT'S JUST SO EARLY. LIKE SEVEN FREAKING THIRTY AM.

I don't know how this entry progressed to this point. I just have so much teeming in my head that I had to get it out. And I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I just wanted to write. Er, type. I don't even know if I said everything I'm thinking. I might've painted an incomplete picture of all my thoughts. But I'm too lazy to read over it.

OH! One last thing. This is the first election that I can vote in, and sadly I'm not. Berate me. Do it. I deserve it. I'm an idiot and thought that if I had my absentee ballot postmarked by the seventh it was ok. But that's wrong. It has to be received by the seventh. Yeah, my bad. I'm a terrible person. I'm not rocking the vote. I'm quite sad actually. I really wanted to vote.

OK OK OK OK I'M DONE WITH THIS ENTRY