Wow. Long time since my last post. Yes, for me a week and a half w/o blogging is a long time. I guess there's not much for me to say. I'm really loving being back home in good ol' Fremont. Boring ass little town, but friends make everything great.

Nick had his annual Christmas party at his house tonight. I like how it's an annual thing now. It made me very happy to see everyone again. Definitely a good night. And yet, I feel out of sorts right now. So much has changed since the first Christmas party senior year. Hell so much has changed since this past summer.

It's 1:30am, and I'm playing text twist. And thinking. I actually suck a lot at text twist, but I'm not doing too badly now. Hope I don't jinx myself. Why do I feel sad now? Wtf is wrong with me. I had a fun night, saw a bunch of people, talked, laughed, and yet here I am staying up playing text twist because I am so freaking awake and I don't know what's bothering me. No I guess I do but I can't verbalize it. Or I don't want to. I need to move on. I need to move freaking on. I am turning into the type of girl I said I never wanted to be. In fact I made every effort to not be her. And maybe in doing that instead of avoiding it I made myself more susceptible to it. OMG I ALMOST LOST AT TEXT TWIST. Whew. Close one. DAMMIT I JUST LOST. ACROSS. EFFING ACROSS. I GOT CROSS. I JUST HAD TO ADD AN "A" IN FRONT. THOSE WORDS ARE THE HARDEST TO GET. WORDS LIKE ACROSS, DEPLOY, REUSED. SHIT LIKE THAT. Curses.

I'm over it. I'll just start a new game. I want things to be made clear to me. I want to know what's going on. I want to know what people think. But I'm afraid to ask. I'm seriously one of the biggest wusses you'll ever meet. What am I so scared of? Awkwardness? Wtf that's lame. I can't be that lame. I seriously think that "wtf" is one of the best acronyms in aim lingo. It just rolls off your tongue. And your fingers. It sounds so cool in my head. It's so cold in my house. My feet are freezing. I hate socks though. And shoes. I don't like my feet to be constricted. Maybe that's an analogy to my character, as in I personally don't like to be constricted. I totally just made that up right now.

You ever have that feeling after you've made a decision that you totally just messed up? That had you made the other choice things would be so much freaking better and you'd be happier? Oh wait, I think that's called regret. I think I could've just saved myself two sentences by asking "Have you ever regretted something?" Well I don't beleive in regret. Is that stupid? I think that after you've made a decision...and I'm talking big decision, not should I get chocolate or vanilla ice cream type of decision...well after you've made it, you can't look back. Because if this is a big decision then before you made it you thought a lot about it. You weighed the pros and cons. You looked at different what-if scenarios. And you made your decision for a reason. So even though afterwards you are inclined to regret that decision, you have to know that you had reasons for your decision. And they were good reasons too. I know that if I made the other decision things would not be as rosy as I imagine them in my head. I just like to trick myself into thinking that they would be.

And wtheck is going on now? Here. And there. I HATE LOOKING AT THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE NOW. IT FRUSTRATES ME SO FREAKING MUCH. Dammit. But I can't look away either. Because then I'd seriously be really sad. It's 2am now. This entry is taking me a long time because 1) I'm playing text twist, 2) I don't know what I'm saying, and 3) I'm so freaking freezing. I don't know what I'm doing this break. I feel really unfunctional. In all areas of my life. Not dysfunctional. Just unfunctional. Yesterday I went to the mall, bought two things, and before I left the mall I decided I would return them. So now they're sitting in my room waiting to be returned. And I don't have a job, so my days have no structure to them. I have no commitments, so I don't know what to do with myself. Today I spent the afternoon at Panera, using their wireless, and doing research on study abroad. I was supposed to leave with a good idea of where I wanted to go. Instead I left even more confused about where I wanted to go. So many different programs, so many differnet choices, and I have no idea what I want. I don't even fully understand each type of program. Ack, I need an appointment with my dean when I get back to school.

DC/Ryla/Interact shabang from tomorrow all the way to Saturday. Should be good times. I love those kids. I don't know why I'm not really excited. Maybe because not everyone will be there. We'll be missing Bjay, Laura, Sophia, and Brian. Dang. And I guess that makes me sad because in the future our hangouts will have less and less people, and they'll happen less and less often. Everyone's going on their own track. Doing their own thing. Which they should do. I'm glad we are. But it's sad. Maybe that's why Nick's party made me sad and nostalgic...I guess just knowing that things will never be the same. Not that things are taking a turn for the worse. But even comparing this break to the summer or last year's winter break things have shifted. And I think it's really subltle so no one notices. Because I mean we still have a great time hanging out. We talk, we joke, we laugh, we reminisce. It's all gravy. But obviously as individuals we have changed, and that contributes to a shift in the entire group dynamic. I can pick up right where I left off with a good number of my friends, so it's not like things are awkward. But damn I don't know what I'm saying.

What's going to happen after this break? We won't all be around Fremont, and that obviously isn't the end of the world. And I think when it happens I wont' even notice. I'll just go with the flow, and accept things as they are. It wont' even be a big deal. And that partly freaks me out too. That it won't be this huge change. But it'll be gradual. And gradually we'll all go our own ways. Wtf, I'm getting so depressing. Am I scared of change? I never thought I was one of those people. I think it freaks me out when on the off chance I decide to think about it. But when it actually happens I don't really notice, I don't run away from it, and I don't purposely try to block it and keep things the way they are. In fact I like it because it means things are changing up and getting more interesting. I also don't think you notice these kind of changes until after they've happened and you look back and think "Dang, when did that happen?"

As usual I have sidetracked. I definitely didn't intend to talk about what I did. Well some of it I did. Anyways, I don't feel like getting back on track. You know, I was just thinking that I don't like feeling like I'm not good enough. I find it odd that I've been thinking that because it's not characteristic of me at all. But I guess some things or people just bring it out in me. What a disgusting trait to bring out. How would you like to be responsible for that. Wouldn't you feel terribly LOUSY. hahahahahahaha. Ah what's wrong with me; I need to sleep now.

Peace peace peace.

The only thing standing between me and home is a 5 pg. English paper. Well, that and about 3,000 miles, but let's not get literal here.

I made the most unfortunate decision of starting to watch the t.v. show Heroes on Thursday. I've been watching episodes online as my study break, and it's worked out pretty well. But now just as the show is getting more intense, I have to write this paper. I only have two more episodes to watch, so that's about two hours. I'm at a crossroads here. Watch television or write the paper which my grade in the class is contingent upon?

I have to finish my paper by tomorrow night. Dammit, I think I'm going to be responsible now.

It's 3am. I'm working a 2-4am shift in Robert's computer lab, which I signed up for. Why? Because I figured it would force me to work on my essay, and it's going pretty well actually. Plus it helps that I drank two cups of coffee mixed with hot chocolate powder, which is AMAZING. It's like drinking a mocha. I'm SUPER AWAKE right now. I've never felt more alive in my life. I was never sure if caffeine actually helped keep me alert because I thought it might be a psychological thing. Meaning, because I know the effects caffeine is supposed to have, I act hyper and alert. But after having two cups of coffee I'm pretty sure that the caffeine is what's keeping me going now. OMG MY POOR TEETH ARE GONNA BE STAINED. THEY'RE SUFFERING. It's ok; it's a one time thing.

I've been coughing a lot tonight. Uh-oh.

BACK TO MY ESSAY!

Wanna make $3750 for six weeks of work in the summer?

The summer camp I'm working at (on the East Coast) is in desperate need of male teachers, so if you're interested in working with kids, meeting some amazing college students, and making $$$ please let me know! This isn't any ordinary summer camp, so talk to me about it and check out the website: http://www.explo.org/

I realized that I haven't blogged about my summer plans yet, but I dont have the time to make a detailed entry about it. Maybe over winter break. But, yes, if you're a guy and you have no plans for summer yet, but you want to do something MEANINGFUL and REWARDING, this could be the job for you! Not to mention you'll make hella bank in only six weeks. PLEASE talk to me if you want more information!!!!

I was just in a TLN chatroom. That made me unbelievably happy. Yep, we're still alive and kickin'. How awesome is that =].

When the music fades and all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus

King of endless worth, no one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours
Every single breath

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I love this. What a great way to start my day.

I'm so freaking cold. Hella freaking cold. The thermostat in my apartment isn't working, so we have no heat. It wasn't working last night either, so this morning I called maintenance and the guy took like five seconds to reset our heater and it started working again. BUT ONCE AGAIN IT HAS STOPPED. WTF. IT'S TOO COLD FOR OUR HEATER TO NOT WORK. GHETTO GHETTO GHETTO. I hate it for life. Freaking Tim got me started on that..."I hate___ for life."

BRRRFREAKINGBRRR

I was looking back at my old entries from last year, and I found a comment that I had never read before because it was made a week after I wrote the entry. Since I don’t get email notification of when people leave comments I just never saw this one.

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Friday, December 23, 2005

Curses. I'm such a bad friend. When did I stop caring? I never did...honestly. But I guess some things just get lost in the shuffle. I'm sorry this did.

And the comment...

sometimesi want to believe you, but then again, sometimes i think youre just too selfish.

___________________________________________________________________

Ouch….that hurts, even a year later…

I think that comment speaks volumes. It’s true. I am incredibly selfish a lot of the time. And the unfortunate part is that I never think that I am. I always come to a realization of my selfishness a little too late. And it’s only recently that I’ve started to realize I AM a selfish person. I never thought I was before. But I examine my actions more closely now, and have to come understand I act in my own interests a lot of the times. I’m not as generous as I’d like to think. I try to appear caring and giving. But I’m not. When I realize that what I said or did was selfish, I try to make amends for it later. And it’s usually okay because the things are small. But a lot of the time, my selfishness isn’t really embodied in any action or event, but is more like a state of mind...and then I can't redeem myself later because it's too late.

Anyways, that's just a personal reflection of mine. On a completely unrelated note, I ate too many cookies last night...so much that I felt like throwing up afterwards. It was gross. I'm putting myself on a cookie fast in addition to my facebook fast. I obviously don't understand moderation. dammit.

I'm so estatically happy right now!!! I moved my plane ticket up two days from the 22nd to the 20th, and that may not seem like a whole lot but it's a big freaking deal. I finish my scheduled finals by Monday, and if I didn't fly out until Friday night, I would've been really bored for four days while all my friends studied for finals. But now I'm flying out Wednesday and EEEK THAT MAKES ME REALLY HAPPY. Getting it switched was SO easy and SO free. SO FREAKING FREE.

Since I moved up my plane ticket though, that means I gotta push extra hard this week...psych test, research paper, english essay, chinese final. No time to slack! I'm flying home in a week and a half!

I'm going to put myself on a FACEBOOK FAST...again. It amazes me how easily I got back into the facebook groove when my last fast ended. I was hoping that since I had gone without it for so long, I wouldn't want it anymore. Ha, I think I overestimate my personal will sometimes.

I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED FOR THE 20TH. IT'S SO EFFING COLD HERE. AND IT'S NOT SNOWING EITHER. In my opinion there is no point to cold weather without snow. Snow makes the cold worth it. I'll actually be quite upset if it doesn't snow by the time I go home. I don't want to miss the first snowfall =[

My roommate just made FREAKING AMAZING chocolate chip banana bread. MMMmmm warms my heart and soul.

Ok so you know how on iTunes it tells you how many times you've played a song? I've recently developed this neurotic habit of trying to even out the number of times songs from the same album have been played. Like I'll specifically pick certain songs to play if they haven't been played as much as the other songs on the album. And I'll skip songs I've played way more than other songs on the same album. Yeah, I dunno why I'm doing this. It's kind of annoying actually. I don't enjoy it much either.

I HAVE MUCH WORK TO DO! HUGS KISSES BULLFROGS AND HIPPOPOTAMUSES I LOVE YOU ALL. PEACE.

It's hella cold.

I am not dressed for the weather today because Yahoo! weather lied to me. I hate it for life.

This morning it said the high was going to be 63 degrees. I thought that was rather unusual, but since Yahoo! has been pretty reliable I went along with it. BAD IDEA. Now looking at the report, it says that it is currently 30 degrees, feels like 18 degrees, and the high for today will be 33 degrees.

On a happier note, I took the night off last night, and it felt freaking amazing. I've been working so hard the past few weeks, and since I finished my research paper Thursday night (well, everything except the footnotes and bibliography), I felt I deserved a break. I tried watching PrisonBreak but the website wasn't working, so I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants instead. I FREAKING LOVE THIS MOVIE. It's so good. Seriously. I really bought into all their characters and got invested in each of their stories. There was one scene with America Ferrera that brought me to tears. I know. Wtf right? I never get like that during movies, but it was a good performance. I was moved. Shut up. Anyways, my point is that I had a relaxing night.

I'm going to watch some Boy Meets World now. I love this job.

Everyone's recent blog entries have been about studying for finals. I'm jealous. I wish I had finals week now, and that I was going home on Friday. I am soooo ready for winter break and soooo ready to go back to Cali. It's been quite a while since I've been home. Two more weeks of school, and one week of finals. Keep on truckin!

This past weekend was really fun. I went down to D.C. to visit Ariane for two nights, and we had a grand time. It was my first time in D.C. so I did the typical sightseeing...monuments and museums (which are freaking AMAZING. They are so good. And so free). I also ate a lot of good food, saw a play called Martha, Josie, and the Chinese Elvis (hilarious!), and went to a gay club which we got kicked out of (thanks Ariane).




At the Washington Monument. Lincoln's Memorial is in the distance behind us.



In front of the Capitol.



We went to the museum of natural history and saw a SUPACOOL 3-D movie about the safaris in Africa.



Then when I got back to Philly I went to The Trocadero to see Miss Vintage in the third round of Bodog's Battle of the Bands. As usual, they were awesome. Didn't win, but I don't think they care and they put on a good show nonetheless.


Left to Right: Joe (guitar), Brian (drums), Jason (lead guitar), Colin (bass)

Afterwards when we went out to eat, these guys were just bombarded with fans. Pictures, autographs, and screaming girls. J/k, it wasn't that extreme. But close enough.

Of course I did no work this weekend.

My professor extended my 20-page paper again because he's too busy this week. Dammit. If it keeps getting extended I'm never gonna finish. Ever. So I'm going to pretend it's due Thursday. We'll see how that goes...

I have my first Rotaract meeting this Thursday. Exciting.

I just pulled an all-nighter. And now I'm gonna go into Philly to catch a bus for D.C.

I'm gonna crash so bad later...