Wow. Long time since my last post. Yes, for me a week and a half w/o blogging is a long time. I guess there's not much for me to say. I'm really loving being back home in good ol' Fremont. Boring ass little town, but friends make everything great.

Nick had his annual Christmas party at his house tonight. I like how it's an annual thing now. It made me very happy to see everyone again. Definitely a good night. And yet, I feel out of sorts right now. So much has changed since the first Christmas party senior year. Hell so much has changed since this past summer.

It's 1:30am, and I'm playing text twist. And thinking. I actually suck a lot at text twist, but I'm not doing too badly now. Hope I don't jinx myself. Why do I feel sad now? Wtf is wrong with me. I had a fun night, saw a bunch of people, talked, laughed, and yet here I am staying up playing text twist because I am so freaking awake and I don't know what's bothering me. No I guess I do but I can't verbalize it. Or I don't want to. I need to move on. I need to move freaking on. I am turning into the type of girl I said I never wanted to be. In fact I made every effort to not be her. And maybe in doing that instead of avoiding it I made myself more susceptible to it. OMG I ALMOST LOST AT TEXT TWIST. Whew. Close one. DAMMIT I JUST LOST. ACROSS. EFFING ACROSS. I GOT CROSS. I JUST HAD TO ADD AN "A" IN FRONT. THOSE WORDS ARE THE HARDEST TO GET. WORDS LIKE ACROSS, DEPLOY, REUSED. SHIT LIKE THAT. Curses.

I'm over it. I'll just start a new game. I want things to be made clear to me. I want to know what's going on. I want to know what people think. But I'm afraid to ask. I'm seriously one of the biggest wusses you'll ever meet. What am I so scared of? Awkwardness? Wtf that's lame. I can't be that lame. I seriously think that "wtf" is one of the best acronyms in aim lingo. It just rolls off your tongue. And your fingers. It sounds so cool in my head. It's so cold in my house. My feet are freezing. I hate socks though. And shoes. I don't like my feet to be constricted. Maybe that's an analogy to my character, as in I personally don't like to be constricted. I totally just made that up right now.

You ever have that feeling after you've made a decision that you totally just messed up? That had you made the other choice things would be so much freaking better and you'd be happier? Oh wait, I think that's called regret. I think I could've just saved myself two sentences by asking "Have you ever regretted something?" Well I don't beleive in regret. Is that stupid? I think that after you've made a decision...and I'm talking big decision, not should I get chocolate or vanilla ice cream type of decision...well after you've made it, you can't look back. Because if this is a big decision then before you made it you thought a lot about it. You weighed the pros and cons. You looked at different what-if scenarios. And you made your decision for a reason. So even though afterwards you are inclined to regret that decision, you have to know that you had reasons for your decision. And they were good reasons too. I know that if I made the other decision things would not be as rosy as I imagine them in my head. I just like to trick myself into thinking that they would be.

And wtheck is going on now? Here. And there. I HATE LOOKING AT THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE NOW. IT FRUSTRATES ME SO FREAKING MUCH. Dammit. But I can't look away either. Because then I'd seriously be really sad. It's 2am now. This entry is taking me a long time because 1) I'm playing text twist, 2) I don't know what I'm saying, and 3) I'm so freaking freezing. I don't know what I'm doing this break. I feel really unfunctional. In all areas of my life. Not dysfunctional. Just unfunctional. Yesterday I went to the mall, bought two things, and before I left the mall I decided I would return them. So now they're sitting in my room waiting to be returned. And I don't have a job, so my days have no structure to them. I have no commitments, so I don't know what to do with myself. Today I spent the afternoon at Panera, using their wireless, and doing research on study abroad. I was supposed to leave with a good idea of where I wanted to go. Instead I left even more confused about where I wanted to go. So many different programs, so many differnet choices, and I have no idea what I want. I don't even fully understand each type of program. Ack, I need an appointment with my dean when I get back to school.

DC/Ryla/Interact shabang from tomorrow all the way to Saturday. Should be good times. I love those kids. I don't know why I'm not really excited. Maybe because not everyone will be there. We'll be missing Bjay, Laura, Sophia, and Brian. Dang. And I guess that makes me sad because in the future our hangouts will have less and less people, and they'll happen less and less often. Everyone's going on their own track. Doing their own thing. Which they should do. I'm glad we are. But it's sad. Maybe that's why Nick's party made me sad and nostalgic...I guess just knowing that things will never be the same. Not that things are taking a turn for the worse. But even comparing this break to the summer or last year's winter break things have shifted. And I think it's really subltle so no one notices. Because I mean we still have a great time hanging out. We talk, we joke, we laugh, we reminisce. It's all gravy. But obviously as individuals we have changed, and that contributes to a shift in the entire group dynamic. I can pick up right where I left off with a good number of my friends, so it's not like things are awkward. But damn I don't know what I'm saying.

What's going to happen after this break? We won't all be around Fremont, and that obviously isn't the end of the world. And I think when it happens I wont' even notice. I'll just go with the flow, and accept things as they are. It wont' even be a big deal. And that partly freaks me out too. That it won't be this huge change. But it'll be gradual. And gradually we'll all go our own ways. Wtf, I'm getting so depressing. Am I scared of change? I never thought I was one of those people. I think it freaks me out when on the off chance I decide to think about it. But when it actually happens I don't really notice, I don't run away from it, and I don't purposely try to block it and keep things the way they are. In fact I like it because it means things are changing up and getting more interesting. I also don't think you notice these kind of changes until after they've happened and you look back and think "Dang, when did that happen?"

As usual I have sidetracked. I definitely didn't intend to talk about what I did. Well some of it I did. Anyways, I don't feel like getting back on track. You know, I was just thinking that I don't like feeling like I'm not good enough. I find it odd that I've been thinking that because it's not characteristic of me at all. But I guess some things or people just bring it out in me. What a disgusting trait to bring out. How would you like to be responsible for that. Wouldn't you feel terribly LOUSY. hahahahahahaha. Ah what's wrong with me; I need to sleep now.

Peace peace peace.