Eff. I have no idea where my head is these days. My study habits are terrible; I'm acting as if I don't take school seriously, which I do. But I'm really not focusing. My usual excellent time management skills have disintegrated. And I know a lot of people are probably thinking that I'm exaggerating and that terrible study habits means I'm not overachieving or doing things early. BUT YOU'RE WRONG. ALL OF YOU. I actually often times find myself slightly worried about finishing my work. I usually never have a problem with finishing. It's usually a problem of not spending enough time studying (but we all know there's always room for more studying so that never bothered me too much). For instance, tonight, I look at my schedule and realize that I had much more reading than I had thought and I have to write an in depth analysis of a poem I haven't read. Please feel free to stop reading my blog at this point and close the window. I'm really not doing much else except bitching. But it makes me feel good to berate myself and get this out. Anyways. I guess I go to class well prepared to discuss things. But I have stuff like my curriculum (for my summer job) that I have to work on because I have a deadline coming, and I've been majorly neglecting Rotaract. I have so many great ideas but nothing is going to happen unless I do something about it. This paragraph is long. But I'm not gonig to break it up because no one is supposed to still be reading at this point. And I hope that by making a huge paragraph, anyone who is still reading will be deterred from reading further. In fact, I'm going to make this entire entry one huge paragraph. I've decided that now. So Rotaract is not going the way I hoped. (I had a paragraph break here before but I took out just like I said I would. I'm a person of my word). I have better things to talk about than bitching about my terrible work ethic. Things like my retreat this past weekend with Haverford, Bryn Mawr, and Swat IV at the Blue Church, which totally exceeded my expectations. The topic was about sex, and our speaker was extremely intelligent, articulate, and engaging. Well, one would hope for all those things in a speaker. I have much to share about how I was enlightened, but I'm so caught up in not being productive with my time that I haven't had time to reflect. (previous paragraph break here too)I think I'm only starting to realize that my semester is going to be extremely busy, and if I want to make it through with an ounce of sanity then I need to buckle down like right now. (once again another paragraph break that I took out).My head is in the freaking clouds. It's like detached from my neck and floating high above me on fluffy bunny-shaped clouds. That's exactly where it shouldn't be. (paragraph break). And I know that I tell everone dont stress, dont worry, trust God, things are going to be fine. And I know things will be fine. I really do. But my worry isn't so much for the future as for th immediate present. And by immediate present I dont mean the next week. I mean like tonight or tomorrow morning. Like right now. I'm afraid that my performance in my classes will be weak this semester. Actually am I? I dunno. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just caught up in this entry and felt like that was an appropriate thing to say but I don't actually feel it. (paragraph break here. dang what sucker is still reading this sad excuse for an entry?) And I'm having issues with sin and purity blah blah blah. I actually started writing an entry on that but I didn't finish and it's saved on my computer. I'm wrestling with a lot of things in my faith right now. And I think it's all hitting me at once because I'm preparing to get baptized this semester. So I'm talking with my pastor, he gave me stuff to read, I have sessions where I discuss it with him, etc. And of course I have to prepare myself mentally so I'm doing a lot of thinking. So much is running through my mind. And sometimes I just want to talk about it with someone. But I'll be honest, I dont like talking about myself a lot. Like if someone asks me about something in my life, I'll talk about it extensively because why skimp on the details? So I guess it seems like I like talking about myself a lot. Most of the time I'll start talking about myself, and then realize how much I'm talking about myself and then I'll get really disgusted. And I'll stop. And everyone has shit to deal with. Why do I wan to burden them with my crap? Yeah I know friends are there for me, but still. Sometimes I don't want to talk to people and I want to work it out on my own. And why the eff am I still writing this entry when I have hella hw and it's 11:30pm. I originally wrote "fuck" instead of "eff," but after I typed it, I felt so wrong. So I erased it. You didn't need to know that. Well you shouldn't still be reading this entry anyways. (paragraph break)And there are other things running through my mind. This entry is becoming emo. I think I'm going to throw up in my mouth a little bit after writing this entry because it's a pretty damn annoying entry. Everyone has shit to deal with. Most people have more shit than I do. I'm a pretty damn fortunate girl. I'm blessed. And I'm ungrateful. I'm a pretty ungrateful daughter too. I get short with my parents a lot. I'm never gonna have kids if they're just gonna turn out like me and lash out at their parents. I didn't intend for this entry to be this long. But that's typical; i never intend for long entries to be long. I need to suck it up. It'd be really great if someone could just tell me to get over myself and deal with it. There are far worse things that could happen. And I dont want someone to tell me that because I said "tell me this." I want someone to sincerely tell me I'm full of shit. (Damn I can't beleive I'm writing in one whole paragraph. I can't beleive im still writing). I need God so badly in my life right now. So badly. I feel like I'm hungry for so much. And I'm not just saying that I need God in times of distress and I'll cast Him aside when I get over this phase. I mean I really need Him. And I need to fork my life over and stop being prideful and boastful and thinking that I can do it all on my own. I'm not satisfied. And I won't find satisfaction in anything here. And I know where it has to come from but I don't think I'm sincerely seeking it. I pray for it. I think it. I say I want it. But do I really? What am I actively doing to go for it? I hope people don't think this entry was meant to draw sympathy and pity. That's not why I wrote it. I really wrote this for myself because I just need to write. Blog. Journal. I don't want pity. The stuff I have going on is totally handleable, dealable; those defintitely aren't words. I feel better now. Slightly. Why did I waste my time with this entry? See what I mean by I'm not focusing? Case in point: this entry.