I made all the lotteries for my classes next semester, which is good news. Then I realized oh shit I'll be taking three English classes. Ahhhh I'm never going to see the light of day.

I spent the last four days at Amherst, and in those three nights I got more sleep than I have in the past week and a half at school. Sad huh? It was a much needed extended weekend. So what did I do the whole time? Chilled. Slept. Ate. Played Beirut. Watched Arrested Development. Yep. I promise it was a lot more fun and exciting than I make it sound. I haven't felt that relaxed in a long long long long long time. It set me up to be in a good mood for this last week of classes. LAST WEEK OF CLASSES?! Yeah seriously. Good thing I loaded up on sleep because I won't get any this week. But it's Haverford, and I'm used to it.

Oh right, I also watched Tim's piano recital which was the main reason I went. Haha almost forgot to mention that...I got so caught up in all the eating and sleeping I did. WHICH WAS AMAZING I TELL YOU. The sleeping and eating that is.

Just kidding, the recital was too.

I knew it would be though. And if it wasn't I would've been pissed because the entire trip to Amherst takes 7-8 hours.

Haha, j/k about being pissed...I'm purposely being a jerk now because I know you're reading this.

I missed alotlotalototta class though. Today was the first day I was in Chinese since Tuesday. I kinda feel like skipping classes tomorrow. OMG WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME. At the rate I'm going I might as well drop out of school.

It's sad being back at school. Work suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

haha ok I'm just bitching now.

The world hates me. I'm going to cry myself to sleep. I'm going to flunk out of school. No one loves me. I'm so alone and depressed. College is suffocating me. It's too hard. I can't handle it. EMO EMO EMO. DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL SAVE ME FROM MY SORROWS.

I think that might've been wrong on a lot of levels. I'm done before someone hurts me. Peace.

I shopped at VS for the first time today and bought $130 worth of stuff. I feel really good about it too.

I ate three rice cakes. Two were apple cinnamon and one was caramel corn.

I also ate some strawberry yogurt.

I'm currently listening to John Mayer.

I just walked home in the rain. It was a little cold but oddly satisfying.

I skipped Chinese today. SHOCK.

I slept a total of ten hours yesterday: 2 hour nap and 8 eight hours at night. DOUBLE SHOCK.

I can't wait for my weekend to start tomorrow.

Every setence in this entry begins with the word I. And none of it is worth reading.

I I I I I I I I I ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME CENTER OF UNIVERSE

j/k. I kid. I joke. I josh. I tease.

I'm out.

I just pulled my third all-nighter in one week.

I've been getting a lot of sympathy from people...and a lot of reprimands also. But I think I've come to realize that I actually don't like sleep all that much. If I really valued sleep, I would make time for it. But I obviously forgo it pretty easily, so it's not a high priority for me. And it doesn't stress me out to not get 8 hours.

I don't think I had so much work due today that required me to stay up all night, but if I didn't, I would've only gotten three hours, and I would much rather not sleep at all than sleep three hours. I'll be just as wired (or sleepy) but I'll have gotten way more accomplished. Sleep is unproductive. Think of all you can do without it.

I've been awake for 24 hours and I feel pretty good. A cup of hot coffee, an afternoon power nap, and I'm set =].

Class in an hour! []Deace.

From Monday morning until now (Friday evening) I've gotten a total of 13 hours of sleep.

And for this upcoming week I predict I'll be getting the same amount if not less.

hahahahahahaha

awwwwwwwwwwwww

This kind of makes me sad in a delirious sort of way.

Tonight I'm going to pull my second all-nighter this week. It sort of amuses me to think about it.

Sorbet is my absolute all-time favorite dessert:




OMG LOOK WHAT I JUST FOUND:



It's freaking pineapple sorbet INSIDE a pineapple. That's so money.

Thoughts on VT shootings?

Honestly, when I first heard the news I barely flinched. I thought "how tragic," but at the same time I thought "What else is new. Violence is everywhere." I checked the headlines of the NY Times, skimmed the article, and went back to studying. I saw all the posts on the Go! Boards and the campus emails about holding remembrances and moments of silence but I ignored it. I've had a one-track mind focused on school lately.

But today as I was reading all the articles in the NY Times, my heart just broke. And I'm glad it did. I don't really know how to direct my emotions or thoughts...I'm not sure what I think about the whole thing. I'm not going to turn this into a reflective entry about the event or about my life. I don't have anything very substantial to say. No personal reflections or solutions.

Just that we pray and let our hearts mourn for this tragedy. I think that's important, that we not get caught up in racial, political, or social implications because at the very heart of the matter it's about humanity and what else can we do but pray and struggle and love?

I want to go here right now:

Oh em gee. Double you tee eff.

What the fuck.

How come I'm not understanding my taxes. I filled out the paper form of the 1040EZ but why is it that I can't fill it out online. Instead I'm answering all these federal questions pertaining to my taxes, but it's not the actual form. I just want to fill out the effing one page form and move on with my life and study for my BioPsych test and write my Frankenstein essay.

I hate you.

DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH.

Carve out your eyes with a spork and stab you with a Chinese butcher knife.

I just want to be done with you.

School is way more important than taxes.

SHIT SHIT SHIT GODDAMMIT

So the online form says I owe $184 in federal taxes and when I calculate it on the paper form I owe $164? I don't think that's right...

WHY IS MY DAD YELLING AT ME. WHAT THE EFF. He keeps on yelling at me for not doing this earlier. Ok hello I know I should've done it earlier. I realize that. But now that I'm at this point where I have to file it today what effing use does it do for you to yell at me. Abso-freaking-lutely nothing. Let's not dote on what I SHOULD have done in the PAST. Let's focus on fixing my problem now.

I just want to study.

effffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

My roommate says I'm a potty mouth when I get stressed out. I hate to agree with her, but it's true. I've been bitching and cursing at my computer/forms all afternoon.

Ok I feel slightly better now.

DUDE WHAT THE HELL. IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT.

And it's currently snowing/freezing raining

This Coast sucks.

I got this email from Nick Leon. He's always sending the most random forwards to me. This message is written by George Carlin, comedian of the 70s and 80s:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, re ad too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancie r hous es, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

George Carlin


Sort of related to that message up there, I was talking to a friend recently about how I need to find a better balance between talking on the phone and doing my homework. When I was expressing my worry that my grades would take a dive because I wasn't spending as much time as I should be studying, my friend pointed out that it's worth it because he hasn't heard me this happy in a long time. And he assured me that I would find that balance eventually because I could never let my schoolwork drop off the face of the earth. I definately wouldn't be able to live with myself. And my roommate says it's good for my mental health. She says I always sound so happy on the phone...which is true. I guess the main thing I sacrifice is sleep, and I never valued sleep that much anyways.

I guess this is 4 out of 5 now.

I was in the middle of taking my Chinese test late last night, and I fell asleep in the freaking middle of it. Not good...

Five more hours of training today.

Do you know what I love? When you don't want to tell someone something because you don't know what their reaction will be, but then when you finally do tell them, their reaction is the exact opposite of what you imagined. That makes me feel really good.

Know what else I love? Feeling happy

My roommate came home last night completely wasted. I give her water and a garbage can to throw up in. She says she doesn't need to throw up, but just in case I put it next to her. And when she finally does throw up, instead of throwing up in the garbage can, she makes a break for the bathroom. WTF WHY. As she's running to the bathroom she obviously doesn't make it because it's coming up as she's moving, so she throws up over the ENTIRE bathhroom and part of the hallway. It's all over the toilet, the floor, the sink, and the walls. Gross right? I had fun cleaning that up...

I have eight hours of lifeguard training today...

It's 4:30am. I have an article due in four hours, which I've just now started.

In my defense this had nothing to do with poor planning. I studied Chinese all night, and I was ready to start this article at 1:30 with plans to be finished by 3:30.

But I was pleasantly distracted for two hours. I guess I can't complain too much.

I'm really really really super super hella sleepy now though. Sleep is not an option! Muuuuussssttttttt fiiiinnnniiiisssshhhhhh.

What was going in my life at this time in 2005?

______________________________________________________________

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

It's 12:50am and I'm supposed to wake up in two hours to leave for L.A.

So why aren't I in bed? My reasoning is that i could sleep for 4-5 hours, wake up at 3am and be all groggy, grouchy, grumpy, and tired OR I could just not sleep tonight and crash in the car. I'm wondering how well that will work out since my Occidental tour is at 10:30am. It should be fine since I'll be getting about 7 hours of sleep. But then again, it's seven hours in a car......not in my nice, warm, comfy bed. Ah, my bed is starting to sound so nice now. I think it's calling to me.

Maybe I'll do some homework.

Brian's keeping me entertained on AIM right now. Thank goodness for friends who are aim whores =D

_______________________________________________________________


The next entry comes a week later after I visited SoCal colleges and Haverford. And then a week after that I decided on Haverford and sent out my rejections to my other colleges. In the weeks leading up to my college visits I was stressing out (big surprise huh?) about which college to pick and venting about how my parents didn't want me to go to Haverford. Funny because now they tell everyone they meet I go to this random, tiny, liberal arts college on the East Coast. Parents always do come around in the end. heh.

That was a nice walk down memory lane. I was originally going to post something from 2004 but the entry was so lame I couldn't bring myself to do it. This one seemed much more substantial.

I was going to end here, but I went back to March 2005 and the first entry made me laugh really hard so I'll share it with you guys:

_________________________________________________________________

Thursday, March 03, 2005

my day sucked. i haven't cried in a long time.

put me in cement.

_________________________________________________________________

HAHAHAHAHA. I don't even remember what happened. And I don't know why I chose cement of all things.

So obviously these entries have nothing to do with what's going on in my life right now. What's going on in my life right now is school, work, and lifeguard training. I don't want to blog about all the details of that so let's just say that I have a lot of it and I'd like to be put in bronze this time instead of cement. I joke. My work is very manageable. I always stress and spaz out before the week starts and then once I'm in the thick of it, it's not as terrible as I imagine. It's only mildly shitty.

Ok. I wasted like twenty minutes. Yay.

Easter Sunday - April 8, 2007 (photos courtesy of the wonderfully talented Andy Kim)



Performance put on by the kids






Tim Yoon and I



Giving my testimony











Post-testimony



Answering "I do" to Pastor Steve's questions. I don't know what I found so funny to make me smile like that.



Tim getting confirmed



Drumroll please...



Getting baptized!



I'll admit, I wish I got dunked. I think it would've been cool. But this was still pretty baller.



Pastor Steve praying with me



Congratulations hug =]. Yo I got so many hugs that day; it made me extremely happy.



Officially a part of the family of God now =]



Praying over a newborn. Aw.


Easter really did feel like a second birthday. At first when Pastor Martin was talking about having it on Easter, I was indifferent to it. I didn't think it made the day any more or less significant. But dang that day was just so much more special because it was on Easter. Rebirth, resurrection...it was all so perfect, and all done according to His will.

My testimony went well; I was feeling kinda nervous about it while Tim was giving his and I sat waiting for my turn. But once I started talking, it felt so good to share my story. I did alright, but God, God did great. It didn't feel like me talking up there. The words weren't coming from my mouth but from my heart where God put them. God is alawys great, but yesterday His glory truly was all around and I could feel it weighing on me like I had never felt before.

I was so happy yesterday. Happy to officially proclaim my faith. Happy to be inducted to God's family. Happy to see so many of my friends AND my sister there. Happy that Tim drove for freaking ever from Amherst to come see me get baptized. Happy to receive so many hugs and blessings. Happy to get flowers, a Bible, and C.S. Lewis books. Happy to feel so much love and support from the church. And I felt such JOY to honor God. Joy to start a renewed life in Christ. Joy from being washed over with God's love. Joy in Christ's death and resurrection. Joy in salvation and redemption. Damn guys I could go on forever but I'll stop.

I've been on this constant high since Sunday. I feel so right with God. I remembering wondering what this baptism was going to do. What would change? My lifestyle? How would I feel? What if I failed to meet expectations after this? Then what? Was it all in vain? I was so worried about what this baptism was going to accomplish and what would be expected of me afterwards. But I didn't have to worry at all. God made everything so beautiful and perfect just like the faithful God He is. Rui Qi was telling me a few days before my baptism that I should just let go of my worries because any change I was concerned about, God would make happen, and He would take care of it. And hey guess what, He did.

I love where I am right now with God. That's not to say that I don't want more. Now that I've readhed this milestone, I can't wait for more. It only gets better. And I know that I won't always feel like I do now. There'll be times when I'm frustrated, distant, tired, etc. But I know that through all that I can always come back because He calls me and He welcomes me no matter where I may stray. And I know that there'll be dry periods. But I also know that what I felt yesterday and how I feel now is so real and that will keep me persevering.

This is a random note to end on, but I want to share it because it amused me. During fellowship time yesterday, David (our worship leader), asked me if I was an English major. I told him yes and he said in response, "Yeah I could tell. That was the most gramatically correct testimony I've heard." I asked him if he was being serious and he completely was. HAHA. Well I guess I'm glad he thought so.

What a great weekend =]

Happy Easter everyone!

I'm getting baptized today guys! Today I officially enter the family of Christ. Praise the Lord!

Yesterday when Tim Yoon (someone else at my church getting confirmed today) and I met with our pastors yesterday, I was fully hit with the magnitude of the significance of this baptism. And it is so amazing and beautiful.

Details about the baptism later...

I feel kind of stressed out. So I went looking for funny pictures and instead found this cool one:



I'm totally weaksauce. I was feeling so energetic all day. I was awake, attentive, and alert. And feeling pretty good about all that considering I got fours of sleep last night. But I can barely stay awake now =[


hahahahahaaha I actually laughed out loud at this one:



Ok enough of this. Time for homework.

I'm all freaking smiles right now. It's 11pm and I haven't started any of my homework; I have over 100 pages of reading, I have to revise my summer curriculum for both my classes, I have 70 or so Chinese characters to memorize, I have research up my butt, I have a testimony to write, I have two news articles to write...but I feel great because guess what? I'm getting baptized THIS EASTER SUNDAY! Yeah, on freaking Easter! And for the FIRST time since making the decision to get baptized I feel uncontrollably happy and excited. All I've felt so far is apprehension and nervousness. But tonight I met with Pastor Martin for the second to last time (we finished going over John Stott's book, Christian Basics), and I came out of our meeting feeling confident and ready. This is the first time I've felt that this baptism is the right thing to do and the right time to do it. I'm sure of it. I can't even describe to you how happy I feel. All I could see before was this daunting task of writing my testimony and the even scarier fact that I had to put on an impressive performance in front of my church. But now I can't wait to write my testimony and profess it before my congregation and friends, and I'm sad that I have to restrict all my feelings and experiences to a five minute speech (which translates to two pages double spaced). And I'm just realizing that it's not a performance for the church. It's a time for me to proclaim the change that God has already made in me and to willingly, boldly, and happily declare that for His glory. You know I normally don't blog about this and get "preachy," but that's always been because although sometimes I want to share I'm not completely confident in my thoughts. But what I feel right now is literally uncontainable, so here I am =]

You guys I seriously feel so great right now. It's not just happiness. It's joy. And yes there's a difference. Happy is what I get when I get an A on an essay. The joy I'm feeling now comes from God's love. I mean plain and simple that's what it is. I suppose I could've stated that more eloquently but that basically sums up how I feel now. My baptism is a chance for me to honor God because I love Him. And all this is possible because He has called me to Him. I didn't have to come crawling on my knees; I'm called and I finally feel delighted to answer. I feel secure in my faith in Christ right now. And I know that this doesn't mean I'll always feel completely assured; I know that there will be times when I stumble, fall, turn away, crash, burn, melt, etc. But now I feel that I can rest assured in knowing that the bond is unbreakable. And I've always KNOWN that to be true. But knowing something is so different than feeling it. And I feel it so strongly now. Dude, wtheck is going on!

I'm not trying to be sensational. I can barely comprehend what I'm writing. I'm not completely thinking this through, I don't know who's going to read this, frankly I don't care who reads this. Some of my readers might not understand everything I'm saying. Some might completley get what I'm saying. Whatevs, either way it doesn't make a difference to me. I'm not being obnoxious or anything. I don't even know what I'm defending. This entry is purely for me to get my thoughts out.

I've had this constant concern that after baptism then my life will have to manifest an obvious change. That I'll have to make a conscious and viable effort to change my lifestyle. And I didn't like that idea of obligation. I shouldn't need a baptism to make me want to live differently. Plus, I felt like I was missing the entire point of baptism by saying it was to procure a lifestyle change. But change and growth is continuous! If I get baptized now or in two months the change that would've happened in those two months would be the same regardless. God will see me in the same way after baptism. That won't change. Maybe all I'll get from this is a greater apreciation of Christ and His sacrifice. Or maybe God will use this occassion as a catalyst for greater change. Who knows? I don't. Whichever it is, is fine with me. Before, I felt that it had to be the latter because otherwise what was the point? But it doesn't need to be! The point is that I don't make the change; God makes it. Thank goodness something like this is not in my hands.

I feel so incoherent now. I have so many thoughts filling my brain. I'm not trying to imbue with meaning something that doesn't have any. That is the one thing I'm always afraid of doing...partly why I don't often blog about faith-related occassions and concerns in my life. But this is one thing I'm so sure of that it can't not be true.

Ok I think I've exhausted all my thoughts. I'm totally not getting sleep tonight. Wait, one more.

This past Friday, I went to Swat with IV to hear a talk given by this hippie looking dude. I don't want to explain everything about who he was or what he talked about but at the very heart of his talk was God's love. And I know that can be an overtalked about topic that people often get tired of. I for one have become frustrated with it because it's something I could never fully grasp in feeling. I always knew it to be true, but it's like I couldn't wrap my heart around it. I'm not saying I completely understand it now. But oh man so much more than before, so much more. So back to what I was saying. The thing that struck me the most about his talk was he said that the world is looking for Christian extremists marked by love and grace. Wowowowowowowowow. That seriously hit home for me. I'm sure I've heard that before but maybe this was just the right time for me to hear it because that like floored me. C.S. Lewis talks about how we are afraid to be extreme Christians. There is a bad stereotype surrounding extreme Christians. The Christian right. Pro-Life extremists. People who carry "God hates fags" signs. There is a bad connotation surrounding the ided of an extreme Christian and people don't want to be labeled as a very religious person for fear of being attached with those negative stereotypes. But as Christians we have to change that. And that's what this guy was communicating. The world is desperate of extreme Christians of Love and Grace. And I haven't completely figured out how this works into my whole baptism journey type thing, but it totally fits into the picture and into my understanding of getting baptized. Like it all clicks. I'll need to sit down later and think about the whole picture when I'm writing my testimony. Anyways, "Christian extremists marked by love and grace," what a powerful statement.

So God's love is the reason for my JOY tonight. And the reason for my HAPPINESS is now is the phone conversation I just had.

Guys I feel great. I really do.

School is kind of kicking my ass though. The semester is winding down and I'm realizing OH SHIT I NEED TO GET ON THIS. I have to finish all the reading and research for my fifteen page paper by April 17th, and I haven't even started. I don't even have all my sources! Man, Steph, you're slacking! Slacking man! Oh and I'm retarded because I chose April 17th to give my presentation about my paper topic which means I basically chose that date to finish all my research by when I could've chosen a date that was a week or even two weeks later. I figured by setting the date sooner it'd force me to do my research. Little did I know that that week I have a Biopsych test and an English essay due. I think I might go to my professor and beg for mercy. Ask him if I can switch dates or something. He's so hott.

Chinese is owning me. I need to practice more.

BioPsych is kind of going over my head too. I leave every class feeling overwhelmed with information and kind of frazzled. I just can't keep up fast enough in class. And it's not good that I'm not going through the material after each class because now it's just all piling up.

And I have this freaking HUGE project coming up in Biopsych. Like massive. I don't want to go into details. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

Oh and journalism newspaper stuff is totally consuming my extracurricular life. As usual I'm writing for the college newspaper but I also just got this semi-internship with the local newspaper. And I have my first article due next week! Yikes!

Lifeguarding is going to take over my life starting next Friday also.

Ok so that's what I have on my plate in a nutshell. Not that anyone out there needs to know because everyone has their own crap to deal with. I don't blog about this to elicit sympathy. I kind of wanted to type it out so I could see it in perspective and get my head in order.

Alright time to get cracking. And now it's 11:30pm. Damn, I gotta start doing my homework earlier.

HEARTS, STARS, AND HORSESHOES, CLOVERS, AND BLUE MOONS! POTS OF GOLD AND RAINBOWS, AND A RED A BALLOON!

Foam soap makes me smile =]



My school recently changed all of the soap dispensers to AUTOMATIC FOAM SOAP. It makes me happy to wash my hands.