I'm all freaking smiles right now. It's 11pm and I haven't started any of my homework; I have over 100 pages of reading, I have to revise my summer curriculum for both my classes, I have 70 or so Chinese characters to memorize, I have research up my butt, I have a testimony to write, I have two news articles to write...but I feel great because guess what? I'm getting baptized THIS EASTER SUNDAY! Yeah, on freaking Easter! And for the FIRST time since making the decision to get baptized I feel uncontrollably happy and excited. All I've felt so far is apprehension and nervousness. But tonight I met with Pastor Martin for the second to last time (we finished going over John Stott's book, Christian Basics), and I came out of our meeting feeling confident and ready. This is the first time I've felt that this baptism is the right thing to do and the right time to do it. I'm sure of it. I can't even describe to you how happy I feel. All I could see before was this daunting task of writing my testimony and the even scarier fact that I had to put on an impressive performance in front of my church. But now I can't wait to write my testimony and profess it before my congregation and friends, and I'm sad that I have to restrict all my feelings and experiences to a five minute speech (which translates to two pages double spaced). And I'm just realizing that it's not a performance for the church. It's a time for me to proclaim the change that God has already made in me and to willingly, boldly, and happily declare that for His glory. You know I normally don't blog about this and get "preachy," but that's always been because although sometimes I want to share I'm not completely confident in my thoughts. But what I feel right now is literally uncontainable, so here I am =]

You guys I seriously feel so great right now. It's not just happiness. It's joy. And yes there's a difference. Happy is what I get when I get an A on an essay. The joy I'm feeling now comes from God's love. I mean plain and simple that's what it is. I suppose I could've stated that more eloquently but that basically sums up how I feel now. My baptism is a chance for me to honor God because I love Him. And all this is possible because He has called me to Him. I didn't have to come crawling on my knees; I'm called and I finally feel delighted to answer. I feel secure in my faith in Christ right now. And I know that this doesn't mean I'll always feel completely assured; I know that there will be times when I stumble, fall, turn away, crash, burn, melt, etc. But now I feel that I can rest assured in knowing that the bond is unbreakable. And I've always KNOWN that to be true. But knowing something is so different than feeling it. And I feel it so strongly now. Dude, wtheck is going on!

I'm not trying to be sensational. I can barely comprehend what I'm writing. I'm not completely thinking this through, I don't know who's going to read this, frankly I don't care who reads this. Some of my readers might not understand everything I'm saying. Some might completley get what I'm saying. Whatevs, either way it doesn't make a difference to me. I'm not being obnoxious or anything. I don't even know what I'm defending. This entry is purely for me to get my thoughts out.

I've had this constant concern that after baptism then my life will have to manifest an obvious change. That I'll have to make a conscious and viable effort to change my lifestyle. And I didn't like that idea of obligation. I shouldn't need a baptism to make me want to live differently. Plus, I felt like I was missing the entire point of baptism by saying it was to procure a lifestyle change. But change and growth is continuous! If I get baptized now or in two months the change that would've happened in those two months would be the same regardless. God will see me in the same way after baptism. That won't change. Maybe all I'll get from this is a greater apreciation of Christ and His sacrifice. Or maybe God will use this occassion as a catalyst for greater change. Who knows? I don't. Whichever it is, is fine with me. Before, I felt that it had to be the latter because otherwise what was the point? But it doesn't need to be! The point is that I don't make the change; God makes it. Thank goodness something like this is not in my hands.

I feel so incoherent now. I have so many thoughts filling my brain. I'm not trying to imbue with meaning something that doesn't have any. That is the one thing I'm always afraid of doing...partly why I don't often blog about faith-related occassions and concerns in my life. But this is one thing I'm so sure of that it can't not be true.

Ok I think I've exhausted all my thoughts. I'm totally not getting sleep tonight. Wait, one more.

This past Friday, I went to Swat with IV to hear a talk given by this hippie looking dude. I don't want to explain everything about who he was or what he talked about but at the very heart of his talk was God's love. And I know that can be an overtalked about topic that people often get tired of. I for one have become frustrated with it because it's something I could never fully grasp in feeling. I always knew it to be true, but it's like I couldn't wrap my heart around it. I'm not saying I completely understand it now. But oh man so much more than before, so much more. So back to what I was saying. The thing that struck me the most about his talk was he said that the world is looking for Christian extremists marked by love and grace. Wowowowowowowowow. That seriously hit home for me. I'm sure I've heard that before but maybe this was just the right time for me to hear it because that like floored me. C.S. Lewis talks about how we are afraid to be extreme Christians. There is a bad stereotype surrounding extreme Christians. The Christian right. Pro-Life extremists. People who carry "God hates fags" signs. There is a bad connotation surrounding the ided of an extreme Christian and people don't want to be labeled as a very religious person for fear of being attached with those negative stereotypes. But as Christians we have to change that. And that's what this guy was communicating. The world is desperate of extreme Christians of Love and Grace. And I haven't completely figured out how this works into my whole baptism journey type thing, but it totally fits into the picture and into my understanding of getting baptized. Like it all clicks. I'll need to sit down later and think about the whole picture when I'm writing my testimony. Anyways, "Christian extremists marked by love and grace," what a powerful statement.

So God's love is the reason for my JOY tonight. And the reason for my HAPPINESS is now is the phone conversation I just had.

Guys I feel great. I really do.

School is kind of kicking my ass though. The semester is winding down and I'm realizing OH SHIT I NEED TO GET ON THIS. I have to finish all the reading and research for my fifteen page paper by April 17th, and I haven't even started. I don't even have all my sources! Man, Steph, you're slacking! Slacking man! Oh and I'm retarded because I chose April 17th to give my presentation about my paper topic which means I basically chose that date to finish all my research by when I could've chosen a date that was a week or even two weeks later. I figured by setting the date sooner it'd force me to do my research. Little did I know that that week I have a Biopsych test and an English essay due. I think I might go to my professor and beg for mercy. Ask him if I can switch dates or something. He's so hott.

Chinese is owning me. I need to practice more.

BioPsych is kind of going over my head too. I leave every class feeling overwhelmed with information and kind of frazzled. I just can't keep up fast enough in class. And it's not good that I'm not going through the material after each class because now it's just all piling up.

And I have this freaking HUGE project coming up in Biopsych. Like massive. I don't want to go into details. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

Oh and journalism newspaper stuff is totally consuming my extracurricular life. As usual I'm writing for the college newspaper but I also just got this semi-internship with the local newspaper. And I have my first article due next week! Yikes!

Lifeguarding is going to take over my life starting next Friday also.

Ok so that's what I have on my plate in a nutshell. Not that anyone out there needs to know because everyone has their own crap to deal with. I don't blog about this to elicit sympathy. I kind of wanted to type it out so I could see it in perspective and get my head in order.

Alright time to get cracking. And now it's 11:30pm. Damn, I gotta start doing my homework earlier.

HEARTS, STARS, AND HORSESHOES, CLOVERS, AND BLUE MOONS! POTS OF GOLD AND RAINBOWS, AND A RED A BALLOON!