OH EFF. I went over my cell minutes by 100 minutes. Goddammit. This is the second time this has happened in the last three months.

Shit.

At $0.45 a minute, that's $45.

Fuck.

I quit.

hahahahahahahahahaha I'm not allowed to access facebook at St.Mark's.

So I'm at work now at the St.Mark's school in Southborough, Ma. I'm on their wireless network and when I tried going to facebook.com I got a page saying that this webpage had been blocked. I guess no facebook for seven weeks...? Eh I'm sure I'll find a way to get on.

I left my house yesterday morning at 5:30am and got to St.Mark's at 10:00pm. It was a long long long long long long day. Everything went smoothly...the plane ride, the shuttle, the two subway trains, and the commuter rail...until I got off at the Southborough station and realized that I was in the middle of nowhere. I thought I could call a cab from the station but there is no station office and even if there had been it wouldn't be open at 9:30pm. So I walked into a convenience store and asked for the number of a cab company. I call a number and the guy who answers the phone screams out "WHAT!" Me: Uhhhhh, is this a cab company? Guy: Oh yeah sorry I thought you were someone else. Weird. Then he proceeds to tell me that I should have called them while I was on the train because I'm in the middle of nowhere and it'll take them fifteen minutes to come to me. He doesn't really tell me this so much as lectures me about it for three minutes. This whole exchange seemed hella sketchy to me so I call Patrick and he keeps me company on the phone while I freak out about how this could be something out of a scary movie. I'm really good at reassuring myself by imagining fun scenarios like that.

Anyways, the cab pulls up fifteen minutes later in a non-cab car because they function as both a cab company and livery service? I have no idea. I still felt hella sketched out but I got to school in one piece so it's all good. "Hella sketched out." Dang what a phrase. Where do I people come up with stuff like that? It's genius.

My three weeks at home were fun and relaxing. I ate, slept, and went out with people. 'Twas quite fun. The last week passed in a blur...I was so caught up in trying to see everyone before I left for work that tt didn't actually hit me that I was leaving until last night at St.Mark's when I was about to go to bed. I just felt an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I think I always get like that my first night in a new place. Plus I was tired from traveling all day and just felt like curling up in a hug. It was a moment of weakness but luckily it passed because I just slept it off and no damage has been done to my rock solid reputation. Celebrate!

I hate East Coast summers. If humidity were a person I would kill it by sticking a sword into its gut and wrenching out its insides.

Cheers!

Glass Kat with Miss Paula Jean, two of her church friends she hasn't seen in two years, and one other random guy.
Air con.
Sparkling apple juice.
Cock blocking.
Swimming in sweat. Dripping it everywhere.
Hyphy music.
Helllllllllaaaaa people.
OH SHIEEEEEET.
Calm the fuck down.
Three awkward asian guys.
Go hard. (Or according to JP, "Get hard.")
Walk it out.
Hey bae-bae!
Girlfriend for the night.
Can I get in the middle? Wtf. no.
Getting picked up.
Omg. I can see her underwear.

I've never sweated so much in my entire life. It was just a constant state of being wet. And I did not mean that in a dirty way. So many people. So much energy. So much fun.

It took us two years to go clubbing. Spontaneous fun is the best fun. I forgot all the crazy times we have dancing. Best date ever. Much love to my favorite girlfriend.

Note: The first third of this entry I wrote a week ago. The middle third I wrote about four days ago. And the last third I’m writing now.

I'm ready to blog. I've noticed that my blogging parallels my work in school. The more work I have the more I blog to procrastinate. Now when I'm super free and all I do is read, facebook stalk, sleep, and eat, I don't blog at all. But I want to reflect on the end of the school year, mainly chapter camp.

The week leading up to camp was busy, hectic, and stressful. I took finals up till the last minute on Friday morning, spent the afternoon being ridiculously happy, and then packed like a fiend at night and the next morning. After putting all my crap into storage (I HATE MOVING) I left for Lake Champion with the other IV kids that afternoon.

I wasn't really expecting much going in to chapter camp. Plus I didn't know what to expect. Greg had said when he went last year it totally turned his faith around but I didn't want to set my own expectations and then feel let down. So I went into chapter camp completely open to whatever God was going to do that week. And ltos of things he did indeed. I can't actually pinpoint anything and say "this. this is how God has changed me." But just that week was so amazing. I remember wishing so many times that life was just one big chapter camp and that everyone was like the people there. It was a week of constant prayer, worship, and fellowship. Everything we did involved prayer and having been kind of MIA from prayer because of school, I loved it. Sometimes when school gets busy and I'm stressed, prayer and qts can feel like a burden. But at camp praying with people all the time and taking time alone to pray was the best thing for me.

Prayer can be a funny thing. It takes time to do, so when I'm busy it's one of the first things that gets shafted. It doesn't have a deadline, it doesn't get graded, people aren't relying on me for it, so when schoolwork is at my heels I neglect prayer. But I know that by neglecting it I'm taking myself further away from what's important and losing focus and probably causing myself more stress. But I like to think that I'm maximizing my time. And even while I'm thinking that I know it's completely false but I do it anyways because it's an easy way out.

But back to chapter camp. It was common to see people in the hallway, in their rooms, out on the grass, or on the beach just reading their bible or praying. And people didn't give them a second glance. I loved that. I was talking to Omari about this and how we both wanted to stay at camp forever or bring camp back to our campuses. Well that last part was what our track, Leading Witness, was about. Bringing what we learned, what we did, how we felt at camp...bringing it back to our campuses.

One of the things I loved about chapter camp was how low key everything was. It was such a fruitful week for me and I know I wasn't getting caught up in the sensationalism of fiery speakers, loud worship music, lighting effects and what not because there wasn't any of that. Worship was simple; there were about 7-10 songs that we recycled for each worship session. And actually the best worship I've ever had in my entire life took place the last night of camp around the bonfire. Some people were playing games, some were talking, and there was a group of five or six of us singing worship songs while Alan played the guitar. It was beautiful. Just being outside under the stars (which you could actually see. so gorgeous) with only Alan's guitar and our voices.

And we didn't invite outside speakers; all of our talks were given by IV staff workers. And they weren't particularly inspirational. They were straightforward and often gave information that we either already knew or could've figured out. But we needed to hear it because I think many times we're confronted with situations where we can't answer the most basic and simple questions. And that's understandably so because we haven't addressed them ourselves. We've accepted them and then moved on but have never really reflected back on that. I think our track worked really hard to teach us how to become good leaders for our fellowships and small groups on campus. And not just that but how to be examples of the work Christ has done in us.

Chapter camp got me super jazzed for leadership next year. Our IV is small. Really tiny small. And we so desperately want to reach out to more people and grow. But we all have high hopes for next year and we’re praying hard for our small fellowship and the campus.

So everything up until this paragraph I wrote about a week ago. But I didn’t publish it because I didn’t like it and I planned on going back and revising it. It’s 3am right now, and I can’t sleep because I have a lot of stuff on my mind. I also don’t want to reread and rewrite what I wrote so I’m just going to tack on a bunch more stuff to make up for the sucky paragraphs before this.

Whenever I have a good, long conversation with my mom I come out of it feeling pretty depressed. I feel like my mom has become cynical and pessimistic about things. “things” is a pretty vague term. I guess I could replace it with life, the future, but that wouldn’t be completely true. Certain parts of life and certain aspects of the future is more like it. But then you could say that describes almost anyone. We all have things we’re pessimistic and cynical about. But I definitely think my mom has those attributes much more than most people. You could also argue that most people I know are people under 30 so naturally they have a more ambitious and optimistic view of life. In which case my claim that my mom is more pessimistic and cynical than most people doesn’t really hold weight since I’m not making a comparable comparison. Haha comparable comparison. Yes I find that funny. But even so my mom has become more cynical over the years; I guess nicely fulfilling the stereotype you often find in storybooks and movies of old people who have been made into cynics by their life experiences and who shun away the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed youngsters with….

Ok I need to stop with the analogies and the deconstructing of my own thoughts. A lot of times when I blog I feel like I need to cover all my bases, find all the holes in my thoughts, backup everything I say, touch upon all the counterarguments, etc. etc. Which is probably why some of my blog posts end up being miles long. Ha.

So cutting to the chase. I had a nice, er maybe nice isn’t the word…but I had a conversation with my mom about dun dun dun FAMILY! Yay family problems. How I love to attach myself to thee and revisit thee under the moonlight and whisper sweet nothings in your ear then chop you up with a machete because I hate you and you’re so frustrating.

I don’t want to go into my family problems because that’s personal and this blog is public. Why is this blog public. Oh right, that would be my bad. The entire conversation with my mom, my mind was on God. Serious. Not so much God I love you Jesus you’re my Savior Hallelujah type thoughts. But more along the lines of how can I work God into this conversation. How can I glorify God in this conversation. How can I show that He is the answer and the reason to everything we’re talking about in a way that she can understand. How do I let my words and my actions speak “Jesus.” How do I let His work in me, how do I let the Word be manifested right now? All this goes back to the conversation I had with Tony during chapter camp. Oh I sense a tangent coming up.

Tangent tangent tangent tangent tangent tangent tangent tangent tangent

So Tony and I had a pretty intense conversation during one of the free times at chapter camp.

Everything I just wrote about my mom I wrote four days ago. I also didn’t publish it because I obviously didn’t finish. I wasn’t in the mood. Now that it’s 3:05am I feel like blogging some more. I really like blogging. It gives me a chance to write out my thoughts and get things off my chest without having to talk to an actual person. A lot of times I can’t articulate my thoughts and I just need to write it out. And it’s always hard for me to just randomly just talk about stuff with friends. So I sit here listening to Nickelback and blogging at 3am. I have this weird emo-feeling of stuff weighing on me. I have a pretty care-free life. What the hell kind of stuff is weighing on me. And immediately after typing that last sentence I’m struck with the thought that I need to give it all over to God. I should probably be reading my Bible now or praying instead of blogging. I think I’ll do that after I finish this.

So back to the tangent I started four days ago. Tony and I had a conversation about our families. I’m not even sure if I can blog about this because it’s hard for me to summarize everything and have it make sense. Oh well I guess it doesn’t have to make sense and it doesn’t have to be a perfect summary since no one will know the difference. BUT I’LL KNOW. And that’s enough to make me spend an hour making sure I get it just right. OCD a little? Maybe. We can debate that later though.

Anyways so the conversation we had about our families. Basically we just talked about how we have distant relationships with our parents. And the hardest thing to do is to really just love our parents. Really. We both respect our parents and are pretty good kids. We’re not close with our parents but we’re on good terms with them. And we talked about the dynamic of an Asian household. Where the kids can’t really talk back to the parents. What the parents say is the final say. Things aren’t really discussed. Both of our dads are like control freaks. And then Tony told me that when he became a Christian things started to change. And he told me about this one time a few years ago when he just straight up told his dad “Dad. You can’t talk to Mom like that. It’s disrespectful and you should treat her better than that.” And out of our entire conversation that part is the only one I remember clearly. Because everything else he said hinged on that. When Tony told me that my immediate reaction was, “Holy shit. No you didn’t. Did he slap you.” I don’t remember what Tony said his dad’s reaction was but the gist of what we talked about after that was talking to our parents with a real Christian love. And that really got me.

People talk about Christ’s role in the household. But what’s his role if the rest of your family isn’t Christian? I reasoned that Tony was able to talk to his dad like that because both his parents are Catholic and they’re pretty involved in their faith and know what place Tony is coming from. But immediately when I said that Tony was quick to correct me. His family never talked about religion or anything pertaining to their faith. Even when Tony joined IV as a staff worker, it wasn’t talked about. I’m getting sidetracked.

Basically what I got from our conversation was that I really need to work on my relationship with my parents. I explained to Tony how difficult my dad is to talk to and live with. By now I’ve gotten used to and have ignored everything I find annoying. But Tony was right when he said that I’d have to deal with it eventually because it would come back to me. I can’t run away from it forever. And in our track we’re talking about ministering to others and being witnesses. Our track is freaking called leading witness. And everyone says it starts in the home. This is what I told Tony: you don’t know my dad Tony. I can’t bring up God or Jesus. He won’t get it. My parents know I go to church and stuff but they don’t know the importance of my faith to me. It’s something in my life that’s completely intangible to them. Tony’s response? Make it tangible. Show them through my actions, my speech. Change my relationship with them. So this break I’ve been trying to be more loving but my attitude is getting the best of me. Sometimes I have so much attitude it sickens me.

I never thought I needed to work on my relationship with my dad. He’s so impossible to deal with that I just accepted it and I was okay with it. But I realized the first thing I need to change is the idea that he’s impenetrable. One, that’s not true. Two, what does that say about my faith in God and what He can do. And three, does that mean I’ve just given up? And I guess I had. I haven’t completely ridded myself of that feeling. But I’m really making a conscious effort now. A conscious effort to be more compassionate towards my parents and really doing that with a Christ-like love. Anyways I think this was the most important thing I took away from chapter camp.

Ok I think my tangent is over. That was a huge tangent. I forgot what I was originally talking about. Oh right, family problems. Everyone has them. I’m not unique. My point was that I wish my family could turn to God. And I wish He was the glue that kept us together. And I think this is a change from before when I wished my family was Christian just because I thought they should be. But now it’s like I recognize our need for God so much more than before. It’s a desperate, desperate need. And that’s not what I thought before. I’m starting to realize how much I need God in my life and how lost I am without am. I’m not putting myself above anyone but sometimes when I see people struggle with things or not struggle with things I want so badly for them to turn to God because only He can sustain with.

When I hear my mom talk about our family problems, I want her to know God so badly. My heart cries for it. That could be a line in a Dashboard song. But really. I think the word “yearns” perfectly describes what I feel. My heart truly yearns for my family to know God. And not because I think it’ll solve our problems. It won’t. Christians have problems. But because I see such a need for Him in this family. I can’t explain it. But does a need for God really need an explanation? He places the need in our hearts right? I always pray that God will give me a heart that seeks Him and a passion to really know Him. And I think that prayer is being answered in this sort of roundabout way.

I feel like I started talking about my conversation with my mom and I intended to blog about how that made me feel and what I think about all of our family problems. But I ended up in a completely different place talking about chapter camp and God. Heh, everything comes back to Him doesn’t it? Well I do have thoughts about how I feel about our family problems but that’s irrelevant. Plus I don’t feel like retracing my steps.

So all that junk has been on my mind for awhile. So what’s keeping me up tonight. Other family things I guess.

I feel so ungrateful sometimes. I used to be pretty conservative with my money. Mainly because I didn’t have any. And how the hell are you going to spend money if you have none. But I noticed a recent trend in my lifestyle where I just blow my money. And by “blow” I don’t mean on pretty things I don’t need. Although arguably what I do spend my money on I don’t actually need. Eating out with friends, new clothes, an ipod. So it’s not all pointless. I eat out because that’s how I hang out with friends. I bought an ipod because carrying a cd player and a cd case full of cds wasn’t travel efficient. But I used to think about how I was spending my money and restrict myself. But now I don’t even think twice about it. It’s not like I’ve suddenly struck it rich. I just worked more this year so I had more money and I’m just spending it left and right.

The main reason I took this summer teaching job was so I would have money to study abroad in Europe. But at the rate I’m spending this summer that’s not going to happen. I used to be smart about this kind of stuff. Anyways back to my point about being ungrateful. I have a lot of leisure, and I enjoy it by doing fun things, buying nice things, going to nice places. Etc. And my parents who work 10000x harder than I do don’t do anything nice for themselves. And when I say parents I do mean both parents but mainly my mom because my dad is kind of useless and doesn’t work. Anywho, they work way harder than I ever have in my entire life and they don’t do anything fun. They don’t have leisure time, they don’t have friends, they don’t go out that much. It’s all work. And here I am, just blowing my money on anything I want. And yeah I feel bad about that. Granted, it’s my money I’m spending; none of it is theirs. But still I ask myself what right do I have to enjoy all these things when they don’t enjoy anything?

And what gets me the most is that whenever I come home (which is twice a year) my mom gives me like a hundred bucks. And she makes me take it because she knows I have a lot of expenses to cover in college and I’m doing it on my own. But goddammit I’m not even using it for that. It’s basically like she’s giving me money to go out and have fun. And you may think well what’s wrong with that. It’s what parents do. They give their kids money to spend. They support their kids. But it’s not like my mom really has any money of her own to give out. And why the frick is she giving it to me? She should be using it on herself. Why is she giving me money to just blow on stuff I don’t need. Goddammit I just bought an ipod for $180. I would never ask my parents for money for that (not to mention that they wouldn’t give it to me either), but when my mom gives me a hundred bucks it’s like she’s throwing it away because that’s what I’m doing.

When I don’t feel ungrateful and guilty I feel angry. This entry is so fracking emo. Fracking. Dammit. That’s Sarmad’s fault. Anyways. Back on track. Angry. Why do I feel angry? Things in my life could be so much worse. But I feel angry that I have to pay my own way through college. I take out my own loans, I pay for all of my school expenses (tuition, room, board, books, etc), my plane tickets home and to school, all my personal expenses, etc. And I realize that this is not unique. My sister did it. There are plenty of other college kids who do it also. And many of them probably have to work much harder than I do. And at least I have the opportunity to go to college right? I’m pretty damn lucky. No, blessed. I’m pretty freaking blessed. God has provided for me well my entire life. But of course I can’t help but look around me and look at my friends, almost all of who don’t have to pay their way through college. And do I envy that? Yeah of course I wish I didn’t have to. But whatever I’ve accepted it and it’s really not a big deal. (Then why am I blogging about it right?) No but really I’m not saying all this for pity or sympathy or admiration or anything of the sort. Even though it’s not a big deal to me anymore and I’ve gotten used to it, I’m still human and sometimes I get angry that I have to do this and most of my friends don’t. But I get over this feeling pretty quickly because I realize everyone is dealt a different hand of cards in their life. And I should just trust God because He knows exactly how all this is going to pan out and I realize I really have no idea what I’m upset about it. I think this was another one of those useless paragraphs.

I had a point to all this. Where was I going? Oh right. I’m a pretty ungrateful daughter. My mom really does a lot for me and I don’t do much in return. I come home to basically eat and sleep at home. But I spend most of my time out of my house hanging out with my friends. I don’t’ think that was my point. I don’t remember my original point.

I’m listening to Oasis now. GREAT band. Actually, that paragraph I said was useless wasn’t useless. There are some things I wish I could do but I can’t. And it usually doesn’t bug me. I’d say 95% of the time I have no problem with it. I have everything I need in my life. But then there’s that 5% when I assume the role of a jealous, spiteful child and look around me and get green, beady eyes. Terrible. I think tonight was one of those nights. But I’m completely over it now. It passes after I realize how blessed I am. And it shames me to think I ever thought otherwise.

It’s now 4:30am and I feel better after blogging. Even though I think this entry was incoherent, random, and inconclusive, I said everything I needed/wanted to. I’m going to bed now.

Holy shiz I haven't blogged in ages. After finals I headed straight to chapter camp with Intervarsity in NY at Lake Champion. I stayed there for a week; it was absolutely amazing and deserves its own blog entry but not now. And after chapter camp I went to Tim's graduation at Amherst which was definitely a good time. And now I'm home. I think this entry was more for my own purposes so I know what to blog about at a later date that's not 2:36am.

Settlers of Catan is a really fun game. So is Set. OMG I LOVE SET. I'm addicted.

I'm also being super unproductive. I have a lot of financial aid and job stuff I need to take care of but it's like the second I leave school, productivity just goes out the window. Someone needs to slap me.

I think I might be going to the Boardwalk today. I miss the beach. I haven't been there in ages.

This entry is pointless. I miss making pointless entries though. It's fun. Allows me to release my inner weird.

I'm reading a good book. It's called Kafka on the Shore. I finished Gilead a couple days ago. I love being on break and reading to my hearts content. I also watch mindless television shows which I don't enjoy but do anyways. I also facebook stalk a lot which I don't like either but seem to do a lot of. I find that this happens often when I'm on break...doing things I don't like but just doing them because I have the time to. It's rather unpleasant. After I kill time like that I feel like taking a shower so I can wash all the gross, mindless behavior I just engaged in. Like maybe taking a shower means I can start clean and be productive. When I wake up in the mornign I tell myself it's a new day and I can get a lot done. And here I find myself at 3am still having a list of important things to take care of. Curses.

Wait this is supposed to be a pointless happy entry.

YAYAYAYAYA I'M ON BREAK. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm beat. G'night.