Speak, friend, and enter

2008-11-24T00:47:00.001-05:00

new blog

http://swuprologue.blogspot.com

2008-02-04T16:01:00.001-05:00

I haven't blogged here in ages. I know, I fail. But I started a travel blog!

http://willemsstraat38.blogspot.com

You can read about my adventures in Belgium (and elsewhere in Europe)

2007-10-13T08:50:00.001-04:00

I have ten hours to write seven pages. Taking away an hour and a half for lunch and dinner, I have 8.5 hours. Shit. How did I get to this point.

2007-10-12T01:28:00.001-04:00

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22556281-661,00.html

Mindblowing

2007-10-11T04:14:00.000-04:00

4am
hungry
desire to go back
back to apartment
but
wait
no
rain
falling
LIKE A FREAKING FLOOD
IF I GO OUTSIDE I WILL DROWN WTF WHERE DID THIS COME FROM

2007-10-10T18:20:00.001-04:00

I emailed my professor clearing up a miscommunication and the first thing he wrote in his response was OMG!

The week passes by really slowly when you're awake for twenty hours every day. Eight hours of sleep passes by quickly; but the time drags when you have to actively participate in four of those hours. LAME.

Sometimes I write such pretentious sounding shit in my essays. I go back and read it, and I think to myself: really? this is what I do with my time? Disgusting.

The conclusion of my last essay:
The interplay between eyes and heart is necessary for preserving beauty. The fallibility of human perception is acknowledged in the sonnet but balanced by an active distortion of beauty for the sake of preservation. The constant going back and forth between eyes and heart, each proving insufficient in some way, confines our experience of beauty, but also reveals that beauty inevitably operates within boundaries and under limits that human perception cannot overcome.

I guess that's not so bad. I've done more disgusting. Reading that now I realized that I started three sentences in a row with "the." Whatevs. But I really love being an English major. Poetry is becoming a little nauseating but that's ok because I'll never take it again while I'm in college. Except Shakespeare. I really really enjoy Shakespeare. There's so much to unpack in it and it gets me really excited!

My postcolonial lit prof can't lead discussions for her life yet still insists on assigning a book a class to read. I need to finish my essay for that class tonight. Will be a long night but nothing I'm not used to and can't do =].

Love hearts peace.

2007-10-09T00:35:00.000-04:00

Shit doing one post a day is hard. I missed Monday by 35 minutes.

The rest of this entry will be positive.

I positively despise transcribing.

I also positively do not like having three essays, one test, and two news articles in a one week span.

Let's throw a little bit of positivity for the future in the post.

I will positively hate having to do three loads of laundry tomorrow.

End.

2007-10-07T23:12:00.001-04:00

For the sake of having a post today...these were my girls from the first session:

Eubin (from Korea). This girl was so absentminded. And she got away with so much because she would just smile at you and run away laughing.

Michelle (from NY) and Jane (from Conn)

Danielle (from Hawaii) and Alyssa (from Conn). Danielle was sweet but a bit of diva. She used to be in showbiz, doing commercials and other advertising so she really know how to talk to people and could be a little manipulative. Alyssa was a pain in the butt. So annoying.

Danielle and Athena (from Mass)

Jane, Celine (from Korea), and Brooke (from Nevada)

End. Time for work.

2007-10-06T22:19:00.000-04:00

The girls on the floor above us are running around in high heels. They've been doing this for about an hour. It's so loud. It sounds like stampeding elephants. Why would you run around in high heels. You can run faster if you take them off. They also can't be that comfortable.

My essay is destroying me. I think I'm talking in circles.

Take off your fucking heels. It's incredibly annoying and distracting.

stress stress stress.

2007-10-06T00:38:00.000-04:00

I failed!!!!!!! I was supposed to have a blog entry every day this month. But i's now 12:41 am. i missed friday by 41 minutes. And there's a freaking fly flying around my head. It's buzzing. Make it stop. This entry sucks. I'm so upset I messed up my four day streak. Laaaaame. I have the hiccups. Omgggggggg they won't stop.

Hint of lime chips are delicious.

2007-10-04T22:34:00.000-04:00

I think my Explo blogging will have to be done in several stages.

These are my girls from Session 2. Naomi and I had the cutest hall hands down.

I feel like throwing away all my responsibilities. I want to be around kids. Not that being with kids doesn't involve responsibilities; it definitely does. But it was so much fun. You can't look at these pictures and not smile.

Susie (from Italy) and Delaney (from D.C.)

Matylda (from Poland), Shanlyn (from Mass), and Fernie (from Mexico)

Emily (from Mass) and Kanon (from Japan)

Now let's all say "Awwwww."

2007-10-03T20:26:00.000-04:00

I need a resume! I don't have one. I'm starting to realize the urgency of this matter because there are internships I want to apply for that have deadlines of November 2nd. Resume...I feel so grownup. Well, no, actually. If I was grownup I would already have a resume. Instead I'm the irresponsible teenager frantically trying to compose one.

What if I have nothing worthwhile to put on there. How sad for me. I also don't have anything worthwhile to say in this blog. That could also be conceived as sad. I think I'm just blogging now so that I have an entry every day of this month.

Ariane was telling me last night that she wants to make a documentary of our family because we don't know anything about our history. I was about to contest that until she started telling me all this stuff (like how tai gong was born in the U.S. WTHECK.)that made me realize shit I don't know anything about our family history. I blame my dad; he never talks. I know enough about my mom's side because she communicates with her children.

Fall break in 8 days!!! It can't come soon enough.

2007-10-02T17:06:00.000-04:00

On Tuesdays my brain checks out at 11:30am. Why? Because I have Junior Sem from 10:00-11:30 and this class is so taxing. It drains my brain power. Our discussions really dig deeply into the text and they involve so much thought. There's just so much to process. Someone makes a point, I think about it and before I get done working through that part of the text another issue is brought up. And there are about a million things flying at me at once and I can't wrap my head around all of them. I know what I sound like now - I'm coming off as a lazy, unmotivated bum complaining because oh no God forbid he/she has to THINK in school. My point is that by the end of the hour and a half my brain has exhausted all its fuel but unfortunately I still have two more classes. Tuesdays are the suck.

I also have IV leadership meetings on Tuesday nights. Those are always very fruitful but draining also. Draining in a different way than Junior Sem is, but it still saps me of energy.

Highlight of my day: In Chinese class my professor was explaining to the class what a "yang rou quar" was. Which is basically a Chinese kabob. To explain it she said "the bamboo penetrates the meat," and with her hands motioned the action of sticking a bamboo skewer through meat by sticking her right index finger in and out of a ring she made with her left fingers. Yeah, we laughed it up.

I'm obsessed with drawing lucky charms all over my notes.

2007-10-01T15:29:00.000-04:00

There was a huge discussion at my school when we decided to withdraw our school stats from all sorts of publications. Basically Haverford wants students to be able to find out for themselves what the school is about. By giving out specific stats, potential students are receiving a biased view of the school. Any information can be found on our website and students can inquire about anything they want, but we won't be personally making that information public in US News or any of our admission handbooks. This happened over the summer, but being all tied up in my Explo world, I didn't find out about it until school started.

One of the arguments criticizing our school for this had to do with us not being a very well known school, and being ranked helps us get our name out. The other argument is that we won't get as much money because we won't be nationally ranked. Getting money is always one of our biggest concerns because we have a terrible endowment. It makes us want to cry. And a lot of people thought we would lose a lot of applicants because other liberal arts schools in the top ten hadn't signed on to this initiative so they would still be ranked and we would be shafted. We already lose applicants to Amherst, Swat, and other schools ranked higher than us, so this initiative would only increase that gap. But that isn't really a valid argument now since almost all of the top ten liberal arts schools have signed on so we're not really losing out.

So what do I make of this? I never liked rankings anyways. I always thought they were a load of crap and a school should be judged by more than those limited criteria. I didn't even know what Haverford was ranked before I came here. So I think it's splendid. And I think most of the student body thinks it's great too. The argument a lot of people had was that we don't want people coming here just cuz of our rank. We want them to come because they like Haverford and they think it fits them. I think my school feels really strongly about not quantifying achievements and the quality of our education.

Which leads me to my next topic. Last night we had Plenary (where we pass resolutions to our constituion and other things). One of the resolutions proposed was getting rid of the honors recognitions on the booklet at Commencement. All the honors, high honors, phi beta kappa, summa cum laude, etc. stuff. The reasoning behind this was that printing academic achievements goes against the Haverford ethos of being self motivated and non competitive. There was a huge debate about this, and the resolution only passed by 53%.

I just couldn't buy into the pro side of this debate. Graduation is one day. And not only that, but it's the ONLY time that academic achievements are honored. Plus the people who are awarded those honors deserve it. Now the other side said that hard work isn't always measured by your GPA so it's not fair to give some people recognition and not others. Well, life's not fair and you won't be awarded for all of the good things you do and all the hard work you put into things. But this is just one way for academics to be honored. And getting back to what I said before about us not wanting to quantify achievements; people at this school have a huge problem with being smart. Everyone's so concerned about being modest and not flaunting their achievements that I think people are afraid to be smart. Not saying that we suppress knowledge and growth but that we're so concerned with not being competitive and maintaining grade confidentiality that academics is just not honored.

This resolution would also keep athletic achievements on the commencement booklet. So basically it's ok to have an athlete vs. non-athlete divide, but it's not ok to single out people who have pursued academic excellence. What? No, that's lame. What about excellence in the arts? If they're going to pass this resolution at least take out athlete recognition also. Every week the athlete of the week is published in the school newspaper but there's no academic of the week. So really graduation is the only time that academic excellence is honored. Part of Haverford's mission statement is academic excellence. And at graduation you're celebrating making it through four years of college, which you don't do with amazing athletics...you need a high enough GPA to graduate. Graduation celebrates academics. So really it should be athletic achievements that are taken out.

A lot of people were saying that by printing the names of those who got honors, then that establishes a spirit of competition at Haverford. But the way I see it, the fact that we're so concerned about not being competitive only means that we'll try our hardest to NOT be competitive and prove that commencement recognition of honors DOESN'T effect our school. So there's kind of a paradox there. Publishing the honors will only encourage us to not fall into the expected paradigm of competition.

And shit it's graduation. You're happy to be graduating. Who's going to be jealous of the person sitting next to them for working their ass off and getting the highest honors. It's your class and you'll be happy for everyone. Ok anyways this topic is probably extremely dull for everyone since it only concerns me and my school, but I felt really strongly about this and was mad when the resolution passed. Luckily though it doesn't officially change the commencement procedures; it only means it'll be presented to the commencement committee as our point of view. And since it barely passed I don't think it'll do anything.

Ok I'm getting sick of talking about my school.

I mailed in my study abroad application about a week ago. I stuck on 27 stamps. I'm so excited for Belgium. It'll be sweet. It won't be Haverford and that's the best part. I love my school but I'm ready for a break. I want to be something else besides a hardworking college student. I want to be a goof up. I probably won't do an excellent job of that though...I tend to feel too badly about not working or trying hard. It's ok; I'll make myself get over it once I'm in Europe.

I'm looking at the list of things I said I would talk about. And I'm trying to briefly touch on all of them. It's a long list. How did I get it in my head that I had to talk about all these things.

Oh yes, reading is my life. Seriously. That's all I do. I read. And write. Before all I would read about was all the sexual images in shakespeare. Anything open is a vagina. Anything sticklike is a penis. And anything that goes into something else is penetration. PHALLIC IMAGES EVERYWHERE YOU CAN'T ESCAPE IT. Homosocial/homoerotic triangle. Everyone's perverted. But I think we're starting to move away from that.

That's all I have time for. I have to go read (big surprise).

Peace love hearts and candy corn.

2007-09-26T20:09:00.000-04:00

I really dislike unresponsive people. People who don't have reactions to things. It's those people who make conversations fall flat. I've only met a few unresponsive people. They're definitely nice enough but conversations with them just plain suck. Thankfully I don't have any friends like that. But on occasion, I'll tell someone something and they won't respond to it. It's these times that I want to slap a reaction into them. I don't think I ask for much. I don't need the reaction to be positive. It can be as simple as "That was a terrible story. I don't know what to say." Or, "you're full of shit; never talk again." I'm not asking for anything dramatically over the top. I just want you to acknowledge what I said because what we are having is called a conversation and generally giving the other person a response helps the conversation move forward.

In other news. Today I went on Facebook to Superpoke Michelle. As part of our DC+2 tradition, I wanted to spank her. So I did. But I also inadvertently spanked 10 completely random people. I really don't know how it happened. But when the page refreshed it said I had spanked the following people, more than half of whom I haven't talked to in a few years or are only acquaintances with. Yeah I know it's not real but that's weird and sketchy on my part. People are going to think I'm all perverted and horny. I hate Facebook applications.

I think I should comment on my last entry. Maybe a little later. I'm pulling an all nighter tonight so I can blog about that at some point in the early morning.

Junior Sem is devouring me. It's eating away at my soul.

2007-09-25T00:04:00.001-04:00

Interesting. No time for thoughts now. I have to read about 300-400 pages (depending on how many pages I'm ok with being behind) and write three journal entries. But thoughts to come later. Hopefully.

Haverford Affirms Independent Assessment in College Evaluation and Decisionmaking

I, and the other undersigned presidents, agree that prospective students benefit from having as complete information as possible in making their college choices.

At the same time, we are concerned about the inevitable biases in any single ranking formula, about the admissions frenzy, and the way in which rankings can contribute to that frenzy and to a false sense that educational success or fit can be ranked in a single numerical list.

Since college and ranking agencies should maintain a degree of distance to ensure objectivity, from now on data we make available to college guides will be made public via our Web sites rather than be distributed exclusively to a single entity. Doing so is true to our educational mission and will allow interested parties to use this information for their own benefit. If, for example, class size is their focus, they will have that information. If it is the graduation rate, that will be easy to find. We welcome suggestions for other information we might also provide publicly.

We commit not to mention U.S. News or similar rankings in any of our new publications, since such lists mislead the public into thinking that the complexities of American higher education can be reduced to one number.

Finally, we encourage all colleges and universities to participate in an effort to determine how information about our schools might be improved. As for rankings, we recognize that no degree of protest may make them soon disappear, and hope, therefore, that further discussion will help shape them in ways that will press us to move in ever more socially and educationally useful directions.

Stephen G. Emerson
President

Anthony Marx, Amherst
Elaine Hansen, Bates
Barry Mills, Bowdoin
Nancy Vickers, Bryn Mawr
Robert Oden, Carleton
William D. Adams, Colby
Rebecca Chopp, Colgate
Russell Osgood, Grinnell
Joan Hinde Stewart, Hamilton
Ronald D. Liebowitz, Middlebury
David Oxtoby, Pomona
Alfred Bloom, Swarthmore
James Jones, Trinity
Catharine Hill, Vassar
Kenneth Ruscio, Washington and Lee
Kim Bottomly, Wellesley
Michael S. Roth, Wesleyan
Morton Schapiro, Williams

2007-09-24T03:04:00.001-04:00

This really isn't a proper update. It's more like a reminder to myself of things I need to blog about:

1. my summer
2. my stolen computer
3. highs and lows
4. how reading has become my life (including but not limited to Shakespeare and SEX)
5. church and IV stuff
6. study abroad
7. junior year
8. my awesome apartment
9. becoming obsessed with driving stick
10. all of my inner turmoil eating away at my soul

Almost everyday I have something I want to blog about, but I can never do it because I haven't blogged about things that happened before the thing that I just thought of. And of course I can't ignore the things that have passed. So I just end up not blogging. And i always tell myself that I'll catch up over the weekend. But that never happens because weekends are just as busy as weekdays.

Oh look it's 3:17am. It looks like I'm getting back to my "normal" sleep schedule. Joy.

2007-06-26T10:35:00.000-04:00

OH EFF. I went over my cell minutes by 100 minutes. Goddammit. This is the second time this has happened in the last three months.

Shit.

At $0.45 a minute, that's $45.

Fuck.

I quit.

2007-06-26T10:08:00.001-04:00

hahahahahahahahahaha I'm not allowed to access facebook at St.Mark's.

So I'm at work now at the St.Mark's school in Southborough, Ma. I'm on their wireless network and when I tried going to facebook.com I got a page saying that this webpage had been blocked. I guess no facebook for seven weeks...? Eh I'm sure I'll find a way to get on.

I left my house yesterday morning at 5:30am and got to St.Mark's at 10:00pm. It was a long long long long long long day. Everything went smoothly...the plane ride, the shuttle, the two subway trains, and the commuter rail...until I got off at the Southborough station and realized that I was in the middle of nowhere. I thought I could call a cab from the station but there is no station office and even if there had been it wouldn't be open at 9:30pm. So I walked into a convenience store and asked for the number of a cab company. I call a number and the guy who answers the phone screams out "WHAT!" Me: Uhhhhh, is this a cab company? Guy: Oh yeah sorry I thought you were someone else. Weird. Then he proceeds to tell me that I should have called them while I was on the train because I'm in the middle of nowhere and it'll take them fifteen minutes to come to me. He doesn't really tell me this so much as lectures me about it for three minutes. This whole exchange seemed hella sketchy to me so I call Patrick and he keeps me company on the phone while I freak out about how this could be something out of a scary movie. I'm really good at reassuring myself by imagining fun scenarios like that.

Anyways, the cab pulls up fifteen minutes later in a non-cab car because they function as both a cab company and livery service? I have no idea. I still felt hella sketched out but I got to school in one piece so it's all good. "Hella sketched out." Dang what a phrase. Where do I people come up with stuff like that? It's genius.

My three weeks at home were fun and relaxing. I ate, slept, and went out with people. 'Twas quite fun. The last week passed in a blur...I was so caught up in trying to see everyone before I left for work that tt didn't actually hit me that I was leaving until last night at St.Mark's when I was about to go to bed. I just felt an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I think I always get like that my first night in a new place. Plus I was tired from traveling all day and just felt like curling up in a hug. It was a moment of weakness but luckily it passed because I just slept it off and no damage has been done to my rock solid reputation. Celebrate!

I hate East Coast summers. If humidity were a person I would kill it by sticking a sword into its gut and wrenching out its insides.

Cheers!

2007-06-15T16:55:00.000-04:00

Glass Kat with Miss Paula Jean, two of her church friends she hasn't seen in two years, and one other random guy.
Air con.
Sparkling apple juice.
Cock blocking.
Swimming in sweat. Dripping it everywhere.
Hyphy music.
Helllllllllaaaaa people.
OH SHIEEEEEET.
Calm the fuck down.
Three awkward asian guys.
Go hard. (Or according to JP, "Get hard.")
Walk it out.
Hey bae-bae!
Girlfriend for the night.
Can I get in the middle? Wtf. no.
Getting picked up.
Omg. I can see her underwear.

I've never sweated so much in my entire life. It was just a constant state of being wet. And I did not mean that in a dirty way. So many people. So much energy. So much fun.

It took us two years to go clubbing. Spontaneous fun is the best fun. I forgot all the crazy times we have dancing. Best date ever. Much love to my favorite girlfriend.

2007-06-14T07:33:00.000-04:00

Note: The first third of this entry I wrote a week ago. The middle third I wrote about four days ago. And the last third I’m writing now.

I'm ready to blog. I've noticed that my blogging parallels my work in school. The more work I have the more I blog to procrastinate. Now when I'm super free and all I do is read, facebook stalk, sleep, and eat, I don't blog at all. But I want to reflect on the end of the school year, mainly chapter camp.

The week leading up to camp was busy, hectic, and stressful. I took finals up till the last minute on Friday morning, spent the afternoon being ridiculously happy, and then packed like a fiend at night and the next morning. After putting all my crap into storage (I HATE MOVING) I left for Lake Champion with the other IV kids that afternoon.

I wasn't really expecting much going in to chapter camp. Plus I didn't know what to expect. Greg had said when he went last year it totally turned his faith around but I didn't want to set my own expectations and then feel let down. So I went into chapter camp completely open to whatever God was going to do that week. And ltos of things he did indeed. I can't actually pinpoint anything and say "this. this is how God has changed me." But just that week was so amazing. I remember wishing so many times that life was just one big chapter camp and that everyone was like the people there. It was a week of constant prayer, worship, and fellowship. Everything we did involved prayer and having been kind of MIA from prayer because of school, I loved it. Sometimes when school gets busy and I'm stressed, prayer and qts can feel like a burden. But at camp praying with people all the time and taking time alone to pray was the best thing for me.

Prayer can be a funny thing. It takes time to do, so when I'm busy it's one of the first things that gets shafted. It doesn't have a deadline, it doesn't get graded, people aren't relying on me for it, so when schoolwork is at my heels I neglect prayer. But I know that by neglecting it I'm taking myself further away from what's important and losing focus and probably causing myself more stress. But I like to think that I'm maximizing my time. And even while I'm thinking that I know it's completely false but I do it anyways because it's an easy way out.

But back to chapter camp. It was common to see people in the hallway, in their rooms, out on the grass, or on the beach just reading their bible or praying. And people didn't give them a second glance. I loved that. I was talking to Omari about this and how we both wanted to stay at camp forever or bring camp back to our campuses. Well that last part was what our track, Leading Witness, was about. Bringing what we learned, what we did, how we felt at camp...bringing it back to our campuses.

One of the things I loved about chapter camp was how low key everything was. It was such a fruitful week for me and I know I wasn't getting caught up in the sensationalism of fiery speakers, loud worship music, lighting effects and what not because there wasn't any of that. Worship was simple; there were about 7-10 songs that we recycled for each worship session. And actually the best worship I've ever had in my entire life took place the last night of camp around the bonfire. Some people were playing games, some were talking, and there was a group of five or six of us singing worship songs while Alan played the guitar. It was beautiful. Just being outside under the stars (which you could actually see. so gorgeous) with only Alan's guitar and our voices.

And we didn't invite outside speakers; all of our talks were given by IV staff workers. And they weren't particularly inspirational. They were straightforward and often gave information that we either already knew or could've figured out. But we needed to hear it because I think many times we're confronted with situations where we can't answer the most basic and simple questions. And that's understandably so because we haven't addressed them ourselves. We've accepted them and then moved on but have never really reflected back on that. I think our track worked really hard to teach us how to become good leaders for our fellowships and small groups on campus. And not just that but how to be examples of the work Christ has done in us.

Chapter camp got me super jazzed for leadership next year. Our IV is small. Really tiny small. And we so desperately want to reach out to more people and grow. But we all have high hopes for next year and we’re praying hard for our small fellowship and the campus.

So everything up until this paragraph I wrote about a week ago. But I didn’t publish it because I didn’t like it and I planned on going back and revising it. It’s 3am right now, and I can’t sleep because I have a lot of stuff on my mind. I also don’t want to reread and rewrite what I wrote so I’m just going to tack on a bunch more stuff to make up for the sucky paragraphs before this.

Whenever I have a good, long conversation with my mom I come out of it feeling pretty depressed. I feel like my mom has become cynical and pessimistic about things. “things” is a pretty vague term. I guess I could replace it with life, the future, but that wouldn’t be completely true. Certain parts of life and certain aspects of the future is more like it. But then you could say that describes almost anyone. We all have things we’re pessimistic and cynical about. But I definitely think my mom has those attributes much more than most people. You could also argue that most people I know are people under 30 so naturally they have a more ambitious and optimistic view of life. In which case my claim that my mom is more pessimistic and cynical than most people doesn’t really hold weight since I’m not making a comparable comparison. Haha comparable comparison. Yes I find that funny. But even so my mom has become more cynical over the years; I guess nicely fulfilling the stereotype you often find in storybooks and movies of old people who have been made into cynics by their life experiences and who shun away the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed youngsters with….

Ok I need to stop with the analogies and the deconstructing of my own thoughts. A lot of times when I blog I feel like I need to cover all my bases, find all the holes in my thoughts, backup everything I say, touch upon all the counterarguments, etc. etc. Which is probably why some of my blog posts end up being miles long. Ha.

So cutting to the chase. I had a nice, er maybe nice isn’t the word…but I had a conversation with my mom about dun dun dun FAMILY! Yay family problems. How I love to attach myself to thee and revisit thee under the moonlight and whisper sweet nothings in your ear then chop you up with a machete because I hate you and you’re so frustrating.

I don’t want to go into my family problems because that’s personal and this blog is public. Why is this blog public. Oh right, that would be my bad. The entire conversation with my mom, my mind was on God. Serious. Not so much God I love you Jesus you’re my Savior Hallelujah type thoughts. But more along the lines of how can I work God into this conversation. How can I glorify God in this conversation. How can I show that He is the answer and the reason to everything we’re talking about in a way that she can understand. How do I let my words and my actions speak “Jesus.” How do I let His work in me, how do I let the Word be manifested right now? All this goes back to the conversation I had with Tony during chapter camp. Oh I sense a tangent coming up.

Tangent tangent tangent tangent tangent tangent tangent tangent tangent

So Tony and I had a pretty intense conversation during one of the free times at chapter camp.

Everything I just wrote about my mom I wrote four days ago. I also didn’t publish it because I obviously didn’t finish. I wasn’t in the mood. Now that it’s 3:05am I feel like blogging some more. I really like blogging. It gives me a chance to write out my thoughts and get things off my chest without having to talk to an actual person. A lot of times I can’t articulate my thoughts and I just need to write it out. And it’s always hard for me to just randomly just talk about stuff with friends. So I sit here listening to Nickelback and blogging at 3am. I have this weird emo-feeling of stuff weighing on me. I have a pretty care-free life. What the hell kind of stuff is weighing on me. And immediately after typing that last sentence I’m struck with the thought that I need to give it all over to God. I should probably be reading my Bible now or praying instead of blogging. I think I’ll do that after I finish this.

So back to the tangent I started four days ago. Tony and I had a conversation about our families. I’m not even sure if I can blog about this because it’s hard for me to summarize everything and have it make sense. Oh well I guess it doesn’t have to make sense and it doesn’t have to be a perfect summary since no one will know the difference. BUT I’LL KNOW. And that’s enough to make me spend an hour making sure I get it just right. OCD a little? Maybe. We can debate that later though.

Anyways so the conversation we had about our families. Basically we just talked about how we have distant relationships with our parents. And the hardest thing to do is to really just love our parents. Really. We both respect our parents and are pretty good kids. We’re not close with our parents but we’re on good terms with them. And we talked about the dynamic of an Asian household. Where the kids can’t really talk back to the parents. What the parents say is the final say. Things aren’t really discussed. Both of our dads are like control freaks. And then Tony told me that when he became a Christian things started to change. And he told me about this one time a few years ago when he just straight up told his dad “Dad. You can’t talk to Mom like that. It’s disrespectful and you should treat her better than that.” And out of our entire conversation that part is the only one I remember clearly. Because everything else he said hinged on that. When Tony told me that my immediate reaction was, “Holy shit. No you didn’t. Did he slap you.” I don’t remember what Tony said his dad’s reaction was but the gist of what we talked about after that was talking to our parents with a real Christian love. And that really got me.

People talk about Christ’s role in the household. But what’s his role if the rest of your family isn’t Christian? I reasoned that Tony was able to talk to his dad like that because both his parents are Catholic and they’re pretty involved in their faith and know what place Tony is coming from. But immediately when I said that Tony was quick to correct me. His family never talked about religion or anything pertaining to their faith. Even when Tony joined IV as a staff worker, it wasn’t talked about. I’m getting sidetracked.

Basically what I got from our conversation was that I really need to work on my relationship with my parents. I explained to Tony how difficult my dad is to talk to and live with. By now I’ve gotten used to and have ignored everything I find annoying. But Tony was right when he said that I’d have to deal with it eventually because it would come back to me. I can’t run away from it forever. And in our track we’re talking about ministering to others and being witnesses. Our track is freaking called leading witness. And everyone says it starts in the home. This is what I told Tony: you don’t know my dad Tony. I can’t bring up God or Jesus. He won’t get it. My parents know I go to church and stuff but they don’t know the importance of my faith to me. It’s something in my life that’s completely intangible to them. Tony’s response? Make it tangible. Show them through my actions, my speech. Change my relationship with them. So this break I’ve been trying to be more loving but my attitude is getting the best of me. Sometimes I have so much attitude it sickens me.

I never thought I needed to work on my relationship with my dad. He’s so impossible to deal with that I just accepted it and I was okay with it. But I realized the first thing I need to change is the idea that he’s impenetrable. One, that’s not true. Two, what does that say about my faith in God and what He can do. And three, does that mean I’ve just given up? And I guess I had. I haven’t completely ridded myself of that feeling. But I’m really making a conscious effort now. A conscious effort to be more compassionate towards my parents and really doing that with a Christ-like love. Anyways I think this was the most important thing I took away from chapter camp.

Ok I think my tangent is over. That was a huge tangent. I forgot what I was originally talking about. Oh right, family problems. Everyone has them. I’m not unique. My point was that I wish my family could turn to God. And I wish He was the glue that kept us together. And I think this is a change from before when I wished my family was Christian just because I thought they should be. But now it’s like I recognize our need for God so much more than before. It’s a desperate, desperate need. And that’s not what I thought before. I’m starting to realize how much I need God in my life and how lost I am without am. I’m not putting myself above anyone but sometimes when I see people struggle with things or not struggle with things I want so badly for them to turn to God because only He can sustain with.

When I hear my mom talk about our family problems, I want her to know God so badly. My heart cries for it. That could be a line in a Dashboard song. But really. I think the word “yearns” perfectly describes what I feel. My heart truly yearns for my family to know God. And not because I think it’ll solve our problems. It won’t. Christians have problems. But because I see such a need for Him in this family. I can’t explain it. But does a need for God really need an explanation? He places the need in our hearts right? I always pray that God will give me a heart that seeks Him and a passion to really know Him. And I think that prayer is being answered in this sort of roundabout way.

I feel like I started talking about my conversation with my mom and I intended to blog about how that made me feel and what I think about all of our family problems. But I ended up in a completely different place talking about chapter camp and God. Heh, everything comes back to Him doesn’t it? Well I do have thoughts about how I feel about our family problems but that’s irrelevant. Plus I don’t feel like retracing my steps.

So all that junk has been on my mind for awhile. So what’s keeping me up tonight. Other family things I guess.

I feel so ungrateful sometimes. I used to be pretty conservative with my money. Mainly because I didn’t have any. And how the hell are you going to spend money if you have none. But I noticed a recent trend in my lifestyle where I just blow my money. And by “blow” I don’t mean on pretty things I don’t need. Although arguably what I do spend my money on I don’t actually need. Eating out with friends, new clothes, an ipod. So it’s not all pointless. I eat out because that’s how I hang out with friends. I bought an ipod because carrying a cd player and a cd case full of cds wasn’t travel efficient. But I used to think about how I was spending my money and restrict myself. But now I don’t even think twice about it. It’s not like I’ve suddenly struck it rich. I just worked more this year so I had more money and I’m just spending it left and right.

The main reason I took this summer teaching job was so I would have money to study abroad in Europe. But at the rate I’m spending this summer that’s not going to happen. I used to be smart about this kind of stuff. Anyways back to my point about being ungrateful. I have a lot of leisure, and I enjoy it by doing fun things, buying nice things, going to nice places. Etc. And my parents who work 10000x harder than I do don’t do anything nice for themselves. And when I say parents I do mean both parents but mainly my mom because my dad is kind of useless and doesn’t work. Anywho, they work way harder than I ever have in my entire life and they don’t do anything fun. They don’t have leisure time, they don’t have friends, they don’t go out that much. It’s all work. And here I am, just blowing my money on anything I want. And yeah I feel bad about that. Granted, it’s my money I’m spending; none of it is theirs. But still I ask myself what right do I have to enjoy all these things when they don’t enjoy anything?

And what gets me the most is that whenever I come home (which is twice a year) my mom gives me like a hundred bucks. And she makes me take it because she knows I have a lot of expenses to cover in college and I’m doing it on my own. But goddammit I’m not even using it for that. It’s basically like she’s giving me money to go out and have fun. And you may think well what’s wrong with that. It’s what parents do. They give their kids money to spend. They support their kids. But it’s not like my mom really has any money of her own to give out. And why the frick is she giving it to me? She should be using it on herself. Why is she giving me money to just blow on stuff I don’t need. Goddammit I just bought an ipod for $180. I would never ask my parents for money for that (not to mention that they wouldn’t give it to me either), but when my mom gives me a hundred bucks it’s like she’s throwing it away because that’s what I’m doing.

When I don’t feel ungrateful and guilty I feel angry. This entry is so fracking emo. Fracking. Dammit. That’s Sarmad’s fault. Anyways. Back on track. Angry. Why do I feel angry? Things in my life could be so much worse. But I feel angry that I have to pay my own way through college. I take out my own loans, I pay for all of my school expenses (tuition, room, board, books, etc), my plane tickets home and to school, all my personal expenses, etc. And I realize that this is not unique. My sister did it. There are plenty of other college kids who do it also. And many of them probably have to work much harder than I do. And at least I have the opportunity to go to college right? I’m pretty damn lucky. No, blessed. I’m pretty freaking blessed. God has provided for me well my entire life. But of course I can’t help but look around me and look at my friends, almost all of who don’t have to pay their way through college. And do I envy that? Yeah of course I wish I didn’t have to. But whatever I’ve accepted it and it’s really not a big deal. (Then why am I blogging about it right?) No but really I’m not saying all this for pity or sympathy or admiration or anything of the sort. Even though it’s not a big deal to me anymore and I’ve gotten used to it, I’m still human and sometimes I get angry that I have to do this and most of my friends don’t. But I get over this feeling pretty quickly because I realize everyone is dealt a different hand of cards in their life. And I should just trust God because He knows exactly how all this is going to pan out and I realize I really have no idea what I’m upset about it. I think this was another one of those useless paragraphs.

I had a point to all this. Where was I going? Oh right. I’m a pretty ungrateful daughter. My mom really does a lot for me and I don’t do much in return. I come home to basically eat and sleep at home. But I spend most of my time out of my house hanging out with my friends. I don’t’ think that was my point. I don’t remember my original point.

I’m listening to Oasis now. GREAT band. Actually, that paragraph I said was useless wasn’t useless. There are some things I wish I could do but I can’t. And it usually doesn’t bug me. I’d say 95% of the time I have no problem with it. I have everything I need in my life. But then there’s that 5% when I assume the role of a jealous, spiteful child and look around me and get green, beady eyes. Terrible. I think tonight was one of those nights. But I’m completely over it now. It passes after I realize how blessed I am. And it shames me to think I ever thought otherwise.

It’s now 4:30am and I feel better after blogging. Even though I think this entry was incoherent, random, and inconclusive, I said everything I needed/wanted to. I’m going to bed now.

2007-06-02T05:32:00.000-04:00

Holy shiz I haven't blogged in ages. After finals I headed straight to chapter camp with Intervarsity in NY at Lake Champion. I stayed there for a week; it was absolutely amazing and deserves its own blog entry but not now. And after chapter camp I went to Tim's graduation at Amherst which was definitely a good time. And now I'm home. I think this entry was more for my own purposes so I know what to blog about at a later date that's not 2:36am.

Settlers of Catan is a really fun game. So is Set. OMG I LOVE SET. I'm addicted.

I'm also being super unproductive. I have a lot of financial aid and job stuff I need to take care of but it's like the second I leave school, productivity just goes out the window. Someone needs to slap me.

I think I might be going to the Boardwalk today. I miss the beach. I haven't been there in ages.

This entry is pointless. I miss making pointless entries though. It's fun. Allows me to release my inner weird.

I'm reading a good book. It's called Kafka on the Shore. I finished Gilead a couple days ago. I love being on break and reading to my hearts content. I also watch mindless television shows which I don't enjoy but do anyways. I also facebook stalk a lot which I don't like either but seem to do a lot of. I find that this happens often when I'm on break...doing things I don't like but just doing them because I have the time to. It's rather unpleasant. After I kill time like that I feel like taking a shower so I can wash all the gross, mindless behavior I just engaged in. Like maybe taking a shower means I can start clean and be productive. When I wake up in the mornign I tell myself it's a new day and I can get a lot done. And here I find myself at 3am still having a list of important things to take care of. Curses.

Wait this is supposed to be a pointless happy entry.

YAYAYAYAYA I'M ON BREAK. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm beat. G'night.

2007-05-15T13:29:00.000-04:00

I'm having a terrible week. I'm constantly stressed out and as much as I tell myself I just need to TRUST, I'm finding it so hard. There's only three days left till it's all over but HOLY SHIT THERE'S ONLY THREE DAYS for me to completely study for and take two exams, finish a chinese project, draw up two daily lesson plans for three weeks of teaching, and design a weekend workshop. Dammit.

2007-05-11T02:39:00.000-04:00

A simple text from a friend turned my night around:

"Hey buddy. Work hard tonight. Remember that it's not by our own strength we do all things, but through Him alone. Call me if you need a joke or anything. Take care. :)"

2:45am. The night is still young. I'm gonna bang out this outline.

2007-05-08T12:06:00.000-04:00

Classes are over. Haverfest is over. Three exams and one 15-pg paper stand between me and summer vacation. Even though I have a week and a half to do all this I already feel overwhelmed.

And my daily lesson plans for my summer job were due yesterday. I haven't done them yet. Ah I'm so angry about this. My curriculum advisor was about two weeks late in getting her corrections to me from the last assignment because she was busy. Which is understandable, but when she didn't stick to the schedule, I got screwed over because now I'm super busy studying for finals and don't have time to do my lesson plans. But I obviously have to do it because I don't have any more time to push it off. School is ending in two weeks, my job starts 5 weeks after that, and the main office needs to approve my lesson plans.

Haverfest weekend was super fun. Too much research to do now; I'll picture update sometime later.

I feel my work ethic in school taking a dive. Ok nvm I'll stop. I was going to start evaulating my performance and criticizing myself. But I changed my mind, and I'm actually going to do something about it now instead of sitting here being reflective and useless.

Finals suck.

So does your mom.

J/k.

Bye guys.

2007-05-02T18:06:00.000-04:00

Grace is the most needed, precious, and beautiful thing I could ever be offered and yet it's so hard for me to accept. I'm glad I was brought to that realization last night. It's one area in which I have a lot of growing to do.

I feel encouraged by this...

Ephesians 2:4-9
But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved – and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

2007-05-01T20:10:00.000-04:00

I'm in so much need of accountability right now. I don't know where my priorities are these days. Everything's out of whack. Not good.

2007-04-30T15:17:00.000-04:00

I made all the lotteries for my classes next semester, which is good news. Then I realized oh shit I'll be taking three English classes. Ahhhh I'm never going to see the light of day.

I spent the last four days at Amherst, and in those three nights I got more sleep than I have in the past week and a half at school. Sad huh? It was a much needed extended weekend. So what did I do the whole time? Chilled. Slept. Ate. Played Beirut. Watched Arrested Development. Yep. I promise it was a lot more fun and exciting than I make it sound. I haven't felt that relaxed in a long long long long long time. It set me up to be in a good mood for this last week of classes. LAST WEEK OF CLASSES?! Yeah seriously. Good thing I loaded up on sleep because I won't get any this week. But it's Haverford, and I'm used to it.

Oh right, I also watched Tim's piano recital which was the main reason I went. Haha almost forgot to mention that...I got so caught up in all the eating and sleeping I did. WHICH WAS AMAZING I TELL YOU. The sleeping and eating that is.

Just kidding, the recital was too.

I knew it would be though. And if it wasn't I would've been pissed because the entire trip to Amherst takes 7-8 hours.

Haha, j/k about being pissed...I'm purposely being a jerk now because I know you're reading this.

I missed alotlotalototta class though. Today was the first day I was in Chinese since Tuesday. I kinda feel like skipping classes tomorrow. OMG WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME. At the rate I'm going I might as well drop out of school.

It's sad being back at school. Work suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

haha ok I'm just bitching now.

The world hates me. I'm going to cry myself to sleep. I'm going to flunk out of school. No one loves me. I'm so alone and depressed. College is suffocating me. It's too hard. I can't handle it. EMO EMO EMO. DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL SAVE ME FROM MY SORROWS.

I think that might've been wrong on a lot of levels. I'm done before someone hurts me. Peace.

2007-04-25T16:31:00.000-04:00

I shopped at VS for the first time today and bought $130 worth of stuff. I feel really good about it too.

I ate three rice cakes. Two were apple cinnamon and one was caramel corn.

I also ate some strawberry yogurt.

I'm currently listening to John Mayer.

I just walked home in the rain. It was a little cold but oddly satisfying.

I skipped Chinese today. SHOCK.

I slept a total of ten hours yesterday: 2 hour nap and 8 eight hours at night. DOUBLE SHOCK.

I can't wait for my weekend to start tomorrow.

Every setence in this entry begins with the word I. And none of it is worth reading.

I I I I I I I I I ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME CENTER OF UNIVERSE

j/k. I kid. I joke. I josh. I tease.

I'm out.

2007-04-24T07:06:00.000-04:00

I just pulled my third all-nighter in one week.

I've been getting a lot of sympathy from people...and a lot of reprimands also. But I think I've come to realize that I actually don't like sleep all that much. If I really valued sleep, I would make time for it. But I obviously forgo it pretty easily, so it's not a high priority for me. And it doesn't stress me out to not get 8 hours.

I don't think I had so much work due today that required me to stay up all night, but if I didn't, I would've only gotten three hours, and I would much rather not sleep at all than sleep three hours. I'll be just as wired (or sleepy) but I'll have gotten way more accomplished. Sleep is unproductive. Think of all you can do without it.

I've been awake for 24 hours and I feel pretty good. A cup of hot coffee, an afternoon power nap, and I'm set =].

Class in an hour! []Deace.

2007-04-20T23:02:00.000-04:00

From Monday morning until now (Friday evening) I've gotten a total of 13 hours of sleep.

And for this upcoming week I predict I'll be getting the same amount if not less.

hahahahahahaha

awwwwwwwwwwwww

This kind of makes me sad in a delirious sort of way.

2007-04-19T20:30:00.000-04:00

Tonight I'm going to pull my second all-nighter this week. It sort of amuses me to think about it.

Sorbet is my absolute all-time favorite dessert:

OMG LOOK WHAT I JUST FOUND:

It's freaking pineapple sorbet INSIDE a pineapple. That's so money.

2007-04-18T17:19:00.000-04:00

Thoughts on VT shootings?

Honestly, when I first heard the news I barely flinched. I thought "how tragic," but at the same time I thought "What else is new. Violence is everywhere." I checked the headlines of the NY Times, skimmed the article, and went back to studying. I saw all the posts on the Go! Boards and the campus emails about holding remembrances and moments of silence but I ignored it. I've had a one-track mind focused on school lately.

But today as I was reading all the articles in the NY Times, my heart just broke. And I'm glad it did. I don't really know how to direct my emotions or thoughts...I'm not sure what I think about the whole thing. I'm not going to turn this into a reflective entry about the event or about my life. I don't have anything very substantial to say. No personal reflections or solutions.

Just that we pray and let our hearts mourn for this tragedy. I think that's important, that we not get caught up in racial, political, or social implications because at the very heart of the matter it's about humanity and what else can we do but pray and struggle and love?

2007-04-17T02:20:00.000-04:00

I want to go here right now:

2007-04-16T19:31:00.000-04:00

Oh em gee. Double you tee eff.

What the fuck.

How come I'm not understanding my taxes. I filled out the paper form of the 1040EZ but why is it that I can't fill it out online. Instead I'm answering all these federal questions pertaining to my taxes, but it's not the actual form. I just want to fill out the effing one page form and move on with my life and study for my BioPsych test and write my Frankenstein essay.

I hate you.

DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH.

Carve out your eyes with a spork and stab you with a Chinese butcher knife.

I just want to be done with you.

School is way more important than taxes.

SHIT SHIT SHIT GODDAMMIT

So the online form says I owe $184 in federal taxes and when I calculate it on the paper form I owe $164? I don't think that's right...

WHY IS MY DAD YELLING AT ME. WHAT THE EFF. He keeps on yelling at me for not doing this earlier. Ok hello I know I should've done it earlier. I realize that. But now that I'm at this point where I have to file it today what effing use does it do for you to yell at me. Abso-freaking-lutely nothing. Let's not dote on what I SHOULD have done in the PAST. Let's focus on fixing my problem now.

I just want to study.

effffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

My roommate says I'm a potty mouth when I get stressed out. I hate to agree with her, but it's true. I've been bitching and cursing at my computer/forms all afternoon.

Ok I feel slightly better now.

2007-04-16T08:21:00.000-04:00

DUDE WHAT THE HELL. IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT.

And it's currently snowing/freezing raining

This Coast sucks.

2007-04-15T11:09:00.000-04:00

I got this email from Nick Leon. He's always sending the most random forwards to me. This message is written by George Carlin, comedian of the 70s and 80s:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, re ad too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancie r hous es, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

George Carlin

Sort of related to that message up there, I was talking to a friend recently about how I need to find a better balance between talking on the phone and doing my homework. When I was expressing my worry that my grades would take a dive because I wasn't spending as much time as I should be studying, my friend pointed out that it's worth it because he hasn't heard me this happy in a long time. And he assured me that I would find that balance eventually because I could never let my schoolwork drop off the face of the earth. I definately wouldn't be able to live with myself. And my roommate says it's good for my mental health. She says I always sound so happy on the phone...which is true. I guess the main thing I sacrifice is sleep, and I never valued sleep that much anyways.

I guess this is 4 out of 5 now.

I was in the middle of taking my Chinese test late last night, and I fell asleep in the freaking middle of it. Not good...

Five more hours of training today.

2007-04-14T10:56:00.000-04:00

Do you know what I love? When you don't want to tell someone something because you don't know what their reaction will be, but then when you finally do tell them, their reaction is the exact opposite of what you imagined. That makes me feel really good.

Know what else I love? Feeling happy

My roommate came home last night completely wasted. I give her water and a garbage can to throw up in. She says she doesn't need to throw up, but just in case I put it next to her. And when she finally does throw up, instead of throwing up in the garbage can, she makes a break for the bathroom. WTF WHY. As she's running to the bathroom she obviously doesn't make it because it's coming up as she's moving, so she throws up over the ENTIRE bathhroom and part of the hallway. It's all over the toilet, the floor, the sink, and the walls. Gross right? I had fun cleaning that up...

I have eight hours of lifeguard training today...

2007-04-13T04:33:00.000-04:00

It's 4:30am. I have an article due in four hours, which I've just now started.

In my defense this had nothing to do with poor planning. I studied Chinese all night, and I was ready to start this article at 1:30 with plans to be finished by 3:30.

But I was pleasantly distracted for two hours. I guess I can't complain too much.

I'm really really really super super hella sleepy now though. Sleep is not an option! Muuuuussssttttttt fiiiinnnniiiisssshhhhhh.

2007-04-12T23:38:00.000-04:00

What was going in my life at this time in 2005?

______________________________________________________________

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

It's 12:50am and I'm supposed to wake up in two hours to leave for L.A.

So why aren't I in bed? My reasoning is that i could sleep for 4-5 hours, wake up at 3am and be all groggy, grouchy, grumpy, and tired OR I could just not sleep tonight and crash in the car. I'm wondering how well that will work out since my Occidental tour is at 10:30am. It should be fine since I'll be getting about 7 hours of sleep. But then again, it's seven hours in a car......not in my nice, warm, comfy bed. Ah, my bed is starting to sound so nice now. I think it's calling to me.

Maybe I'll do some homework.

Brian's keeping me entertained on AIM right now. Thank goodness for friends who are aim whores =D

_______________________________________________________________

The next entry comes a week later after I visited SoCal colleges and Haverford. And then a week after that I decided on Haverford and sent out my rejections to my other colleges. In the weeks leading up to my college visits I was stressing out (big surprise huh?) about which college to pick and venting about how my parents didn't want me to go to Haverford. Funny because now they tell everyone they meet I go to this random, tiny, liberal arts college on the East Coast. Parents always do come around in the end. heh.

That was a nice walk down memory lane. I was originally going to post something from 2004 but the entry was so lame I couldn't bring myself to do it. This one seemed much more substantial.

I was going to end here, but I went back to March 2005 and the first entry made me laugh really hard so I'll share it with you guys:

_________________________________________________________________

Thursday, March 03, 2005

my day sucked. i haven't cried in a long time.

put me in cement.

_________________________________________________________________

HAHAHAHAHA. I don't even remember what happened. And I don't know why I chose cement of all things.

So obviously these entries have nothing to do with what's going on in my life right now. What's going on in my life right now is school, work, and lifeguard training. I don't want to blog about all the details of that so let's just say that I have a lot of it and I'd like to be put in bronze this time instead of cement. I joke. My work is very manageable. I always stress and spaz out before the week starts and then once I'm in the thick of it, it's not as terrible as I imagine. It's only mildly shitty.

Ok. I wasted like twenty minutes. Yay.

2007-04-09T17:37:00.000-04:00

Easter Sunday - April 8, 2007 (photos courtesy of the wonderfully talented Andy Kim)

Performance put on by the kids

Tim Yoon and I

Giving my testimony

Post-testimony

Answering "I do" to Pastor Steve's questions. I don't know what I found so funny to make me smile like that.

Tim getting confirmed

Drumroll please...

Getting baptized!

I'll admit, I wish I got dunked. I think it would've been cool. But this was still pretty baller.

Pastor Steve praying with me

Congratulations hug =]. Yo I got so many hugs that day; it made me extremely happy.

Officially a part of the family of God now =]

Praying over a newborn. Aw.

Easter really did feel like a second birthday. At first when Pastor Martin was talking about having it on Easter, I was indifferent to it. I didn't think it made the day any more or less significant. But dang that day was just so much more special because it was on Easter. Rebirth, resurrection...it was all so perfect, and all done according to His will.

My testimony went well; I was feeling kinda nervous about it while Tim was giving his and I sat waiting for my turn. But once I started talking, it felt so good to share my story. I did alright, but God, God did great. It didn't feel like me talking up there. The words weren't coming from my mouth but from my heart where God put them. God is alawys great, but yesterday His glory truly was all around and I could feel it weighing on me like I had never felt before.

I was so happy yesterday. Happy to officially proclaim my faith. Happy to be inducted to God's family. Happy to see so many of my friends AND my sister there. Happy that Tim drove for freaking ever from Amherst to come see me get baptized. Happy to receive so many hugs and blessings. Happy to get flowers, a Bible, and C.S. Lewis books. Happy to feel so much love and support from the church. And I felt such JOY to honor God. Joy to start a renewed life in Christ. Joy from being washed over with God's love. Joy in Christ's death and resurrection. Joy in salvation and redemption. Damn guys I could go on forever but I'll stop.

I've been on this constant high since Sunday. I feel so right with God. I remembering wondering what this baptism was going to do. What would change? My lifestyle? How would I feel? What if I failed to meet expectations after this? Then what? Was it all in vain? I was so worried about what this baptism was going to accomplish and what would be expected of me afterwards. But I didn't have to worry at all. God made everything so beautiful and perfect just like the faithful God He is. Rui Qi was telling me a few days before my baptism that I should just let go of my worries because any change I was concerned about, God would make happen, and He would take care of it. And hey guess what, He did.

I love where I am right now with God. That's not to say that I don't want more. Now that I've readhed this milestone, I can't wait for more. It only gets better. And I know that I won't always feel like I do now. There'll be times when I'm frustrated, distant, tired, etc. But I know that through all that I can always come back because He calls me and He welcomes me no matter where I may stray. And I know that there'll be dry periods. But I also know that what I felt yesterday and how I feel now is so real and that will keep me persevering.

This is a random note to end on, but I want to share it because it amused me. During fellowship time yesterday, David (our worship leader), asked me if I was an English major. I told him yes and he said in response, "Yeah I could tell. That was the most gramatically correct testimony I've heard." I asked him if he was being serious and he completely was. HAHA. Well I guess I'm glad he thought so.

What a great weekend =]

2007-04-08T10:37:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter everyone!

I'm getting baptized today guys! Today I officially enter the family of Christ. Praise the Lord!

Yesterday when Tim Yoon (someone else at my church getting confirmed today) and I met with our pastors yesterday, I was fully hit with the magnitude of the significance of this baptism. And it is so amazing and beautiful.

Details about the baptism later...

2007-04-05T00:40:00.000-04:00

I feel kind of stressed out. So I went looking for funny pictures and instead found this cool one:

I'm totally weaksauce. I was feeling so energetic all day. I was awake, attentive, and alert. And feeling pretty good about all that considering I got fours of sleep last night. But I can barely stay awake now =[

hahahahahaaha I actually laughed out loud at this one:

Ok enough of this. Time for homework.

2007-04-03T22:41:00.000-04:00

I'm all freaking smiles right now. It's 11pm and I haven't started any of my homework; I have over 100 pages of reading, I have to revise my summer curriculum for both my classes, I have 70 or so Chinese characters to memorize, I have research up my butt, I have a testimony to write, I have two news articles to write...but I feel great because guess what? I'm getting baptized THIS EASTER SUNDAY! Yeah, on freaking Easter! And for the FIRST time since making the decision to get baptized I feel uncontrollably happy and excited. All I've felt so far is apprehension and nervousness. But tonight I met with Pastor Martin for the second to last time (we finished going over John Stott's book, Christian Basics), and I came out of our meeting feeling confident and ready. This is the first time I've felt that this baptism is the right thing to do and the right time to do it. I'm sure of it. I can't even describe to you how happy I feel. All I could see before was this daunting task of writing my testimony and the even scarier fact that I had to put on an impressive performance in front of my church. But now I can't wait to write my testimony and profess it before my congregation and friends, and I'm sad that I have to restrict all my feelings and experiences to a five minute speech (which translates to two pages double spaced). And I'm just realizing that it's not a performance for the church. It's a time for me to proclaim the change that God has already made in me and to willingly, boldly, and happily declare that for His glory. You know I normally don't blog about this and get "preachy," but that's always been because although sometimes I want to share I'm not completely confident in my thoughts. But what I feel right now is literally uncontainable, so here I am =]

You guys I seriously feel so great right now. It's not just happiness. It's joy. And yes there's a difference. Happy is what I get when I get an A on an essay. The joy I'm feeling now comes from God's love. I mean plain and simple that's what it is. I suppose I could've stated that more eloquently but that basically sums up how I feel now. My baptism is a chance for me to honor God because I love Him. And all this is possible because He has called me to Him. I didn't have to come crawling on my knees; I'm called and I finally feel delighted to answer. I feel secure in my faith in Christ right now. And I know that this doesn't mean I'll always feel completely assured; I know that there will be times when I stumble, fall, turn away, crash, burn, melt, etc. But now I feel that I can rest assured in knowing that the bond is unbreakable. And I've always KNOWN that to be true. But knowing something is so different than feeling it. And I feel it so strongly now. Dude, wtheck is going on!

I'm not trying to be sensational. I can barely comprehend what I'm writing. I'm not completely thinking this through, I don't know who's going to read this, frankly I don't care who reads this. Some of my readers might not understand everything I'm saying. Some might completley get what I'm saying. Whatevs, either way it doesn't make a difference to me. I'm not being obnoxious or anything. I don't even know what I'm defending. This entry is purely for me to get my thoughts out.

I've had this constant concern that after baptism then my life will have to manifest an obvious change. That I'll have to make a conscious and viable effort to change my lifestyle. And I didn't like that idea of obligation. I shouldn't need a baptism to make me want to live differently. Plus, I felt like I was missing the entire point of baptism by saying it was to procure a lifestyle change. But change and growth is continuous! If I get baptized now or in two months the change that would've happened in those two months would be the same regardless. God will see me in the same way after baptism. That won't change. Maybe all I'll get from this is a greater apreciation of Christ and His sacrifice. Or maybe God will use this occassion as a catalyst for greater change. Who knows? I don't. Whichever it is, is fine with me. Before, I felt that it had to be the latter because otherwise what was the point? But it doesn't need to be! The point is that I don't make the change; God makes it. Thank goodness something like this is not in my hands.

I feel so incoherent now. I have so many thoughts filling my brain. I'm not trying to imbue with meaning something that doesn't have any. That is the one thing I'm always afraid of doing...partly why I don't often blog about faith-related occassions and concerns in my life. But this is one thing I'm so sure of that it can't not be true.

Ok I think I've exhausted all my thoughts. I'm totally not getting sleep tonight. Wait, one more.

This past Friday, I went to Swat with IV to hear a talk given by this hippie looking dude. I don't want to explain everything about who he was or what he talked about but at the very heart of his talk was God's love. And I know that can be an overtalked about topic that people often get tired of. I for one have become frustrated with it because it's something I could never fully grasp in feeling. I always knew it to be true, but it's like I couldn't wrap my heart around it. I'm not saying I completely understand it now. But oh man so much more than before, so much more. So back to what I was saying. The thing that struck me the most about his talk was he said that the world is looking for Christian extremists marked by love and grace. Wowowowowowowowow. That seriously hit home for me. I'm sure I've heard that before but maybe this was just the right time for me to hear it because that like floored me. C.S. Lewis talks about how we are afraid to be extreme Christians. There is a bad stereotype surrounding extreme Christians. The Christian right. Pro-Life extremists. People who carry "God hates fags" signs. There is a bad connotation surrounding the ided of an extreme Christian and people don't want to be labeled as a very religious person for fear of being attached with those negative stereotypes. But as Christians we have to change that. And that's what this guy was communicating. The world is desperate of extreme Christians of Love and Grace. And I haven't completely figured out how this works into my whole baptism journey type thing, but it totally fits into the picture and into my understanding of getting baptized. Like it all clicks. I'll need to sit down later and think about the whole picture when I'm writing my testimony. Anyways, "Christian extremists marked by love and grace," what a powerful statement.

So God's love is the reason for my JOY tonight. And the reason for my HAPPINESS is now is the phone conversation I just had.

Guys I feel great. I really do.

School is kind of kicking my ass though. The semester is winding down and I'm realizing OH SHIT I NEED TO GET ON THIS. I have to finish all the reading and research for my fifteen page paper by April 17th, and I haven't even started. I don't even have all my sources! Man, Steph, you're slacking! Slacking man! Oh and I'm retarded because I chose April 17th to give my presentation about my paper topic which means I basically chose that date to finish all my research by when I could've chosen a date that was a week or even two weeks later. I figured by setting the date sooner it'd force me to do my research. Little did I know that that week I have a Biopsych test and an English essay due. I think I might go to my professor and beg for mercy. Ask him if I can switch dates or something. He's so hott.

Chinese is owning me. I need to practice more.

BioPsych is kind of going over my head too. I leave every class feeling overwhelmed with information and kind of frazzled. I just can't keep up fast enough in class. And it's not good that I'm not going through the material after each class because now it's just all piling up.

And I have this freaking HUGE project coming up in Biopsych. Like massive. I don't want to go into details. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

Oh and journalism newspaper stuff is totally consuming my extracurricular life. As usual I'm writing for the college newspaper but I also just got this semi-internship with the local newspaper. And I have my first article due next week! Yikes!

Lifeguarding is going to take over my life starting next Friday also.

Ok so that's what I have on my plate in a nutshell. Not that anyone out there needs to know because everyone has their own crap to deal with. I don't blog about this to elicit sympathy. I kind of wanted to type it out so I could see it in perspective and get my head in order.

Alright time to get cracking. And now it's 11:30pm. Damn, I gotta start doing my homework earlier.

HEARTS, STARS, AND HORSESHOES, CLOVERS, AND BLUE MOONS! POTS OF GOLD AND RAINBOWS, AND A RED A BALLOON!

2007-04-02T15:34:00.000-04:00

Foam soap makes me smile =]

My school recently changed all of the soap dispensers to AUTOMATIC FOAM SOAP. It makes me happy to wash my hands.

2007-03-30T15:49:00.000-04:00

I feel like needles are jabbing my throat. Being sick is the suck.

On the bright side, I'm going to watch TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES tonight =]. If you step back and look at the name, it makes you wonder where the idea came from. I mean, they're mutant turtles that are teenagers and ninjas. Completely random no?

I think yesterday was the first time I've ever had a plum. How did I go 19 years w/o eating a plum?

I need to start finding more substantial things to blog about.

2007-03-28T00:04:00.000-04:00

Is this freaking gorgeous or what.

I dunno what's wrong with me. I have about zero motivation to do work. It's 12am, and I haven't started any of my homework. And I don't feel any pressing need to do so either. But I definitely have two classes tomorrow, classes that have homework/readings due. I really feel no sense of urgency right now. Uhm, problem much?

I swam 50 laps today. It felt pretty dang good. I guess I'll do okay in that lifeguarding class after all =].

I'm going to be be an old fart right now and talk about the weather because it was freaking gorgeous today. 75 degree skirt weather. I did a lot of sitting around and soaking in the sun. I dunno how you kids in Socal ever do your work.

FOCUS STEPHANIE FOCUS!

Oh before I focus, I should mention that I have like six apples sitting on my desk. I wish they were pineapples instead. hhahahaah how crazy would that be, if I had SIX FREAKING PINEAPPLES sitting on my desk. My room would smell so good.

What am I doing. This entry sucks.

2007-03-26T23:19:00.000-04:00

Omg stab my eye with a spork I just paid $340 for a roundtrip plane ticket home in May.

2007-03-25T23:16:00.000-04:00

I'm beat. I want to jump into bed right now, but I made the stupid decision of putting in my laundry twenty minutes ago. This is definitely not blog-worthy news. But I really have nothing else to say, and nothing else I feel like doing. So here I am. Blogging. To you. About my laundry. This is pee-in-your-pants exciting stuff.

Holy freaking shit I just checked the weather report and it's going to be 72 degrees on Tuesday.

Man I seriously have nothing to do. That's a lie. I have a lot of homework to do. And I'm reading a really good book right now called City of Falling Angels that I could read right now. I think that's the title. Actually to be honest I'm not sure if that's the title. But it's good. It's a nonfictional book written like fiction. It's basically an embellished travelogue. Read it. Nourish your mind. Don't be a spud.

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I'm so exhausted. I think I'm hallucinating.

Have you ever been to postsecret.com? I love this website.

Speaking of websites that I love. I used to be in love with Neopets. Don't give me a confused, wtf look. You know what that is. You know you used to play it. You know you use to STALK the shops to snag the good stuff the SECOND it came out. Yeah that's right NERD I know you used to play neopets. AND YOU LOVED IT. And if you were a pimping pro like me you would have at least three accounts and your neopoints would be in the millions. MUAHAHAHAHAHA I RULE. But I don't play anymore =[. YO I THINK I'M GOING TO CHECK MY ACCOUNT RIGHT NOW. SERENA IF YOU'VE BEEN STEALING MY NEOPOINTS I'M GOING TO KNOW AND I'M GOING TO GUT YOU. LIKE A FISH. j/k.

I should probably do my homework that's due tomorrow instead. I'm such a bad student. I'm going to feel guilty about this tomorrow. But I'm so tired. Now I'm just whining. If I could read this out loud to you I'd sound five years old. Like my dad. Omg I take that back that was mean. It's true though. Shit I need to quit while I'm ahead.

OK NEOPETS HOMEWORK LAUNDRY HOMEWORK LAUNDRY BRUSH TEETH BED.

2007-03-23T18:46:00.000-04:00

Holy crap it's been awhile. I did an externship in Phillly during spring break which was pretty awesome. I lived in the city and visited different non-profit organizations each day with a different Haverford grad. I love love love love living in the city. I got a chance to explore all the different neighborhoods and really got a taste of Philly's culture. It's not a fantastic city...pretty freaking ghetto...but I'm starting to like it more and more. Maybe I'll live here after I graduate...? Who knows; I definitely want to be living in a big city though. I find myself thinking a lot about life after college. Where I'll be living, what I'll be doing. They can be fun thoughts to entertain.

The following two pictures were the highlight of my externship:

You might be thinking, "wtheck. It's just a wall with an eagle and a basketball court." Oh no my friend. It is much more than that. That wall and that basketball court are in the opening scene of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. When he's rapping about growing up in West Philly and playing basketball, that's the place. AND I WAS THERE. I was standing in a sacred, historical site and loving every minute of it. But yo, that place isn't even in West Philly. It's the south end of North Philly. Funny that.

Another highlight of my externship was going to this great "junk-art" place on South Street. This guy bought out an empty lot and basically turned it into a piece of art using random junk like tires, bottles, and broken glass.

He's also made his entire house into a piece of artwork like his workplace. Except his bedroom. Apparently his wife wouldn't let him.

He also does random pieces of glasswork on walls around the South street area.

He's pretty baller. Philly is awesome; everyone should come visit me. I'll show you a good time. That sounds dirty. Get your mind out of the gutter.

In other news, I've joined the leadership team for IV next year. Quite exciting.

ahahahahahah I need to tell a story. This is random but I thought of this right in the middle of talking about IV leadership. So I'll just follow my train of thought and digress. I started drinking coffee this week. I really don't know why. It didn't really affect me for the first three days, but on Thursday I think my body decided it couldn't handle it anymore. I was so riduclously shaky and jittery all morning. I couldn't sit still and my hands were literally shaking. I felt like my head was in the clouds and my thoughts were so scattered. Anyways, I think I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. Plus, if I made coffee a habit my teeth could potentially become disgustingly yellow. And then I'd have to kill myself. J/k.

So back to IV leadership. Joel approached me before spring break and said that I had been nominated to be a part of next year's leadership team. I was hesitant at first because even though I know I would grow so much, I also knew it'd be a huge time commitment. I've been doing Bible study this year but I don't always go to Friday night large group. And I don't attend all the weekend conferences and retreats. Then there's leader meetings and what not. So if I decided to do leadership I'd really have to dedicate myself. But why wouldn't I want to? The rewards would be more than worth it. But then I had the thought: how can I lead others when I need so much leading myself? I have so many questions and I myself need all the guidance I can get. But looking at it that way, when is a good time for me to lead others then? I'll never have all my questions answered. I hope I never become complacent enough to say "I'm good where I am. It's time to help others." I'm always praying for a heart that wants to seek God and for continual growth and change in my life. Maybe this is it.

Thursday night during Bible study we read James 3, and I totally felt that James 3:1 was directed right at me. It says, "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." Is that screaming at me or what? When I compare myself to this year's leaders I feel that I fall sooooo short. And I realize that that doesn't matter because I'm not being judged before them and in the end we all fall short of God's glory. But I realized that I need to take a look at my life and ask myself how Christ's work in me is manifested in my actions and relationships with others. Does my lifestyle reflect what I believe and God's glory? Sometimes it does, but a lot of times it doesn't. And I shouldn't need an excuse besides God to want to make a change in my life but maybe this is the perfect excuse...maybe it's God's way of calling me to my senses.

One thing we talked about in small group was how we reach out to others. I think a lot of the things I do, I do because I want people to know that being a Christian is not synonymous with being an anti-social, obscure, alien. During church a couple weeks ago, Pastor Steve was talking about surrounding ourselves with Christian friends and distancing ourselves from "those walking in idleness." He preached about being a good influence from afar, and I don't completely agree with that. I do agree that if your close circle of friends are not believers, you do run the risk of being influenced into sin, but I also think that saying you can be a good influence from afar is much different than actually doing it. Because I don't think people will take you seriously if you can't relate to them. And I think that's why I do a lot of the things I do. I'm not saying that everything I do is for the sole purpose of "fitting in" (w/e that means) or relating to people. But I feel that it does give me an advantage in that people won't think I'm judging them or that I'm on a completely different planet. By doing the things I do I can say "hey I go through the same stuff. I know what you mean. I've been there. etc." During small group a lot of the other IV kids were saying that they want to break down the negative stereotypes attached with being a Christian. I guess the danger in that is you might be compromising your beliefs and that you end up getting sucked into the wrong lifestyle. I don't want to create the impression that I want to cover up my faith because that's not the case. It's about how I strike that balance between keeping my faith and what I believe yet still being able to relate to others on their terms in ways that they can understand. In the Screwtape Letters C.S. Lewis talks about how we are often afrraid to be perceived as extreme Christians. But really what's wrong with that? That only indicates the level of our faith and that's where we all strive to be. But oftentimes I do find that when I feel myself getting closer to God, I instinctively pull away because there's this hovering uncertainty of what I'm getting myself into. And even though I know only great things wait for me at the end, I know it's not an easy journey and sometimes I'd rather take the easier, more well-traveled path. I guess the catch is to know that I'm not in it alone.

I forgot why I brought that up. Something to do with how I need to change my life, especially if I'm going to be a leader next year. Something like that. I always end up about twenty miles south of the original point I was making. Sometimes 21.75 miles. And sometimes it's more like Southeast. Some of you might be thinking that I'm making too much of a big deal out of this. After all, it's just leadership right? I attend a couple more meetings, lead a few Bible studies, go to a few more conferences/retreats. No big right? Why all the fuss? Well I see being a leader as more than just committing more time to IV. It's a deeper spiritual commitment and that is definitely a big deal. It's a commitment that goes beyond what I fit into my daily planner. So yeah, it's a big deal and I'm taking it seriously. But I'm also eager and excited for the changes God will bring.

I got my hair cut today. Eh, I don't like it that much. Could be that I'm just not used to having short hair. It's been awhile. When it grows longer I'm going to get it restyled. I think it just looks really bland now. Ahhhh I miss my long hair. Sort of.

My sister bought me a watch today as a much belated birthday gift. It's pretty P-I-M-P-ing.

I was talking to Joel the other night about a difficult decision that I have to make. And being the freaking amazing friend that he is, Joel automatically said, "You mean God's decision right? Not yours." I was like oh snap Joel Kwabi you are the man. I realized that as much as I pray about being open and accepting to God's will, how much do my actions actually say that's what I want to be done? I mean it sincerely in my prayers but as I go about my day and as I talk to people about what's going on and as I'm confronted with situations, how do I act? How do I deal with them? How do I make myself open to His will? If I'm only praying for an open heart that doesn't cut it. I'm not devaluing prayer; I'm just saying that my actions have to reflect what I'm praying about.

This entry is getting long. This is what happens when I don't blog every day. I save it all up.

Sometimes I think I just need to take a chance. I don't take very many risks in my life. Maybe I should once in awhile. A lot of really great things come from taking chances. On the other hand, you also risk losing a lot. But I guess if you never put anything in and risk something you value then you'll never know how great the return value will be. Ah but the potential of losing everything you put in and more is enough to deter a person. Maybe I should just say what the hell and do something different for once in my life huh?

So it looks like I'm going to be home for exactly 4 weeks this summer. I'm going to New York for a week of IV chapter camp after school lets out. I'm looking forward to a time of bonding with next year's leadership team, other IV kids, and God. Should be good times. Then I fly out to Boston for Explo. FREAKING A SPEAKING OF FLYING TICKETS ARE SO EXPENSIVE. DOUBLE U TEE EFF. It's like $315 to fly multi-city round trip. Urgh.

I'm going to NY tomorrow with my Chinese class to look at art, listen to music, and eat good food. God I love that class. My Chinese friends are some of my most favorite people in this world. Aren't we cute?

I haven't done anything all week. I'm not going to do anything all weekend. I haven't had any work. School is basically begging me to not take it seriously. So I'm not. It's going to kick my butt in about three weeks though. Well I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But for now I'm going to go out and party like it's 1999.

[]Deace out.

2007-03-12T23:17:00.000-04:00

I'm living in West Philly this week.

Why?

Cuz that's how I roll.

I'm hardcore, yo.

This is my hood.

[]Deace.

2007-03-10T22:06:00.000-05:00

How I spent my first 24 hours of spring break:

Watched 300. Lotsalota blood and gore.
Gave my apartment a thorough cleaning.
Did two loads of laundry.
Watched Pulp Fiction.
Wrote letters.
Watched Chocolat.
Packed for the week.
Read Thank You for Smoking.

And now here I am. What a whole lot of nothing I did today. And guess what? IT FELT GREAT. I FEEL GREAT. GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT. I WOKE UP AT 10AM THIS MORNING AND IT WAS GREAT. GREAT GREAT GREAT. WHAT A GREAT FEELING TO GET NINE HOURS OF SLEEP.

I gotta stop typing in caps. I do it so much that it kinda takes the significance out of it now. I'm quite satisfied with my day =]. Good job Stephanie.

2007-03-08T19:03:00.000-05:00

Where is my sophomore year going?

I just got an email about declaring majors by April 20th. And then I got an email about room draw for next year. I thought I just did room draw for this year. Ack, I still don't know what my major will be. I'm pretty sure it's going to be English, but then sometimes I'll get random, enthusiastic spurts of "I'M GOING TO MAJOR IN EAST ASIAN STUDIES AND I'M GOING TO LOVE IT!!!" But then that dies out and I'm all gung ho about English. And then the cycle repeats itself.

It's going to be a long but extremely productive and satisfying night. I'm so excited for when my essay is going to be done. Super excited. I really can't express how happy I am right now just thinking about 6 hours from now when I'll be done with my essay. (Well hopefully it'll only be 6 hours). That anticipation is going to keep me going tonight. And after my Chinese midterm tomorrow morning I'll be done!

OK GO TEAM!

2007-03-06T21:46:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about China a lot lately. I want to go back there so badly. What I wouldn't give to see a squat pot right now. I want to buy greasy food off the street and I want to eat yak meat in a tent and I want street merchants to pester me to buy things. I want to smell that polluted air and see the overcast sky. Oh China, I miss you.

With all this nostalgia I've been having recently, I must be really dissatisfied with my life right now or something. But I can't think of anything wrong; I'm having a pretty dang good sophomore year. I do daydream a lot about not being at Haverford though. I love it here, but I'm so ready for a break from this school and this country. I feel like I need to live my life more; I feel too much like a college student right now...like all I'm doing is the "college thing." And honestly, it's getting kind of old. I want to get out and travel. Belgium needs to come right now.

2007-03-04T17:53:00.000-05:00

Look, it's me in 2001 (freshman year). I didn't know I used to be so small.

I played Dr.Einstein from Arsenic and Old Lace in my first high school production. I look like a shrimp.

2007-03-03T22:14:00.000-05:00

hahahahahahahahaha. I just found out that my Chinese exam this week is on Lessons 11-14 as opposed to just 13-14. I find this absolutely hilarious. I just have so much work to do this week that I can't even take it seriously. I'm thinking about the tests I have to study for and the essays I have to write, and I can't help but laugh. LAUGH OUT LOUD. WHY IS IS EVERYTHING HAPPENING THIS WEEK. LAUGH WITH ME. Biopsych test due by Tuesday morning, Chinese test on Friday, 4 pg paper due Thursday, and 5-7 pg essay due Friday. Now of course I'm going to get through the week. I'll be frazzled and a little stressed, and by the end of it i'll be tired but I know I'll come out fine. I'm not puporting a "OH WOE IS ME" emotional state, but it will be hard. I was genuinely scared about this before; I'm past that point now. I'm not quite sure what to think. Or do. Is it over yet?

FOR FREAKING REAL WHY ALL AT ONCE. I feel like something is going to get shafted and I'll fail one thing. That would be the suck.

Guess what. It's Saturday night and I'm in the science building studying biopsych with Jeff. Baller status.

Hang loose.

2007-02-28T21:24:00.000-05:00

I'm listening to the Guys and Dolls soundtrack right now. Oh such wonderful memories. They make me smile =].

I'm in such theater withdrawl.

2007-02-26T16:35:00.000-05:00

Today in my mailbox I got a plastic, pink easter egg that had hershey kisses and skittles inside. There was also a tiny strip of paper that said "Hi Stephanie, hope you are doing well and still acting." And there was no indication of who it came from. Odd?

And it's funny because I was just recently thinking how much I miss theater. And not just miss it in a "I have such fond memories of acting" type of way. But I really, truely freaking miss it. I just want to get on stage and act and run around and be IN a theater and smell the theater air and pull long nights and bitch about it but then laugh about the good times and I want to be someone different and I want to sing and dance and I want to wear stage makeup and random costumes and I want the lights shining in my face and I want to hear theater music and theater voices and I just want to PERFORM so badly. We had auditions for Cabaret this Sunday and I was going to try out but then I remembered I'm a terrible singer. I really do lament my poor singing abilities because musicals are so much fun to be in.

This past weekend I helped out at the District 7450 RYLA Conference. It was pretty much terrible. The conference wasn't even a Rotary designed conference. They were at this place called the Freedom Foundation that basically educates people about American history and civil service, and they conduct weekend long conferences for a bunch of different high schools. And this past weekend was just another one of those conferences but instead it was called RYLA. The entire weekend was about civil service, which is great, but that's not RYLA. There were no leadership workshops, and the only *barely* redeeming factor was a talk given by a Rotarian about Rotary and a pretty cool culture walk. But the entire weekend had NOTHING to do with Rotary or leadership or Interact.

Wowowowowoowowowowow I have to do homework now.

2007-02-25T20:57:00.000-05:00

I can never tell someone when I'm annoyed with them. *sigh.* I just let it sit. And stew. Stew stew stew. And then maybe a year later I'll tell them how I felt a year ago.

I hate philosophy. No one cares about the thingness of a thing. "But how does the thing presence? The thing things. Thinging gathers. Appropriating the fourfold, it gathers the fourfold's stay, its while, into something that stays for a while: into this thing, that thing." SHUT THE !#@$ UP. Heidegger should've kept his thoughts to himself.

2007-02-21T22:52:00.000-05:00

The snow is starting to melt like crazy. Black ice is everywhere, and it's going to be the cause of my death. Walking out of my apartment today, on the way to jump rope class, I found myself lying flat on my back. Ouch. At least it was a nice night.

2007-02-20T21:24:00.000-05:00

Hey kids, I'm giving up facebook, aim, and blog checking for Lent (which starts tomorrow), so if you wannt reach me call/email me! I'll do the same to you because I don't fancy emerging from Lent with no more friends. I was going to give up blogging also, but I would still be journaling anyways...I just wouldn't be publishing it online. Soooooooo I guess you could talk to me through my comment box which some of you do anyways. But that's lame. haha, j/k.

Sunday night I went to go see "Nerds://A Musical Software Satire." Freaking hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing the entire time.

It's a musical story that traces the lives of Bill Gates and Steve Jobs starting from their days as college inventors to their roles as huge computer moguls.

These next two and a half weeks before spring break are going to be tough, to say the least. I'm trying to avoid thinking about it.

2007-02-19T21:52:00.000-05:00

A lot of times when I can't stay awake in class I pinch myself on my forearm around the wrist area. I had to do that today in Romantic Poetry. I think it works some of the time. But you really can't be afraid to hurt yourself. You have to pinch really hard till you feel excruciating pain. It can't just hurt...it has to make you squirm and cringe. Well after class today I had to participate in a Psych experiment, and when I rolled up my sleeves I realized how sketchy the situation was because it looked like I was a victim of relationship abuse or was a self-mutilator. On a side note, the psych experiment was extremely uncomfortable, intense, and painful.

2007-02-15T18:45:00.000-05:00

Shameless plug because I love JoeChai. Check out his band:

http://profile.myspace.com/missvintage

or

Click the Miss Vintage link to the right under the heading Friends.

They're pretty much awesome. If you like their stuff and want to support a talented bunch of young, struggling, starving (haha) artists, then buy their CD, Runways, when it comes out on March 2nd. And if you want to help me support them, then buy one for me too. J/k, I joke. They also have a list of concert dates...nothing happening in NorCal but a couple gigs in Socal. A bunch on the East Coast, but I don't think that concerns any of my blog readers. And no, they're not a Christian band. They're all Christian guys, but they don't play Christian music.

I was talking to my friend today about Haverford...I just realized that people here talk about the dynamics of our school a lot, a freaking lot...anyways we were basically just talking about how everyone here works really hard. And that may seem like a retarded statement to make because well my school isn't a dumb school so why wouldn't we work hard? I mean, the kids here are smart. But really more than that, everyone here works hard, often overachieves (which can be annoying but I might possibly fall in this category some of the time so I can't hate), and does a ridiculous amount of activities also. We're not a school where everyone is smart without trying. People work hard to get where they're at, and they're sincerely dedicated to everything they do. And when the presidential candidates came to meet our community, every single one of them touched on that point. They all talked about how Haverford is very well respected outside our community and that we're known/valued for being hard workers, and I'm not saying that to be cocky, but it's something the students here don't really think about and don't really know either.

Last year I often wondered wtheck I was doing here. Why did they let me in? I've always found it a little frustrating when people who don't do ANYTHING at all still excel in everything they do. And of course good for them, they're talented people, but at the same time there's still a feeling of injustice...like why do I have to do ten times as much work for the same result. But thinking about this now I know that even if I could do the minimum to get the desired result, I wouldn't. I'd work my butt off. This is why I can't do pass/fail classes because even if I took a class p/f I wouldn't work any less hard or be any less concerned...I'd still work as if I was trying to get a 4.0. I think I like working hard. I guess a lot of people equivocate that with being under constant stress and are always telling me to chill or take a break. Which I probably should do more often, but it's really not so bad. I'm quite okay with the way I am =]. Now I see it's a good thing I'm not naturally good at everything, otherwise I don't think I could live with myself and might have to throw myself off of a cliff so a Taco Bell truck can run me over.

Anywho. I'm done with that now. I'm going to do hw. hahahaha how many of my entries do I end with "I'm going to do work now." Probably like a gajillion-million huh?

2007-02-14T07:57:00.000-05:00

Snow day! Chinese class cancelled! With any luck, Romantic Poetry will be cancelled too. With more luck the entire school will shut down.

Dang, living in Cali my whole life, I've been missing out on days like these. It's what every kid lives for. And I include college student in my definition of kid.

2007-02-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

HOLY SMUCKERS It has been snowing ALL freaking day. It is absolutely gorgeous outside, and by the time midnight rolls around tonight there's going to be SO much snow and it is going to be FREAKING PERFECT to play in. I'M PSYCHED. My experience with snow has been confined to playing in snow showers at night and then waking up to complete whiteness everywhere. But THIS is big. THIS is exciting. I've been watching the snow slowly pile up and I will have the ULTIMATE snow adventures tonight. Needless to say, I don't see much work getting done tonight. Or well if it does get done, then sleep goes out the window. BUT SLEEP IS FOR THE DEAD.

I really like sitting in front of my desk when the heater is on because the vent is right under the desk and my feet are always so toasty =]. How I love to love the small things in life. You should all do the same. I think I'm sort of a small person. LOVE ME!

<33333333333333333333333333333333333333 LOVE LOVE LOVE

Dude it's Valentine's Day on Wednesday. I'm going to burn shit. hahahaha, j/k. I'm not an angry person. Except for Sunday night, er Monday morning ish. I was angry then. But I didn't burn anything.

I'm gonna crackdown on homework now like Scruff McGruff cracks down on crime. []Deeeeeace.

2007-02-12T01:36:00.001-05:00

I'm angry.

And I'm about to start my Chinese test.

2007-02-11T01:19:00.000-05:00

I got trashed tonight. And then I became best friends with my toilet and threw up my entire digestive system.

Just kidding. I went to Bible study (book of James), read Blake, studied for my Chinese test, watched a snippet of The Fellowship of the Ring, shoved a chopped up orange down my garbage disposal to make it smell better, and watched Captain Planet. And now I'm going to bed. Good night lovelies.

2007-02-10T14:56:00.000-05:00

The Haverford presidential search committee just picked our new president. I'm in shock.

I'm also important because I'm only one of five people who knows right now =].

Which doesn't matter all that much because what am I going to do with this information anyways. Market it on eBay?

Ever since I got put on this news beat I've been so invested in the whole process. I usually don't get very involved in school politics but this presidential search has consumed so much of my time and energy that I've developed really strong opinions about the process and the final candidates. I have a lot to say but this blog is too public, so I'll reserve my opinion for a later entry after the final decision has been released to the school.

I just had a nice lunch with my sister at a Thai restaurant. I'm seeing her significantly less this year...partly because she's so busy with hospital rotations and partly because my classes are kicking my ass so I work a lot more. I miss cooking dinner with her. It's taken us awhile to get this good at it. Today she brought up the fact that I'm going to graduate in two years. Uhm, I think I just started college. I better not blink again or else it'll be over.

Question. Why are thin mints SO ORGASMICALLY OUT OF THIS WORLD GOOD. I am infatuated.

Oh, and if you haven't seen Harry Potter's new image, check it out here. Scroll down to where it says "Dan as you've never seen him before":

http://mugglenet.com/app/news/archive/2007/01

Since the very beginning I've told people that Harry Potter is a hottie. And since the very beginning I've been made fun and called a cradle robber. What now bitches. J/k. But was I right or was I right? Anyways, those pictures are basically how close can we get to showing Harry Potter naked without it being X-rated. Pretty freaking close.

I have much work to do today but that's like me every day so what else is new. Best get to it. []Deace.

2007-02-07T23:28:00.000-05:00

My English professor talking about Blake's poem "Milton" in class...

"The world of Generation is eating, fucking, and shitting. We're just animals. It's about transmitting DNA and after that who cares?"

On a completely unrelated note, my hair looks like a lion's mane, my skin is like a crocodile's, my face is like a turnip, and the rest of me is like a popsicle. I feel pretty. Three cheers for winter.

2007-02-07T08:06:00.000-05:00

I'm getting baptized this semester, so my pastor gave me a book to read to prepare me. We're going to be meeting up once a week to discuss the material and how it relates to what I want to do, which will hopefully take place after spring break in March. We had our first meeting last night...It's like I'm relearning my faith (back to basics) so that I can take the next step in it. It was a good evening with enlightening conversation, but it really drained me and I felt like I couldn't focus on work afterwards.

I think I'm stretching myself too thin. I feel worn out. I really do. And it's only the third week of school? I'm not here to whine and bitch and moan. I'm just...tired. Really tired. Physically because I'm not getting enough sleep. And mentally because there's so much going on in my head. I'm trying to sort everything out. I've never felt before that there were not enough hours in a day, as I do now. I've been busy and overwhelmed before but now even when I'm structuring my days and scheduling hour by hour I can't seem to get everything done. I'm getting many many emails from Rotarians who I've emailed to help with Rotaract. But I don't know what I want to do/don't have the time to answer them, so I've been ignoring the emails. I got an email yesterday from a Rotarian that was basically one line "Have you been getting my emails? Call me." Shoot. Maybe I need to give something up. But I have no idea what that would be. Maybe I just need to work faster. And stop blogging. hah.

I had a moment of stress stress stress for about 45 minutes last night. But then we went to go surprise Paul at midnight for his birthday, and that's always fun =].

I took my independent study class for granted last semester. Now I have four classes which I actually have to attend.

Class in an hour. There's snow outside.

2007-02-06T00:46:00.000-05:00

Shit. It's freaking freezing. Like 10 degrees Farenheit freezing.

2007-02-05T01:58:00.000-05:00

Due to recent complaints that my blog is over dramatic, this entry is going to be completely void of any sort of personal thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This is a picture of a parsnip:

(By the way, you can count this as a half-appearance. Combined with the last entry, you have one more whole appearance).

2007-02-04T22:20:00.000-05:00

This week is gonna be a fresh start for me. I've been slacking like crazy for the past two weeks...wasting my time, wasting my life. Today marks the dawn of a new age of productivity in my life. Don't laugh. I'm not being sarcastic or over dramatic. These past two weeks have seriously annoyed me to all ends, but I'm changing that now.

Oh and I love how people identify the smell of Trident tropical splash gum with my presence. It's totally my trademark now, and I love it =].

I just got a random phone call from Jo! How special <3

You know what I hate? Blog posts with excessive amounts of smileys, hearts, hehehes (and variations of that like haha and keke), lols, asian faces like this ^_^ (it took me like 15 tries to make that by the way), and other girly things that make me cringe.

So my apologies for ending two paragraphs with a smiley and a heart. I just don't have the energy to think of other ways to express myself. So I went the retarded route.

Sometimes I think I'm hypercritical. Ew am I one of those people? That's kind of repulsivec. hahahahaha this topic in itself is hypercritical. I'm such a loser sometimes it makes me laugh.

2007-02-03T13:42:00.000-05:00

You know what I realized I don't like? When people talk about getting drunk and what they did when they got drunk. I honestly don't really like talking about drinking. But this also isn't a universal statement because I often get a kick out of hearing people's funny drunken adventures. I guess it depends on the person. Usually when I think very highly of someone and then they tell me about drinking, I get kind of turned off. But there are some friends who I know are pretty crazy and I love hearing their stories. It's not that I think less of them, but I guess other friends I sort of have on a pedestal and when I hear about their drinking adventures, I get a little let down. Not that my opinion of them drops; I still think they're great but I guess I'm a tad disappointed. I don't know why either. It's not like I think I'm flawless; I'm sure I'm a great disappointment to many people.

I just reread what I wrote. I lied so much. There are quite a few people I love to death and think ridiculously highly of and are some of my closest friends, and they amuse me a lot with their drunk stories.

This entry was pointless.

I would delete it except for the fact that I like looking back on my old entries and saying "wtf was I thinking." It makes me feel as if I've come a long way and I'm much better now than I was before.

So ignore everything I said. TELL ME YOUR DRUNKEN STORIES! THEY MAKE ME LAUGH!

Also when I hear about drinking I'm caught between "Dang that sounds like a lot of fun; I wish I was there," and "No I don't drink. I stopped that, remember?" So until I decide to fall into super deep sin again, which I'm already in because that's my nature, but I mean even deeper into one of Dante's circles, continue to tell me your stories for I will not have any of my own to share. ENTERTAIN ME! I LOVE IT!

I never turn in my news articles on time. I bet my editor hates me. Too bad they need me because I'm covering the presidential search. I'M IMPORTANT. HAAHAHAH. I joke. Well I am covering our presidential search but I'm not that important. I'm sure I'm easily replaceable.

2007-02-01T16:20:00.000-05:00

I just finished changing the toner for a printer. This was the first time I've changed toner in my entire life...and I did it all by myself. I'm proud. And I'm not trying to sound retarded. I really am proud. I didn't think I would figure it out. I mean, people are counting on me! If I don't change the toner, then they can't print anything. And who knows what people may need to print? Homework assignments, readings, essays, job applications, top secret CIA papers, etc. The bottom line is it's all very important. And the one thing standing between them and their documents is TONER. And the one person who can prevent disaster in these young adult lives is ME. Well Jesus can do more for them, but He doesn't change their toner which is what they need right now. That's not to say He couldn't. I'm sure He could. But anyways this is not the point. So just when things were starting to get bad, my wonderful Haverford-educated mind kicked in just in time. All of a sudden I knew exactly what to do. I opened the toner, ripped out the silver strip, took out the old toner, and effortlessly slid in the new one. Job well done Stephanie, job well done.

2007-01-31T23:24:00.000-05:00

I ordered my BioPsych textbook from amazon.com, and when it came in the mail it said that the sender was someone named Steph from Fremont. Weird huh?

I received some of my teaching materials for my summer job today in the mail. I now have a number of children's books sitting on my desk. I have Dr.Seuss's "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish," "Curious George Visits the Zoo," "There's a Nightmare in My Closet," and "Harold and the Purple Crayon." These books are amazing. Better than anything I'm reading right now in my classes. I feel so grownup.

I also found out that the mini-course I'm teaching is archery. Wtheck. I know nothing, absolutely nothing, about archery. I definitely didn't put it down as one of the mini courses I wanted to teach, but it should be fun. I guess I'll just make sure no one's poking anyone else's eye out. That might reflect badly on me. Oh and it wouldn't be good for the injured kid either.

The readings for my Romantic Poetry class are really not that interesting. Poetry is extremely hard to understand. It's a good thing the class itself is EXCELLENT. The professor is so enthusiastic and engaging. He makes the material interesting and accessible. I seriously love how much he gets into the reading. It's great.

This is a pretty boring entry. Sorry. I guess I'm just an uninteresting person. Why are you friends with me? J/k, don't leave. I need friends.

Speaking of friends I realized that I have certain friends who I haven't known for a very long time but who have become pretty good friends of mine. And for lack of something more profound to say, that makes me very happy.

This entry was seriously retarded. The previous paragraph officially sealed the lameness of it. Whenever I say anything remotely sweet or sappy I feel like I have to justify myself and defend myself. Kind of like I just did by calling myself lame. I dont know why I do that. What if I want to be sappy sometimes? I should just tell other people to deal with it. Actually I dont think anyone else cares. I think I care. I'm a tough cookie, not soft. Crunchy, not chewy. Roar. Yeah I really don't like people knowing I have feelings or gross stuff like that.

[]Deace out homefries

2007-01-30T22:58:00.000-05:00

Eff. I have no idea where my head is these days. My study habits are terrible; I'm acting as if I don't take school seriously, which I do. But I'm really not focusing. My usual excellent time management skills have disintegrated. And I know a lot of people are probably thinking that I'm exaggerating and that terrible study habits means I'm not overachieving or doing things early. BUT YOU'RE WRONG. ALL OF YOU. I actually often times find myself slightly worried about finishing my work. I usually never have a problem with finishing. It's usually a problem of not spending enough time studying (but we all know there's always room for more studying so that never bothered me too much). For instance, tonight, I look at my schedule and realize that I had much more reading than I had thought and I have to write an in depth analysis of a poem I haven't read. Please feel free to stop reading my blog at this point and close the window. I'm really not doing much else except bitching. But it makes me feel good to berate myself and get this out. Anyways. I guess I go to class well prepared to discuss things. But I have stuff like my curriculum (for my summer job) that I have to work on because I have a deadline coming, and I've been majorly neglecting Rotaract. I have so many great ideas but nothing is going to happen unless I do something about it. This paragraph is long. But I'm not gonig to break it up because no one is supposed to still be reading at this point. And I hope that by making a huge paragraph, anyone who is still reading will be deterred from reading further. In fact, I'm going to make this entire entry one huge paragraph. I've decided that now. So Rotaract is not going the way I hoped. (I had a paragraph break here before but I took out just like I said I would. I'm a person of my word). I have better things to talk about than bitching about my terrible work ethic. Things like my retreat this past weekend with Haverford, Bryn Mawr, and Swat IV at the Blue Church, which totally exceeded my expectations. The topic was about sex, and our speaker was extremely intelligent, articulate, and engaging. Well, one would hope for all those things in a speaker. I have much to share about how I was enlightened, but I'm so caught up in not being productive with my time that I haven't had time to reflect. (previous paragraph break here too)I think I'm only starting to realize that my semester is going to be extremely busy, and if I want to make it through with an ounce of sanity then I need to buckle down like right now. (once again another paragraph break that I took out).My head is in the freaking clouds. It's like detached from my neck and floating high above me on fluffy bunny-shaped clouds. That's exactly where it shouldn't be. (paragraph break). And I know that I tell everone dont stress, dont worry, trust God, things are going to be fine. And I know things will be fine. I really do. But my worry isn't so much for the future as for th immediate present. And by immediate present I dont mean the next week. I mean like tonight or tomorrow morning. Like right now. I'm afraid that my performance in my classes will be weak this semester. Actually am I? I dunno. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just caught up in this entry and felt like that was an appropriate thing to say but I don't actually feel it. (paragraph break here. dang what sucker is still reading this sad excuse for an entry?) And I'm having issues with sin and purity blah blah blah. I actually started writing an entry on that but I didn't finish and it's saved on my computer. I'm wrestling with a lot of things in my faith right now. And I think it's all hitting me at once because I'm preparing to get baptized this semester. So I'm talking with my pastor, he gave me stuff to read, I have sessions where I discuss it with him, etc. And of course I have to prepare myself mentally so I'm doing a lot of thinking. So much is running through my mind. And sometimes I just want to talk about it with someone. But I'll be honest, I dont like talking about myself a lot. Like if someone asks me about something in my life, I'll talk about it extensively because why skimp on the details? So I guess it seems like I like talking about myself a lot. Most of the time I'll start talking about myself, and then realize how much I'm talking about myself and then I'll get really disgusted. And I'll stop. And everyone has shit to deal with. Why do I wan to burden them with my crap? Yeah I know friends are there for me, but still. Sometimes I don't want to talk to people and I want to work it out on my own. And why the eff am I still writing this entry when I have hella hw and it's 11:30pm. I originally wrote "fuck" instead of "eff," but after I typed it, I felt so wrong. So I erased it. You didn't need to know that. Well you shouldn't still be reading this entry anyways. (paragraph break)And there are other things running through my mind. This entry is becoming emo. I think I'm going to throw up in my mouth a little bit after writing this entry because it's a pretty damn annoying entry. Everyone has shit to deal with. Most people have more shit than I do. I'm a pretty damn fortunate girl. I'm blessed. And I'm ungrateful. I'm a pretty ungrateful daughter too. I get short with my parents a lot. I'm never gonna have kids if they're just gonna turn out like me and lash out at their parents. I didn't intend for this entry to be this long. But that's typical; i never intend for long entries to be long. I need to suck it up. It'd be really great if someone could just tell me to get over myself and deal with it. There are far worse things that could happen. And I dont want someone to tell me that because I said "tell me this." I want someone to sincerely tell me I'm full of shit. (Damn I can't beleive I'm writing in one whole paragraph. I can't beleive im still writing). I need God so badly in my life right now. So badly. I feel like I'm hungry for so much. And I'm not just saying that I need God in times of distress and I'll cast Him aside when I get over this phase. I mean I really need Him. And I need to fork my life over and stop being prideful and boastful and thinking that I can do it all on my own. I'm not satisfied. And I won't find satisfaction in anything here. And I know where it has to come from but I don't think I'm sincerely seeking it. I pray for it. I think it. I say I want it. But do I really? What am I actively doing to go for it? I hope people don't think this entry was meant to draw sympathy and pity. That's not why I wrote it. I really wrote this for myself because I just need to write. Blog. Journal. I don't want pity. The stuff I have going on is totally handleable, dealable; those defintitely aren't words. I feel better now. Slightly. Why did I waste my time with this entry? See what I mean by I'm not focusing? Case in point: this entry.

2007-01-25T17:16:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure I'm going to marry the professor of my East Asian Studies seminar class. He's a sexy man from the Netherlands, 'nough said.

2007-01-24T23:52:00.000-05:00

I need to focus.

When I finished class at 4:00pm I went to Numa's room and sat around. Then I walked across the hall and sat around in Jessie's room. Then I went to dinner. Then I went to Paul's room and sat around. Then I met up with GCC family group kids to eat ice cream and sit around Jenn's room.

What's wrong with me. I'm going to flunk out of school.

J/k, I won't. But I do need to stop wasting time. Which is why I'm blogging now. Obviously.

2007-01-23T07:43:00.000-05:00

Waking up at 7am is really hard. But it's a good thing I did; I needed the quiet time. I love this song; it moved me to tears:

-You Are My King (Amazing Love)-

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, would die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true
It’s my joy to honor You
In all I do, To honor You

You are my King
You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
You are my King

2007-01-21T10:47:00.000-05:00

I'm back at Haverford after a four day stay with Tim at Amherst. My visit can be summed up with one picture:

I joke. We did more than just play Scrabble.

We also watched Arrested Development. I've been sucked in. I know, I'm terrible. I can't help myself. That show is so hilarious though, and I love how you can always quote it in any situation. Goodness, I've only watched about six episodes; what's going to happen when I get through one season. I'll never shut up about it.

So my four days was filled with more than just Scrabble and Arrested Development, but I don't want to bore anyone with details. I had an excellent time though. The house Tim and his friends are living in is freaking awesome. I definitely lived nicely for four days. Heated bathroom tiles are one of those things that sound ridiculously frivoulous and unnecessary but once you've tried it, you know your future house HAS to have it. As well as having four shower heads in one shower. Simply amazing. I had really great food and company, so all in all I can say I was very well taken care of.

And now back to the grind of school. Curses.

Before I left Cali I was so ready to go back to school and get on a schedule. Winter break was dragging on forever and my days were steadily becoming more unproductive. Plus I could tell that my tolerance for my parents' parenting was slowly waning. That sounds terrible, but I don't mean it in a bad way. I know they mean well, and I love them but if I stayed any longer than a month I would've blown a fuse. But now that school's starting tomorrow I realize that I'm not ready to start studying. I think that before when I wanted to start school, I just really wanted to leave California and go back to the East Coast. Heh, I never thought I'd say that. I guess I like this place more than I let on. Visiting friends from back home on this coast also makes me appreciate it here more. I don't know what it is. I think I take it for granted a lot, that I made the decision to come here and do something different that I wanted to do. It's too easy for me to bury myself in my work and just do the "college thing," but when I visit friends from home or when they visit me I realize where I am. This might only make sense to me. It's ok. Bottom line: I came here because I wanted a whole new experience and I guess it's taken me over a year to fully appreciate living on the East Coast.

Anyways, it's good to be back. I'm going to watch Arrested Development now.

2007-01-17T21:37:00.001-05:00

Sadistic PD

You scored 70% on Openness, 80% onConscientiousness, 80% on Extraversion, and 30% on Agreeableness.

Your score places you closest to Sadistic Personality Disorder, a disorder marked by aggressive and cruel behavior. Individuals with this disorder often take pleasure in the suffering of other people or animals, use fear to manipulate others, and may use physical violence or cruelty to establish dominance in a relationship. They tend to place restrictions on the freedom and movements of those they are close to (for instance family members) and are often fascinated by torture, violence, weapons, and so on. Sadistic Personality Disorder is not officially listed as a disorder, but is instead the subject of clinical research and may be included as a disorder in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

Did you like this test? Please take a second to rate it. Thanks!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 60% on Open
You scored higher than 92% on Conscientious
You scored higher than 90% on Extraverted
You scored higher than 11% on Agreeable

Link: The Personality Disorder Test written by amnesiac3704 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

2007-01-15T03:43:00.000-05:00

I'm booooooooooooooooored. lalalalalalalala. I guess I should sleep, but I feel so restless. OMG LET'S LOOK AT OLD HIGH SCHOOL PICTURES! Doesn't that sound like OMG so fuuuuuuuun?!?!

But before we do that, let me say that I ate a whole pineapple almost completely by myself in three days. Oh, now that I've typed it out it doesn't seem like such a big accomplishment. Damn, it sounded so glorious in my head.

A bathrobe is so warm. It's warmer than wearing three sweatshirts. I don't know what it is, but there's something about it that's just so insulating. I feel like I'm sitting in a cloud. Not that I've ever done it. But if I did, it would feel like this. What's this you might ask? Get a bathrobe and find out! It's AMAZING! This wonderful bathrobe keeps my legs warm too. And if I set cross-legged I can bury my feet in the robe and then my toes will stay warm. I love it. Love it love it love it. And you can't make me stop loving it. Because I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! hahahahahahahhahahahahahah.

Ok. picture!

Guess how old I am in this picture. Really freaking young. I look so scrawny. I won't keep you waiting in suspense any longer. I am 14 years old. If you thought I was seven, I hate you forever and will come after you with a machete. hahahahaha j/k. I look 14 now. This picture was taken at Interact's Elegant Affaire my freshman year. ACK FRESHMAN YEAR. WHAAAAAT!? Yes sir/ma'am. Freshman year. I remember this night so clearly. Hey on this night, I got the phone number of this 17 yr. old junior from Newark Memorial high school. Wtf right? CRADLE ROBBER. And guess what? I called it too. What does that make me? Grave robber? Iono. Maybe I was desperate. Maybe I was CRAVING ATTENTION. Actually as fun as it would be to say that, if I rememeber correctly, which I do because I'm never ever ever wrong, I was oblivious to everything at that age. I had no idea what went on around me. I didn't pay attention to my actions, and I didn't think twice about what I said and how I acted. But anyways, I never asked for the phone number. His friend gave it to me right before I left.

Dude this is cool. I like digging up old memories. Let's do another one!

Awwwwwwwwwwww. This is beach cleanup where JP, Michelle, and I met Laura and Sophia. That was the end of our sophomore year, so that makes it about four years ago that we met them. Wowowowowowowowow four years. Let's look at a now picture of us four:

Michelle is missing from the picture but you get the idea. Everyone looks so cute. I look like I have no hair. Mental note to self: Don't pull hair back in ponytail for a picture. I guess that's more of a blog note than a mental note. This is craaaaazy. I can remember the day of the beach cleanup so clearly. Yet, that was four years ago. Four years passes by quickly. This means in four years I'll be 23. HOW DISGUSTING. Then four years after that I'll be 27. And four years after that I'll be 31. DUDE. I have to find my husband now! Well not now this very second cuz I'm wearing pajama pants, no shirt, and a bathrobe. But maybe when I'm more decently dressed I'll go husband hunting.

NEXT PICTURE!

My memory sucks. I don't remember what year this was. Either sophomore or junior. HAHAHAHA SLAVA'S HAIR LOOK SO CRAZY.

My energy died. Time for bed.

Actually wait one more.

This is me and Ash sophomore year. We used to do this all the time. No idea why. But I remember Douggie took this picture. AW DOUUUUUUGGGGG. WHERE ARE YOU?! Freaking A why do I look like I could be broken in half. I was actually quite tough. RAAWEEOOOUURRRORGARGFARGERKALARG. Yes. Fear me.

TIME FOR BED! FERREAL MY NIGGS. hahaha j/k. I don't talk like that. Omg don't shoot.

2007-01-10T22:50:00.000-05:00

Do I want to be academically challenged while studying abroad or do I want to just screw school and spend all my time traveling?

Do I want to explore a new approach to academic excellence and study hard in a new and exciting environment, or do I want to go at the cultural experience full throttle? School, what's school?

If I decide to forgo academic learning while abroad, I'm basically wasting $32,000 of tuition.

But if I pick an academically challenging program then I'll spend all my time studying and miss out on a lot of travel and cultural experiences.

Decisions decisions.

2007-01-09T19:30:00.000-05:00

Everyone’s been reflecting on 2006, and I guess I should do the same thing but I don’t really have much to say. Plenty of stuff happened; I guess I just don’t want to recap all of it. Here’s an easy way out of it:

A year in review...
Find the first entry for each month of 2006, and post the first sentence of it in your journal.

January: [I did this survey]

February: Dissatisfied with so many things right now [this was a “let go and let God” entry]

March: The love of my freaking life....[picture of DC in Chicago]… I miss it =/. I need a new love affaire.

April: Housing makes me stressed out. And grumpy. Je le deteste.

May: OMG WTF I THINK I HAVE PINK-EYE

June: I'm in Shanghai now and basically on my own here in the city. It's nice having this independence...wandering around by myself during the day and eating and partying with my friends at night.

July: How do I love DC+2? Oh let me count the ways...[picture post from when we watched Superman at the drive-in theatre]

August: My mom's not the most encouraging or uplifting person in the world. Every day at almost every chance she gets, she reminds me of how fat I've gotten.

September: Ok, I officially suck at doing surveys. [wtf this entry was so pointless]

October: I'm starting research for my 20 pg. paper.

November: I miss these kids...[picture post of last year’s seniors]

December: I just pulled an all-nighter. And now I'm gonna go into Philly to catch a bus for D.C.

I was eating lunch with HOC kids after church on Sunday when Daniel randomly mentioned that our entire home group was present at the table. And he said that summer seemed so long ago. And that made me think how six months ago I was in such a different place than I’m in now. At the start of home group, I had just joined the HOC college group and I didn’t know anyone. Fast forward six months later, and I’ve become friends with all of them and just feel really comfortable and integrated into their little group. I realize that I haven’t known them that long…only since this summer, but it feels like so much longer. So while summer wasn’t actually very long ago, compared to where I was before the summer and where I am now, it feels like ages should’ve passed. Dang, home group was forever ago. Meeting these kids tops my list of great things that happened this past year.

Time passes by so quickly…what a cliché statement but how true it is. I hung out with Egg nog before she left for school; it was the first time I saw her since graduation but I swear it was like we hadn’t seen each other for only a month. I went to visit WHS with Sarmad yesterday. We dropped in on Mr.Ho’s class, and he introduced us as his students from five years ago. Immediately, Sarmad and I started protesting, saying we weren’t that old. But then we realized that he was right. We had Mr.Ho when we were sophomores in high school. Dang. Five years.

I hate talking about how time passes by quickly. It’s what old people do. All the freaking time. And talking/thinking about it only reminds me of the fact that I’m getting older. Oh gosh, someone shoot me; I sound like I’m eighty.

So moving on. I’ve gained quite a few friends this year, but I’ve also lost some friends. Well lost has a negative connotation to it. More like lost touch with. I guess that stuff is inevitable though. It happens. I never really had a constant group of friends throughout high school. I just floated around from group to group. And now in college I do the same thing. I admit I kinda hoped that in college I’d have a group of friends that I did everything with. Yeah I would hang out with other people, but there would always be that constant group to go out with, go to school functions, celebrate birthdays, blah blah blah. But I don’t have a group and I don’t think I ever will either. And like high school sometimes I wish I did. I feel left out sometimes because I just jump from group to group and my good friends are kinda scattered. But also like high school I’m starting to be okay with it. Maybe I’m not meant to be tied down. I talk about losing touch with high school friends, but for some odd reason I feel closer than ever to my friends. And this might be harsh, but maybe it’s just that I grew closer to the friends that matter.

2006 was a good year. Nothing terrible happened to me; I have much to be thankful for. A really good thing I had going ended, and that was tough for awhile but everything happens for a reason. I dealt with it, refocused, reprioritized, and came out better for it. My faith grew by leaps and bounds, but I still have more leaps and bounds to make. One thing that’s bugging me now is that I seem to be very “on-task” with my faith when I’m at school but when I came home for winter break I “lost it.” Interestingly enough, this summer really helped me refocus and that energy kept me going for the entire semester. But now it’s just died…? It looks like I’m going to need to challenge myself in new ways this coming year. Or rather, let myself be open to God’s challenges for me.

I struggled a lot with something second semester of freshman year, and it’s under control now but it definitely had the potential to get really out of control. At the stage it was at it was already having bad effects, but thankfully it never got extreme. Sometimes I wish it did, and even now I often find myself wishing for it and I come close to putting myself in that situation again. Sorry for the ambiguity, but I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it yet. I guess I’m not completely over it, and I don’t think I ever will be. I think it’s something that’ll stick with me forever. I guess if you don’t know what I’m talking about “forever” sounds a bit dramatic. But I know that it’s something that will always be on my mind. And what partly makes me think that it’ll never leave is that I kind of don’t want it to. As bad as it was, I try to reason out that it was good for me. My logical brain tells me that it obviously was not a good thing, but everything I want to believe suggests that maybe it wasn’t so bad. Which is why I don’t really want to fix it. Even now when I’m not in that situation anymore I keep thinking about going back to it. So it’s something that I’ll always carry with me, but it shouldn’t be a problem as long as I keep it in check. But I guess the problem is that I don’t know if I want to keep it in check or not. And I know that I don’t go through anything alone. God is always there and I’m being retarded if I think that my problems are too small for him, but I don’t know if I want God’s help on this…? Yeah that’s a pretty immature, stubborn statement. But like I said before, I don’t know if I want this fixed. I kinda just want to bear it.

School treated me pretty well. Not a lot of people know this, but I was thinking of transferring out of Haverford to UCLA during my second semester. Obviously I didn’t do it, but I was seriously considering it. Not because I wasn’t enjoying myself but because I didn’t think that the amount of debt I accruing was worth it. I’m paying for my tuition on all my own, and even though I have a grant from Haverford, I’m still taking out a hell of a lot of loans and the way I figured it, UCLA is a great school, and it won’t plunge me into so much debt. Basically, bang for my buck. But my experience this summer changed my mind. My trip to China reminded me of why I chose a small, private liberal arts college. And talking to my peers and my old teachers about my college experience reminded me that so much of my unique experience comes from not being at a California public school. It comes from being on the East Coast, at this tiny college no one here has heard of. And I like it that way.

My freshman year I heard a lot of talk about sophomore slump. I’m quite happy to say I don’t feel slumpy at all. I’m much more tied up in my school work, and living in the 800 apartments is tough sometimes, but I’m just going with the flow and things are working out well. I miss the seniors a lot; a lot of times I wish I could go into their lime green apartment and plop myself on their futon. I was reading an entry I wrote last year, and in it I worried that hanging out with the seniors was a tradeoff for hanging out with my friends my year and I could only wait until next year to see if I made the right choice. Well, it’s next year, and I can safely say I have no regrets. I seriously had an awesome freshman year, a very unique experience compared to a lot of friends my year, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I did give up a few things; like I said earlier I don’t really have a tight-knit group of friends. I have scattered good friends and I don’t really belong in a group. So I feel left out sometimes, but I’m dealing…just like I did in high school. And it’s not so bad.

In September 2003 I made 41 posts. I’m reading over my posts right now. They make me cringe. Someone should’ve told me to shut up and get a life. It makes me sad to think I used to blog like that. Man, I sounded like a ditz. I’m sure I still do sometimes but reading those entries is seriously really painful.

I’m bored with this entry now. Ha, so much for doing the survey as an easy way out. I guess I just can’t resist talking about myself. I’m surprised I made this post in the middle of the afternoon. I usually only get thoughtful around 2am.

So, new year, new blog look. I’m thinking of completely getting rid of this journal and starting up a new one. We’ll see.

2007-01-08T20:06:00.000-05:00

I'm making a random-ass post. This monitor is too far from my face.

2007-01-03T02:30:00.000-05:00

I watched seven episodes of Prison Break today. Crack cocaine dude. Once you take one hit you can't stop. But now I'm all caught up. Oh goody.

I'm waking up at 8am to play tennis.

2007-01-02T05:53:00.000-05:00

I think I can only make blog posts at random times late at night/early in the morning. Nothing very profound in this post. I think I can only do those about once every two weeks. I feel quite content right now though. Like a semi-big burden has been lifted off my chest.

I just finished watching Blow. Good movie. It's about cocaine.

You know, I'm a very neurotic person. It kinda freaks me out sometime. For instance, when I drink pearl milk tea, I have to drink the tea and the pearls in equal amounts so that by the time I finish the drink I'm not left with all milk and no pearls or all pearls and no milk. I'm very picky about that. Another example is when I write my Chinese flashcards I have to lay out all the flashcards from previous chapters and all of my different colored pens so that I can make sure that the colors I pick for the next chapter don't duplicate any previous color combinations. After the first five chapters I noticed that I used green hella more times than other colors, and I spazzed out. Now I make sure I use all the colors evenly. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME. I don't like being neurotic. It takes time and energy. IT'S NOT EFFICIENT (shut up Tim). But seriously I don't enjoy it. But I feel really uncomfortable if I don't do it.

I started playing spider solitaire again. Dammit. I need to read more and play less shit like text twist and spider solitaire. Yes, it's shit. All of it. But it's addicting shit. You know what else is addicitng? Saying dammit and shit. I say those words all the time. Maybe I should stop. BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD. Like hot sex good. J/k. I wouldn't know. But I really do like saying them. I wonder why. Maybe because it makes me feel like a badass. Or not.

I lost a game of spider solitaire today. I felt stupid because it's basically impossible to lose a game of one suit spider solitaire. I need a life.

When I get married it has to be to someone who is completely not neurotic at all. Otherwise I think I'd go crazy. Why am I thinking about marriage. I really feel like going to a wedding. They're such happy occassions, and they make me feel so happy. I want to be a wedding crasher. Seriously. No joke.

One of the best things about being on break so far is getting hella hugs. Ferreal. I love it.

A few people told me they read my last entry. Why do you guys read this crap? It's far from brilliant. And part of the reason why I make long ass winded entries, is so that not everyone will read them.

Speaking of pearl tea, which I did about five paragraphs ago, it's much better on this coast. I thought it was impossible to make a bad pearl tea, but I had this one milk tea in Philly at a restaurant and it was TERRIBLE. The pearls were so freaking hard to chew. They weren't soft and squishy. They were hard and chewy. Wtf mang?

I went picture crazy on facebook and uploaded hellllllllla pictures. Like about four albums.

I really do feel very good right now. I'm getting much better at communicating with people. Excellent huh?

I miss my stuffed animals a lot when I'm in college. They're sitting all around me right now. I love them.

I MISS PINEAPPLES. HOLY SHIT (there I go again with the shit). I miss eating them. And cutting them. I found this in a store...

It's a pineapple slicer! It takes out the hard core of the pineapple. It's totally and completely useless. I NEED ONE.

It's late. I'm ridiculously nocturnal for no reason.

Later players.

2006-12-28T04:15:00.000-05:00

Wow. Long time since my last post. Yes, for me a week and a half w/o blogging is a long time. I guess there's not much for me to say. I'm really loving being back home in good ol' Fremont. Boring ass little town, but friends make everything great.

Nick had his annual Christmas party at his house tonight. I like how it's an annual thing now. It made me very happy to see everyone again. Definitely a good night. And yet, I feel out of sorts right now. So much has changed since the first Christmas party senior year. Hell so much has changed since this past summer.

It's 1:30am, and I'm playing text twist. And thinking. I actually suck a lot at text twist, but I'm not doing too badly now. Hope I don't jinx myself. Why do I feel sad now? Wtf is wrong with me. I had a fun night, saw a bunch of people, talked, laughed, and yet here I am staying up playing text twist because I am so freaking awake and I don't know what's bothering me. No I guess I do but I can't verbalize it. Or I don't want to. I need to move on. I need to move freaking on. I am turning into the type of girl I said I never wanted to be. In fact I made every effort to not be her. And maybe in doing that instead of avoiding it I made myself more susceptible to it. OMG I ALMOST LOST AT TEXT TWIST. Whew. Close one. DAMMIT I JUST LOST. ACROSS. EFFING ACROSS. I GOT CROSS. I JUST HAD TO ADD AN "A" IN FRONT. THOSE WORDS ARE THE HARDEST TO GET. WORDS LIKE ACROSS, DEPLOY, REUSED. SHIT LIKE THAT. Curses.

I'm over it. I'll just start a new game. I want things to be made clear to me. I want to know what's going on. I want to know what people think. But I'm afraid to ask. I'm seriously one of the biggest wusses you'll ever meet. What am I so scared of? Awkwardness? Wtf that's lame. I can't be that lame. I seriously think that "wtf" is one of the best acronyms in aim lingo. It just rolls off your tongue. And your fingers. It sounds so cool in my head. It's so cold in my house. My feet are freezing. I hate socks though. And shoes. I don't like my feet to be constricted. Maybe that's an analogy to my character, as in I personally don't like to be constricted. I totally just made that up right now.

You ever have that feeling after you've made a decision that you totally just messed up? That had you made the other choice things would be so much freaking better and you'd be happier? Oh wait, I think that's called regret. I think I could've just saved myself two sentences by asking "Have you ever regretted something?" Well I don't beleive in regret. Is that stupid? I think that after you've made a decision...and I'm talking big decision, not should I get chocolate or vanilla ice cream type of decision...well after you've made it, you can't look back. Because if this is a big decision then before you made it you thought a lot about it. You weighed the pros and cons. You looked at different what-if scenarios. And you made your decision for a reason. So even though afterwards you are inclined to regret that decision, you have to know that you had reasons for your decision. And they were good reasons too. I know that if I made the other decision things would not be as rosy as I imagine them in my head. I just like to trick myself into thinking that they would be.

And wtheck is going on now? Here. And there. I HATE LOOKING AT THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE NOW. IT FRUSTRATES ME SO FREAKING MUCH. Dammit. But I can't look away either. Because then I'd seriously be really sad. It's 2am now. This entry is taking me a long time because 1) I'm playing text twist, 2) I don't know what I'm saying, and 3) I'm so freaking freezing. I don't know what I'm doing this break. I feel really unfunctional. In all areas of my life. Not dysfunctional. Just unfunctional. Yesterday I went to the mall, bought two things, and before I left the mall I decided I would return them. So now they're sitting in my room waiting to be returned. And I don't have a job, so my days have no structure to them. I have no commitments, so I don't know what to do with myself. Today I spent the afternoon at Panera, using their wireless, and doing research on study abroad. I was supposed to leave with a good idea of where I wanted to go. Instead I left even more confused about where I wanted to go. So many different programs, so many differnet choices, and I have no idea what I want. I don't even fully understand each type of program. Ack, I need an appointment with my dean when I get back to school.

DC/Ryla/Interact shabang from tomorrow all the way to Saturday. Should be good times. I love those kids. I don't know why I'm not really excited. Maybe because not everyone will be there. We'll be missing Bjay, Laura, Sophia, and Brian. Dang. And I guess that makes me sad because in the future our hangouts will have less and less people, and they'll happen less and less often. Everyone's going on their own track. Doing their own thing. Which they should do. I'm glad we are. But it's sad. Maybe that's why Nick's party made me sad and nostalgic...I guess just knowing that things will never be the same. Not that things are taking a turn for the worse. But even comparing this break to the summer or last year's winter break things have shifted. And I think it's really subltle so no one notices. Because I mean we still have a great time hanging out. We talk, we joke, we laugh, we reminisce. It's all gravy. But obviously as individuals we have changed, and that contributes to a shift in the entire group dynamic. I can pick up right where I left off with a good number of my friends, so it's not like things are awkward. But damn I don't know what I'm saying.

What's going to happen after this break? We won't all be around Fremont, and that obviously isn't the end of the world. And I think when it happens I wont' even notice. I'll just go with the flow, and accept things as they are. It wont' even be a big deal. And that partly freaks me out too. That it won't be this huge change. But it'll be gradual. And gradually we'll all go our own ways. Wtf, I'm getting so depressing. Am I scared of change? I never thought I was one of those people. I think it freaks me out when on the off chance I decide to think about it. But when it actually happens I don't really notice, I don't run away from it, and I don't purposely try to block it and keep things the way they are. In fact I like it because it means things are changing up and getting more interesting. I also don't think you notice these kind of changes until after they've happened and you look back and think "Dang, when did that happen?"

As usual I have sidetracked. I definitely didn't intend to talk about what I did. Well some of it I did. Anyways, I don't feel like getting back on track. You know, I was just thinking that I don't like feeling like I'm not good enough. I find it odd that I've been thinking that because it's not characteristic of me at all. But I guess some things or people just bring it out in me. What a disgusting trait to bring out. How would you like to be responsible for that. Wouldn't you feel terribly LOUSY. hahahahahahaha. Ah what's wrong with me; I need to sleep now.

Peace peace peace.

2006-12-18T13:58:00.000-05:00

The only thing standing between me and home is a 5 pg. English paper. Well, that and about 3,000 miles, but let's not get literal here.

I made the most unfortunate decision of starting to watch the t.v. show Heroes on Thursday. I've been watching episodes online as my study break, and it's worked out pretty well. But now just as the show is getting more intense, I have to write this paper. I only have two more episodes to watch, so that's about two hours. I'm at a crossroads here. Watch television or write the paper which my grade in the class is contingent upon?

I have to finish my paper by tomorrow night. Dammit, I think I'm going to be responsible now.

2006-12-15T02:54:00.000-05:00

It's 3am. I'm working a 2-4am shift in Robert's computer lab, which I signed up for. Why? Because I figured it would force me to work on my essay, and it's going pretty well actually. Plus it helps that I drank two cups of coffee mixed with hot chocolate powder, which is AMAZING. It's like drinking a mocha. I'm SUPER AWAKE right now. I've never felt more alive in my life. I was never sure if caffeine actually helped keep me alert because I thought it might be a psychological thing. Meaning, because I know the effects caffeine is supposed to have, I act hyper and alert. But after having two cups of coffee I'm pretty sure that the caffeine is what's keeping me going now. OMG MY POOR TEETH ARE GONNA BE STAINED. THEY'RE SUFFERING. It's ok; it's a one time thing.

I've been coughing a lot tonight. Uh-oh.

BACK TO MY ESSAY!

2006-12-13T23:49:00.000-05:00

Wanna make $3750 for six weeks of work in the summer?

The summer camp I'm working at (on the East Coast) is in desperate need of male teachers, so if you're interested in working with kids, meeting some amazing college students, and making $$$ please let me know! This isn't any ordinary summer camp, so talk to me about it and check out the website: http://www.explo.org/

I realized that I haven't blogged about my summer plans yet, but I dont have the time to make a detailed entry about it. Maybe over winter break. But, yes, if you're a guy and you have no plans for summer yet, but you want to do something MEANINGFUL and REWARDING, this could be the job for you! Not to mention you'll make hella bank in only six weeks. PLEASE talk to me if you want more information!!!!

2006-12-13T03:01:00.000-05:00

I was just in a TLN chatroom. That made me unbelievably happy. Yep, we're still alive and kickin'. How awesome is that =].

2006-12-12T09:45:00.000-05:00

When the music fades and all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus

King of endless worth, no one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor, all I have is Yours
Every single breath

_________________________________________

I love this. What a great way to start my day.

2006-12-11T02:00:00.000-05:00

I'm so freaking cold. Hella freaking cold. The thermostat in my apartment isn't working, so we have no heat. It wasn't working last night either, so this morning I called maintenance and the guy took like five seconds to reset our heater and it started working again. BUT ONCE AGAIN IT HAS STOPPED. WTF. IT'S TOO COLD FOR OUR HEATER TO NOT WORK. GHETTO GHETTO GHETTO. I hate it for life. Freaking Tim got me started on that..."I hate___ for life."

BRRRFREAKINGBRRR

2006-12-10T15:06:00.000-05:00

I was looking back at my old entries from last year, and I found a comment that I had never read before because it was made a week after I wrote the entry. Since I don’t get email notification of when people leave comments I just never saw this one.

__________________________________________________________________

Friday, December 23, 2005

Curses. I'm such a bad friend. When did I stop caring? I never did...honestly. But I guess some things just get lost in the shuffle. I'm sorry this did.

And the comment...

sometimesi want to believe you, but then again, sometimes i think youre just too selfish.

___________________________________________________________________

Ouch….that hurts, even a year later…

I think that comment speaks volumes. It’s true. I am incredibly selfish a lot of the time. And the unfortunate part is that I never think that I am. I always come to a realization of my selfishness a little too late. And it’s only recently that I’ve started to realize I AM a selfish person. I never thought I was before. But I examine my actions more closely now, and have to come understand I act in my own interests a lot of the times. I’m not as generous as I’d like to think. I try to appear caring and giving. But I’m not. When I realize that what I said or did was selfish, I try to make amends for it later. And it’s usually okay because the things are small. But a lot of the time, my selfishness isn’t really embodied in any action or event, but is more like a state of mind...and then I can't redeem myself later because it's too late.

Anyways, that's just a personal reflection of mine. On a completely unrelated note, I ate too many cookies last night...so much that I felt like throwing up afterwards. It was gross. I'm putting myself on a cookie fast in addition to my facebook fast. I obviously don't understand moderation. dammit.

2006-12-09T14:55:00.000-05:00

I'm so estatically happy right now!!! I moved my plane ticket up two days from the 22nd to the 20th, and that may not seem like a whole lot but it's a big freaking deal. I finish my scheduled finals by Monday, and if I didn't fly out until Friday night, I would've been really bored for four days while all my friends studied for finals. But now I'm flying out Wednesday and EEEK THAT MAKES ME REALLY HAPPY. Getting it switched was SO easy and SO free. SO FREAKING FREE.

Since I moved up my plane ticket though, that means I gotta push extra hard this week...psych test, research paper, english essay, chinese final. No time to slack! I'm flying home in a week and a half!

I'm going to put myself on a FACEBOOK FAST...again. It amazes me how easily I got back into the facebook groove when my last fast ended. I was hoping that since I had gone without it for so long, I wouldn't want it anymore. Ha, I think I overestimate my personal will sometimes.

I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED FOR THE 20TH. IT'S SO EFFING COLD HERE. AND IT'S NOT SNOWING EITHER. In my opinion there is no point to cold weather without snow. Snow makes the cold worth it. I'll actually be quite upset if it doesn't snow by the time I go home. I don't want to miss the first snowfall =[

My roommate just made FREAKING AMAZING chocolate chip banana bread. MMMmmm warms my heart and soul.

Ok so you know how on iTunes it tells you how many times you've played a song? I've recently developed this neurotic habit of trying to even out the number of times songs from the same album have been played. Like I'll specifically pick certain songs to play if they haven't been played as much as the other songs on the album. And I'll skip songs I've played way more than other songs on the same album. Yeah, I dunno why I'm doing this. It's kind of annoying actually. I don't enjoy it much either.

I HAVE MUCH WORK TO DO! HUGS KISSES BULLFROGS AND HIPPOPOTAMUSES I LOVE YOU ALL. PEACE.

2006-12-08T10:56:00.000-05:00

It's hella cold.

I am not dressed for the weather today because Yahoo! weather lied to me. I hate it for life.

This morning it said the high was going to be 63 degrees. I thought that was rather unusual, but since Yahoo! has been pretty reliable I went along with it. BAD IDEA. Now looking at the report, it says that it is currently 30 degrees, feels like 18 degrees, and the high for today will be 33 degrees.

On a happier note, I took the night off last night, and it felt freaking amazing. I've been working so hard the past few weeks, and since I finished my research paper Thursday night (well, everything except the footnotes and bibliography), I felt I deserved a break. I tried watching PrisonBreak but the website wasn't working, so I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants instead. I FREAKING LOVE THIS MOVIE. It's so good. Seriously. I really bought into all their characters and got invested in each of their stories. There was one scene with America Ferrera that brought me to tears. I know. Wtf right? I never get like that during movies, but it was a good performance. I was moved. Shut up. Anyways, my point is that I had a relaxing night.

I'm going to watch some Boy Meets World now. I love this job.

2006-12-05T09:29:00.000-05:00

Everyone's recent blog entries have been about studying for finals. I'm jealous. I wish I had finals week now, and that I was going home on Friday. I am soooo ready for winter break and soooo ready to go back to Cali. It's been quite a while since I've been home. Two more weeks of school, and one week of finals. Keep on truckin!

This past weekend was really fun. I went down to D.C. to visit Ariane for two nights, and we had a grand time. It was my first time in D.C. so I did the typical sightseeing...monuments and museums (which are freaking AMAZING. They are so good. And so free). I also ate a lot of good food, saw a play called Martha, Josie, and the Chinese Elvis (hilarious!), and went to a gay club which we got kicked out of (thanks Ariane).

At the Washington Monument. Lincoln's Memorial is in the distance behind us.

In front of the Capitol.

We went to the museum of natural history and saw a SUPACOOL 3-D movie about the safaris in Africa.

Then when I got back to Philly I went to The Trocadero to see Miss Vintage in the third round of Bodog's Battle of the Bands. As usual, they were awesome. Didn't win, but I don't think they care and they put on a good show nonetheless.

Left to Right: Joe (guitar), Brian (drums), Jason (lead guitar), Colin (bass)

Afterwards when we went out to eat, these guys were just bombarded with fans. Pictures, autographs, and screaming girls. J/k, it wasn't that extreme. But close enough.

Of course I did no work this weekend.

My professor extended my 20-page paper again because he's too busy this week. Dammit. If it keeps getting extended I'm never gonna finish. Ever. So I'm going to pretend it's due Thursday. We'll see how that goes...

I have my first Rotaract meeting this Thursday. Exciting.

2006-12-01T07:05:00.000-05:00

I just pulled an all-nighter. And now I'm gonna go into Philly to catch a bus for D.C.

I'm gonna crash so bad later...